Would most people find long term single status really fucking difficult?

[Dieselfungus]

ive Been long term single (late 20s now, not had a serious relationship) and all my friends and family are happily coupled up. When they were single they were a mess! I am a bit of a mess, feel all over the place yet feel judged for it by then. I kind of want to shake them and let them know how fucking hard it is day to day to juggle everything by myself with no potential help from anyone else. Some of my coupled up friends were awful when they were single, could be emotionally cruel and were tbh a bit incapable of looking after themselves. And yet I find them quite judgemental now of me

Most marriages don’t do any of that either though 🤣🤣

You're very young to be worried but I won't invalidate your feelings like some have. That's how you feel and I hope you find either peace as a single person or a lovely man to share your life with. Both can be perfectly lovely lives

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

I agree with you and the points you've made - being single, financially comfortable and with a good and varied support network around you is key I think.

I don't want to have to "lean on" one person and one person alone all the time. Over the years, and I'm 40, and have had numerous relationships including a marriage, I have found romantic relationships to be like a house of cards, they are just not that stable and certainly most of them not forever lasting. Not to mention that vast amount of relationships that are built on pragmatism: life is easier with a double salary and share of childcare after the honeymoon period has worn off.

Op @Dieselfungus do you have family nearby??

I'm a solo mother by choice and had my son using a sperm donor. I love being able to parent how I want with no interference from anyone; for support I lean on friends and family as well as healthcare professionals. I think being single is a state of perception.

Check out Shani Silver's work on changing the narrative around being single

I really struggled being single. I didn't have any relationships until I was 29. I was lonely, I desperately wanted intimacy, I was watching my friends couple up and have kids and knew that I wanted that while I went home again.

For me, being single for so long really affected my self esteem, but I couldn't tell anyone this without being really judged or pitied. 'You can't expect to be loved until you love yourself'/ 'you're all you need'/ 'you can't pin all your hopes on a man'.

I think a lot of the 'single and thriving' advice comes from people who have left abusive relationships, and it is completely valid in their situations, but it didn't help my singleness.

Oh dear God! I am long term single and 99% of the time no one has openly pitied me because I don’t view being single as less than. A partner would not stop you being disorganised or your life being messy because only you can change that. Yes you might temporarily “up your game” but you would eventually revert back to who you truly were.

Being in a relationship is not the holy grail and seeing relationships as that, would likely make you more susceptible to staying in a bad one.

Use your single time wisely and learn to love and accept yourself as good enough.

I've always lived alone since I bought my first place at 24. I've barely seen anyone since Covid started and work switched to remote and I haven't gone back. Everything is on me. When I'm feeling down or tired, all the stuff has to be done and I'm the only one to do it. I've had a really tough few years and the housework has fallen by the wayside as a result. I'm a mess too (in a very literal sense).

I'm autistic which just makes it all harder.

I don't think people in couples realise how much work it is to run a house/ life when just one person's doing it. It's all the mental load with limited emotional support.

I'm long term single and it's definitely harder than being in a loving partnership where you have each other's backs.

It also means my friends who are in long term relationships can afford much bigger nicer houses and for me that was a goal of mine that looks like I won't be able to achieve (yes I have a good well-paying career and I don't sorbs all my money on avocados and iPhones), which is a big sadness for me.

@slowcookerforone That's true they can, until the relationship breaks down, divorces happen..there is absolutely no guarantee that your friends' relationships will remain as they currently are.

I feel the same. Been single a few years with occasional fwb, now 30.

What I've been finding hard lately is dealing with all chores by myself. But generally? I'm probably much happier than I've been at many other stages in my adult life. I am open to dating but not desperate for it. Sometimes I feel judged about being single and get fed up being asked if i'm dating.

I was single for 10 years, and many friends are still long-term single. I didn't find it any more 'difficult' than being with someone - it was sometimes boring, a bit lonely, I wasn't so keen on always being in charge or having no one to fall back on. But it wasn't difficult.

I had absolute freedom to do as I pleases whenever I pleased. That was quite valuable.

It sounds like it's a problem with friends and family being unsupportive rather than simply a matter of you being single. And they sound like they've always been unkind and unhelpful so I wouldn't advise thinking you can ever rely on them, they've shown they aren't that person for you.

If you can, try to find the positives - they do exist - and enjoy your life without waiting for other people to do things they've clearly never done for you.

Book a holiday with a group tour, go somewhere you'd like to go, binge a new tv series, eat mash as often as you like, but champagne just for yourself...please yourself first.

I think it’s easier sneer at single’s who want a partner (like many of the comments here have done) if you have had relationships before.

It’s very different if you’ve never had that companionship, love/loved, being chosen etc..

I know, never been in a relationship and everything you wrote resonated.
It’s so painful. And I’m really ashamed of being the eternal single.

I can’t understand why so many comments are so rude and condescending.

I think it's easier being single. You only have to think about yourself. If you fancy a chip shop tea you don't have to think about whether your dp wants one too, he might not, then you spend your evening working out what to have for tea! And most of the texts during the day are about what's for tea. You also can go to the loo whenever you want too and not have to smell the undead after he's had his morning poo. You sleep all night, cuddles are lovely but months then years of broken sleep takes it toll. Your house stays tidy, yes there's more to life than a tidy house but other peoples mess is bloody annoying. Much more annoying then your own.

Relationships are obviously nice. I've just never had one that didn't put an emotional toll on me after the honeymoon stage.

Absolutely, add in the people who then also think you have loads of money, because you are single. It's infuriating!

@xfan well I have been divorced too, so double whammy - but I'm still in a much better financial position due to me being in a couple where we pooled resources - so bought a more expensive house which made a lot of equity during our marriage. Plus I was able to be a low earner and work unpaid/low paid on my business/hobby for a number of years, which has now paid off and is a good career.

I've seen both sides - life is lovely being single, lots of positives, but nothing (for me) compared to being in a loving supportive couple.

I think most people would, and that contributes to some being in bad relationships and remaining in them, I am sure.

@xfan my friends seem to have really good relationships with their dh/dps so I really hope they don't split up or their relationships turn sour.
It's lovely to see happy, balanced, successful relationships and it's nice to know it's possible even though it didn't work out for me.

And to add to that, why would so, so many people be so gung-ho to be in a relationship if it was so horrible/ better to be single?
And most want relationships over and over and over again.
So clearly it’s the preferred way to be.

I’m not being obtuse- I’m single too and have been for some time.

OP - I know it feels chronic, but if you are in your twenties, you are still so young.

My core belief is in the ‘circle of life’: nothing ever stays the same.
It seems like the best relationships I’ve seen are ones where the people involved were a bit older/ knew themselves a bit better.
Maybe give yourself some time to look after yourself, and work on being ok with being by yourself.

Yes, 31 single, hating it and dreading the future. I can't afford to be go it alone and have a baby, would love to be a mum one day. I have a good job, friends, hobbies (I am a professional athlete too), a good cook, and am kind, and not unattractive. Not happened for me and starting to think there is something wrong. I'm not a party girl but I am sociable and don't spend my days holed up at home.

A lot of people have never actually been single for any significant length of time and are scared of the idea of it, so they go from one mediocre-to-poor relationship from the next and never learn who they really are. Women in particular are gaslighted by a patriarchal society into lowering their standards and forfeiting their own needs in favour of having a man.

Several of our friends are bachelors and are getting on (as are we). I think they're OK with it, just getting on with their life. A couple would have liked to have children (and wife) but it never happened. Their life is still fairly full with friends. I think the hard bit for them is illness, one had to have minor surgery and despite the increasing tendancy for people to live on their own the hospital couldn't quite get it that he'd be on his own after being released (he ended up coming tonusvfor a couple of days).
How you manage your home is not based on your status. One of our friends home is like a show house, another is like a tip.

I understand OP. I was alone throughout my twenties until I met DH. All my family were happily married, having babies, partners around to help with decorating the house, paying the bills, cooking tea if they were working late etc etc. I was often left out of family Sunday lunches on the grounds my parents didn;t think I'd want to come as it was just everyone with their children. Everyone except me. I felt SO lonely and it does make you emotional.

I don;t agree with PPs who say you seem towant someone to look after you and that;s not a healthy relationship. It is, sometimes. And sometimes you look after them. Give and take. What you want seems natural to me.

The loneliness, not being anyone’s person, no companionship, kind of empty to live just for yourself, no one cares about you, society doesn’t really like women being single, rude people. A lot of people think there’s something ’wrong with you being single’. Day to day life - always alone.
Watching other people being happy in their relationship, celebrating them - when your so lonely. Double income.
list goes on and on.

This. For the most part I'm ok being single but this really resonates with me especially lately as I've been single for a while and have had long years of being single (15yrs) before. It's really starting to get to me, but I'm trying to accept it now.

I've been single for nearly 9 years. It's just not been something I can do as a single parent. Ex has disappeared so no help there. I can imagine being like this forever, it really doesn't bother me. I've only found it a bit more difficult recently as I need to make a big, life changing decision and I did think it would be easier to do if I had somebody to bounce it off. Otherwise, nope I'm fine!

@slowcookerforone
But there is no guarantee that your relationship will remain loving forever. All it takes is for someone to change their mind and you're back to being "worse off". Most relationships aren't about love but about economics/pragmatism of two incomes.