Would most people find long term single status really fucking difficult?

[Dieselfungus]

ive Been long term single (late 20s now, not had a serious relationship) and all my friends and family are happily coupled up. When they were single they were a mess! I am a bit of a mess, feel all over the place yet feel judged for it by then. I kind of want to shake them and let them know how fucking hard it is day to day to juggle everything by myself with no potential help from anyone else. Some of my coupled up friends were awful when they were single, could be emotionally cruel and were tbh a bit incapable of looking after themselves. And yet I find them quite judgemental now of me

@drinkallthecoffee thank you, have PMd you!

@DangerouslyBored its exactly that, not having one to have your back, make sure you’re ok etc. Weirdly I also feel like being in a relationship would force me to “up my game” in terms of looking after myself too. It’s not cute is it to be disorganised when someone else has an insight into your life. Also I’ve always found that I adopt someone else’s good habits when I’m with them. And hopefully I could share mine.

That’s not everyone’s experience of being single though. I’ve been single (in terms of a committed relationship) since I was 24, I’m now in my early 40s and I don’t recognise your description above at all.

The loneliest I’ve ever been was when the man I loved and who supposedly loved me was inches away from me in bed but may as well have been light years away from me, such was his level of input/support.

I have been single for 34 years now - and I bloody love it 😀I earn my own money, spend it how I like, do what I want when I want... My one regret in life was being sucked into thinking that having a partner / husband was necessary or better. Should have listened to my mother....

It sounds like all your friends are coupled up and not around much. You need to find new single friends who want to spend lots of time together. It sounds like loneliness is your real issue.

It totally depends who you are not single with.

I was totally happy single late 20s early 30s, met Mr Frozen out of the blue IRL, online we would have hated each other. Two decades later would hate my life without HIM, but just him. Some of the horrors you read about on posts here. Good god no way. Cats, dogs, books, travel, rather than some entitled sulky fuck thinking it was my job to be their unpaid housekeeper and whore.

Actually some of the horrors I meet IRL.

Partners don't always have your back.
They don't always make you a better person.
They can make things worse.

So please OP don't believe you are lesser single. You are not.

And good friends can also encourage you to live healthier. I did the most exercise when I was good friends and single with a woman very into being very active. We were always hiking, or canoeing, or similar. She hardly drank as well and although not disapproving, I found myself drinking less and less.

Well, it good that your happier as single.

It’s not for many, I’d say most, since pretty much everyone at least at some point want a relationship, many do it over and over again.

Can we please stop this single women have to always be so stuff and strong and never want anyone already?
It’s so tiresome.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting a partner.

I like frozendaisy's comment.

Many, many people are unhappy in relationships but you don't necessarily see it when they are out and about.

I feel it is possible to learn a lot about yourself when you are single. I have very fond memories of being single when I was younger - no-one to report to - no-one I had to be there for a partiular time for. I could focus entirely on my job/career/interests.

I did further quals consistently but when I became a single parent ten years ago, everything I did required juggling - I even managed a university degree but it was bloody hard work - finishing essays at four in the morning etc. There are upsides but I never feel as if I can just leave housework/finance planning etc as I know what it feels like if it all piles up and someone in the house is ill etc.

That said, I will be single again in a different way before too long as DD is going off to uni in 16 months time.

It is another fork in the road in life. I actually don't know whether I ever want a relationship again. Like others I think there is a lot about being single I really like.

One of the main things is learning how to do things by myself, completely by myself, things that I am afraid of or think I cannot do - and then doing them and gaining in confidence because of it. I like that a lot.

As for not having someone to 'help' - well I guess in an emergency my DD is my next of kin - but I do find in life the 'help' that you get from a partner or a potential partner usually comes at a cost.

How many stories on here about unequal division of labour in the household?
How many stories on here about someone who has given up their job/career/missed opportunities for their partner only to find it didn't work out?

Was it Lady Gaga who said?

A career doesn't wake up in the morning and decide it doesn't love you anymore...

We will all be on our own at some point in our lives. Why not enjoy it?

Can we please stop this single women have to always be so stuff and strong and never want anyone already?
It’s so tiresome

As is the ‘being single is awful, it’s so lonely, nobody cares about you, your life is empty’ trope. It’s more than tiresome actually, it’s offensive. My life is far from empty, I’m never lonely, plenty of people care about me and I don’t want a relationship. And I know lots of single people who feel the same.

I find single life easier but more expensive.

👏👏

It’s not offensive @sammylady37

If relationships were so awful and most / everyone could be oh so happy being single, then why most want to be in a relationship?
Why would people be almost obsessed (not you clearly) to find a partner.
Once again, good that you’re happy.
Many aren’t and exhausting having to pretend that everything is fine and that it doesn’t hurt.

I've been single for a long time and generally like it but compared to people I know who live with a partner (or still with their parents) it's definitely hard in practical ways, and financial! Most bills are still the same and there's only one income, and no backup from anyone. And as others have said, all the cleaning and arranging and booking things in. No one at home to know I've got home safe in the dark or not fallen down the step ladder when I'm changing a light bulb.

It is offensive to say that someone’s life is empty and that nobody cares about them, just because they’re single.

Relationships can be great and hugely fulfilling, and those that seek relationships obviously seek ones such as those. Nobody is denying that. And I don’t think anyone is denying that being single can be lonely and can have its challenges, and I don’t think anyone here has said that people who are unhappily single should pretend to be otherwise, but it’s simply not right to blanket- portray single life as an empty meaningless husk of a life, when it just isn’t that way at all for many.

@sammylady37

Fine, I’m sorry you were offended.
But like I said, most people want a relationship and everything I listed are things I have felt/ am feeling.

So be happy that you’re not feeling these things.
But at the same, stop demanding all single to be happy / not allowed to wish to find someone.

I was single for years, over 15 years. It was flippin miserable (and expensive) a lot of the time. People asking ‘how’s your lovelife?’, pitying looks, sleeping in your childhood bed into your 30s at Christmas because it was expected you’d be the adult child who went to stay with widowed mum etc. All your friends getting married, having kids etc.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a relationship. I love doing 'couply' things, I love being looked after and having someone who cares around. There's also nothing wrong with loving single life. The world would be boring if we were all the same.

I like being in a relationship but I also love just packing my car and heading off to the beach without having to think about anyone else. Also, I don't want to deal with someone's emotional baggage atm. The daily ins and outs of living with someone is hard work!

Why is it that you don’t get treated like an adult if you’re single?
It’s so rude!

But yeah, I relate to everyhting you wrote.
Also I’d add that when your friends start relationships/have kids, they really do disappear.

Well, my experience of being single was abject misery either. I’ve had more time single than in relationships so doing everything myself is second nature to me, it doesn’t register in my mind as a hardship. I like putting myself first and doing things on my terms and having my own space. My single friends are not “desperate” for a partner either.

I’m seeing someone now but I didn’t actively seek out a relationship. We met, things developed, and he complements my life well, he’s similarly independently-minded and I haven’t really had to make any compromises to be in a relationship with him so it works. For now. If that changed, I wouldn’t hesitate to go back to single life.

I have good friends though who’ve helped pick up the slack when I’m ill, like sending food when I had covid and helping to walk my dog. I have my own home and a well paid job and my friends don’t disappear into the ether when they couple up. Sure, life is expensive and it’s nice to have dinner cooked for me, and I had times with no plans where I was bored, but single life is largely calm, cosy and satisfying. I don’t think it’s healthy to feel incomplete without a partner. Another person can’t be the sole thing to bring you happiness or be responsible for your well-being.

WASN’T* abject misery I mean

Yeah, ehh, if you could show me where I demanded that, it’d be great, thanks.

You're in a better position than them op. And they judge you only because they are insecure in their relationships and know they are on dodgy ground with it. Their relationships are built on desperation to not be single, anyone will do mentality. You're better off single than that, they won't stay in those relationships.

I do love my husband and enjoy his company, but I wouldn't be bothered being single either. I wouldn't be pissed off if I was single that's for sure.

I'm late 20s and havent been in a serious relationship for 8 years. I don't think being single is hard, it can be lonely though. Being single without a community is hard but this applies to couples too. There are a lot of really really lonely relationships. I think a mature and happy relationship is amazing, but there are a lot of people addicted to the drama toxic relationships bring and find the monotony of single life too much.

@NAMEchangeOUTOFembarrassment Relationships force obligations and often end with kids which open doors to communities. Humans need community, of which there is little in this society. A partner at least gives you that person to chat to and organise things with. There's lots of single people who find that within hobbies, work and other things. Humans are social creatures and a relationship seems like a quick fix to fix lack of social interaction.

I was unhappily single for 10 years before i met XP.. he turned out to be emotionally abusive, but i stuck with it for 12 years, purely because i didnt want to be alone.. and i think a lot of people think that way.
Its been 3 years now since i got out, and it turns out i've never been so happy to be single again!

It goes without saying, i'd rather be by myself then in a shit relationship, it could be worse OP, some relationships are bad news, which would you prefer? is another way of looking at it.