Husband & Alcohol

[Manc1894]

So I’ve been with my husband now for 8 years and married for 5. In the most part he’s charming, caring and we have very similar interests in things so life should not be better… Except it’s a living hell for what is now being more often than not. As I say he can be so bloody lovely and everything you could ever want, that is until he drinks!

when he drinks it’s like a switch has been flicked and Jekyll transformers into Hyde. As soon as he picks up his first drink of alcohol I instantly tense up and my anxiety starts. The whole time is spend on fragile eggshells and trying my best to keep the mood light and happy, it’s extremely exhausting. Try as I may, it’s just never enough and 9x out of 10 he turns. Sometimes I’m coughed off guard but it’s very very rear this happens, it’s like I have some strange sick sense for it now and I know he’s going to become a arsehole before he does. On this odd occasion where I’m completely knocked over with shock and horror is when we are having a fantastic time with friends and or family and all of a sudden he will start! Complete out of the blue and for absolutely no reason at all, it’s so embarrassing too. Honestly it’s like he just can’t copy with happy emotions or seeing everyone especially me having a laugh and enjoying themselves.

it’ll start with his demeanour and then snippy comments to or about someone or something. Snide remarks and sligh digs to try and get a raise from me or anyone. If that doesn’t work he ups his game and brings out harsher insults and or put downs. This could be absolutely anything it really doesn’t matter as long as he now becomes the centre of attention and everyone has stopped having a great time and is now as miserable as he is, if that doesn’t work, then he pulls out all the stops and starts talking about death and really depressing things and telling stories about how hard his life has been and poor poor me etc etc, he literally has never known a days struggle in his life and everything was and still is handed to him on a silver plate. His life hasn’t ever been shite the only shit situation that have been in his life, so I’ve learned over the years have all been his own making because of drinking and treating people like crap and also thinks he’s better than everyone… so absolutely no sympathy comes his way when he pulls this one and that makes he so so mad.

anyway, so it’s got to the point now where non of our friends will come over or go out and socialise wit us because they know he will kick off and they are sick of it and, I don’t want to go out in public with him because he’s so embarrassing. A few months back we went out for something to eat and he was already half cut by the time our main meal turned up but he decided once we finished we should go to the local pub for a drink. I tried and tried to talk him out of it but he wasn’t having any of it was just kept saying stop being such a boring bitch and let’s go. So to shut him up and try and please him we went. We had not been in there long before he pissed some girls off because he said they all looked like slags very loudly!! I mouthed sorry to them all and gave them a look of please don’t react for my sake, they obviously understood the look coz they said nothing but gave me a knowing nod. A little later on however there really was no getting out of it with a look and a nod. We were sitting in the garden having a drink and a smoke an a grouper of young lads came in, there must have been about 10-12 of them all around 20-25 years old. The boxing was on so they were talking about it and quit lively but not causing any issues at all. My husband then decided to tell them to shut up and called them muggy little c*ts well, you can imagine! One of the very calmly said, what is your problem mate? It’s a pub people talk and it gets loud?… my husband then told him to f-off and shut the F-up. By this point I want the floor to open up and swallow me up! The whole pub is now watch, literally everyone that was inside has now come out because it’s kicking off or about too. I’m begging with him to shut up and let’s go, they are all shouting at him he’s shouting back I’m pleading with him and them it’s an absolute nightmare and honestly, I was getting scared. I figured out who the “leader” of the group was and I went to him and said, please, he’s very pissed and I know that is no excuse to be a c*T but if I get him out now can’t we walk away from this and not be followed home? I stopped and for what felt like a lifetime, had a think and said yes! Get him out of our face and out of this pub now and we will leave it at that, we even shook on it! So I literally grabbed hold of him and dragged him out and convinced him we had to go fast! Obviously one we got away from there he directed it all my way and I became his target but I just did not care at that point I wanted to get home and behind a locked door.

sorry I know I’m rambling, I guess why I’m writing this is to find out if anyone else has this kind of thing with their other half and if so, firstly how are you? How do you put up with it? Why do you put up with it? Has anyone ever got them to see it’s the drink that is the problem or are you just told it’s not the drink at all, even tho you no it damn well is. And finally, did it ever get and better?

many thanks if you ready all of my post, I really appreciate it xx

He sounds horrific and there’s nothing you can do other than try and protect yourself. I would suggest you leave.

i know it seems like it but the drink is not the problem. He is the problem he isn't a lovely charming guy who when he eats a banana he turns into bananaman. He is an abusive asshole - that is who he is - all the time. He just sometimes chooses to hide it to suit his needs and continue to get what he wants.

Other than the obvious (easier said than done) I don't what to tell you. It won't get better. It may get worse slowly, it may get worse fast, particularly if something changes to make you more dependant like you getting pregnant or losing your job. Guys like this usually do exactly as much as they think that they can get away with.

That random he really likes us apart from when he hates us is fucking hell to live with. And the walking on eggshells constantly monitoring his mood - yup been there done that. My Mum never left my Dad, but I wish she had.

And I hope it goes without saying if you don’t have any kids with him yet please don’t have any

I was married to someone exactly like this for years. We lost friends, he fell out with family members, my family. He was also jealous and controlling he was diagnosed with a personality disorder. It was awful, I'd dread him coming home from the pub. I too would see him 'turn' after approximately 2 pints. I'm divorced now, and had a breakdown when we split up. But my god I'd never go back to that ever.

The only advise I'd give is to leave him.

Your marriage needs to be over, right fucking now. Your husband is a vile, abusive alcoholic, and you need to leave now. None of this will get any better. FFS, do not bring children into this disaster.

That's the only reasonable advice to give.

Yeah the only advice that I can give is to divorce him

I think you should call the Al-Anon helpline (0800 0086 811) and talk with them. Maybe some counselling for you to help you with leaving him. It won't change.

How often does he drink? Is this an occasional thing or a regular occurrence? You didn't say the frequency so it would help to know if you think he is alcohol dependent? If it's an occasional thing and he is otherwise a good man, then have you spoken to him? Maybe even filmed him so he can see just how vile he is?

If it's a dependency/alcoholism issue then obviously he needs help.

I have a friend who is a 'mean drunk'. If she's not drinking, she's kind, considerate and holds down a responsible job. But wow, as soon as that first glass of wine is down the hatch, she's looking for a fight. She'll just sometimes randomly send me a bunch of angry texts, picking fault with something I said one time (that I'd completely forgotten about). I just don't reply and then inevitably in the morning I get a big text apology.

I always assumed that it was just the booze but the truth is, she was alcohol dependent. She's now joined AA and is doing much better.

Thank you for reading my post and taking the time to respond.

My children are all grown up now and doing their own things. My kids can’t really stand him because of the drinking but like me, think he’s great when he’s sober. It’s such a shame that windows getting smaller and smaller these days.

im currently away looking after my mum who is going through chemotherapy so while I’m not there he is using that as a reason to drink as soon as he gets in the door from work or today, it’ll be as soon as the local off-licence opens (3pm) anyway the inspiration for my post last night was because he started. I was sat with my mum watching telly and my phone started ringing, we both looked at each other my mum and me , and rolled our eyes, we both knew what was coming because he had been out for a meal with a few people (which annoyed me coz whenever I’ve suggested doing something with anyone I like that it’s a no) sorry, I digress… so we knew he would be pissed and oh boy was he! After he ranted and slagged off the people we was out with he then started moaning about me having to keep going away and then started complaining about our sex life 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️ At this point I literally have jaw ache I’m clenching it that hard trying to stop myself from reacting, my mum doesn’t need the drama. I said to him I think we need to talk in the morning you must be very tired, I know I am so let’s just go to bed. Nop! He’s not having it, he starts trying to get a reaction out of me by calling me a shit wife and a shit shag and he could pay £50 and get better! You know what, I would mind if this was true, well I’m not saying I’m amazing I’m properly not the best but that’s got nothing to do with me, it would help if we was sober long enough to make his little fella work! I mean you can’t jump on it If he’s at work and you can’t jump on it if he’s drinking because it doesn’t work so that leaves me with absolutely zero opportunity unless it’s early morning sex and he’s too hung over! I have pointed this out to him many times when he’s put all the blame on me for us having a terrible non existent sex life, but obviously he wasn’t having any of it and made excuses or if pissed turns it on me. I have been turned down far too many times now I’ve literally given up trying on that side of things. The worst time was our wedding anniversary, I booked a posh hotel, nice restaurant went and had my hair, makeup done and got a whole new outfit and a sexy one for the hotel, I mean I’d spent an absolute fortune on it but stupidly I was so excited. The meal was good the entertainment was good the drinks after started getting a bit iffy with his attitude to people and then we got back to the hotel room, this was a few years back so I was still at the I’ll give it my all and keep trying stage. I slipped off to the bathroom and got my sexy outfit on and vamped up my makeup walked slowly and sexy into the bedroom, he took one look at me and said, “wtf are you doing, you look like you should be working on the street corner!” I was like what? He said you look like a slag! Get it off! Well I was absolutely gutted and so utterly broken, I went back into the bathroom and sat on the loo for what felt like hours crying, he had passed out cold because not one did he come in and check on me or saying anything while I was in there! It was after this point I stopped trying with this kind of stuff, I thought away all my dressing up stuff and any kinky bits like cuffs etc! That side died that night.

it’s mad it feels strangely therapeutic typing all this and I guess getting it off my chest. Again, thank you for listening I guess xx

He drinks more than not at the moment, it kind of changes depending on the situation or shall I say if the opportunity should arrive. So work is quiet so he's getting finished early so he will come home and crack on drinking. I have tried to talk to him about this but it starts a row and then later when drunk he will use the conversation I tried to have with him as a reason to kick off and put me down with nasty comments and try to make out I'm being out of order by even having an opinion on his drinking because it's obviously all my fault! He would drink so much if he had a wife who supported him and didn't judge him etc etc any thing he can think off to put all of the blame on to me. So, I say nothing now because I'm damed if I do but I'm also damed if I don't x

No there is no kids with him and there will never be any we are both sterilised thank god! X

I grew up with a dad who sounds exactly the same as your husband. He wasn't nice, he used alcohol as a way to be his real abusive self. My mum lost all her friends, family didn't come to visit, we lived in fear most of the time as to what he would do next with his verbal abuse etc.
my dad dies almost 2 years ago now and my mum has never looked back, she is so much more happier, despite the 40+ years of mental and verbal abuse.

It won't get better, you will want to try, but if he's not interested in changing then he won't.

I'd like to say you leaving might be a catalyst for change in his behaviour but he is who he is.

Leave before you can't leave......

But why would you put up with it?

Ah OP, then yes, you do have a much bigger problem on your hands. He is clearly alcohol dependent and his abusive behaviour is tearing down the walls of everything else in your life, including your relationship with your kids and friends and your sex life. The monster of alcohol is getting bigger and bigger, all the while you are paying the price and your life is getting smaller and smaller.

He needs urgent help but if he refuses to get it, then you have to 100% put yourself first. People on MN are very quick to say 'leave' but as we all know, we often stay out of misguided loyalty or we get stuck remembering the good times or who the person really is when they're not drunk. But sometimes in an addiction situation, the single most loving thing you can do is let that person hit rock bottom and lose everything. You have some tough decisions to make but the truth is, this will not get better on its own.

He’s revolting. I couldn’t be in the same bed as him far less even consider sex.

can you stay with your mum for a bit and formulate an exit plan?

and block his number even temporarily to give yourself a break.

this is a lost cause. He’s abusive and addicted to alcohol and there is nothing you can do. I’m an alcohol addict myself. Now sober. The addict needs to make the change. No one else can do anything

He isn't going to change. You should end your marriage and walk away, you have no reason to stay. Make a list in your head of the pros and cons - bet you the list marked 'reasons to stay' will be very, very short.

When you leave, you will have a life with friends, you will be able to socialise, you won't have to walk on eggshells. Freedom awaits, grab it.

Jesus Christ. What have I just read?

I wouldn’t tolerate that for a minute. What an abusive, bullying arsehole he is.

He won’t change. Get out for your own sanity and well being.

Run, as far as you can, as fast as you can. Thank every God and Goddess you don't have kids yet.

Jeez. Leave him.

And I say this as a (reformed) alcoholic myself. I never did anything like this to DH and I wouldn't expect him to stay with me if I had.

Because I love him and know he can be the man I fell in love with. He was and can be so charming, caring and attentive etc so I guess I pray he will finally see what he has and then sort himself out and grow up, but he's in his 50's now so growing up isn't going to happen is it.

There is also the side of me that is scared to leave of fear of the unknown and the shit I'll get from him and his flying monkeys, by that I mean he is very good at acting the victim and tells people it's me that's the problem and I'm so awful... I've left before and the stories I've heard from people on what he's been telling them and I've also had people believe him and turn against me! It's awful, he's so bloody convincing he's even had me so confused and my head all over the place I've believe it's been my fault he's mad over something, maybe I should of done better etc he is very good at gaslighting me and others around at the time of kick off. I know this is the case because I started voice recording him when he starts because I was so sick of him making out it was me who started or telling me he said something completely different to what I know he said, I'd sit there once he passed out so bloody confused. So I'd listen to the recording the next day when I get the chance and know then that I'm not losing my mind and I could head it all clearly from start to end. As I said before I'd always no way before hand when he was going to kick off so I'd press recording and it could be hours later that he kicks off but then at least I have a true full account of it all and not just as it's started. I've also taken to recording it all so people believe me should I need proof or evidence should anything happen to me. There are two friends of mine who know the passcode to my phone and know about the recordings.

There is more reasons I feel i can't leave and start again but I don't want to go into too much detail about that or it might be obvious to someone who knows us that it's me.

The odd thing is he can stop drinking for weeks! When I've left before because of all this he has promised to stop drinking and go and get counselling but will never admit it's the drink that is the issue. So weeks go by without him have a drop and he goes to a few appointments with the shrink and convinces me to go back. He behaves himself for a few more weeks and then the alcohol creeps back in after he lays the ground work with the "I'm really not sleeping very well at all" he says this every day for a good few days and then comes home with booze and says, "look I need to sleep, we have been getting on really well and there has been no problems it'll be fine it's not the alcohol anyway, I'll just have a few" bit by bit that few beers becomes a lot of beers and now it's beers and a hidden bottle of spirts that he drinks neat! I thought it might of just been spit's that was the problem but it doesn't seem to matter what it is he's drinking it's the level of pissed he gets that is the issue, obviously spirts just gets him there faster.

So I'm a little confused, if he can give it up without seemly an issue for weeks is he an alcoholic?

i wish the label “alcoholic” would be done away with, it’s so unhelpful.

people addicted to alcohol are drug addicts same as any other.

if you have to ask if someone has a problem
with alcohol the answer is yes or otherwise you wouldn’t be asking.

stopping for a bit and then going back to it as bad as ever doesn’t mean he’s not addicted, no. It means the opposite in fact that once he starts drinking he can’t control it.

I’m addicted to alcohol, not that I was a nasty or abusive drunk but it still changed me as a person. I was harder as a person which I hated. I’m nearly a year sober and I know I can’t drink again because I’m an addict. Your husband hasn’t reached that point.
maybe he never will. But if he does, it will have to be his choice and doing it for him. You can do nothing to help him. You need to
just look out for you.

So I'm a little confused, if he can give it up without seemly an issue for weeks is he an alcoholic?

YES, your husband is 100% an alcoholic. Sadly, you are the one gaslighting yourself now. For some reason you are trying to convince yourself that he will change and that this will all just magically go away. It will not. You must get away from him.