Husband & Alcohol

[Manc1894]

So I’ve been with my husband now for 8 years and married for 5. In the most part he’s charming, caring and we have very similar interests in things so life should not be better… Except it’s a living hell for what is now being more often than not. As I say he can be so bloody lovely and everything you could ever want, that is until he drinks!

when he drinks it’s like a switch has been flicked and Jekyll transformers into Hyde. As soon as he picks up his first drink of alcohol I instantly tense up and my anxiety starts. The whole time is spend on fragile eggshells and trying my best to keep the mood light and happy, it’s extremely exhausting. Try as I may, it’s just never enough and 9x out of 10 he turns. Sometimes I’m coughed off guard but it’s very very rear this happens, it’s like I have some strange sick sense for it now and I know he’s going to become a arsehole before he does. On this odd occasion where I’m completely knocked over with shock and horror is when we are having a fantastic time with friends and or family and all of a sudden he will start! Complete out of the blue and for absolutely no reason at all, it’s so embarrassing too. Honestly it’s like he just can’t copy with happy emotions or seeing everyone especially me having a laugh and enjoying themselves.

it’ll start with his demeanour and then snippy comments to or about someone or something. Snide remarks and sligh digs to try and get a raise from me or anyone. If that doesn’t work he ups his game and brings out harsher insults and or put downs. This could be absolutely anything it really doesn’t matter as long as he now becomes the centre of attention and everyone has stopped having a great time and is now as miserable as he is, if that doesn’t work, then he pulls out all the stops and starts talking about death and really depressing things and telling stories about how hard his life has been and poor poor me etc etc, he literally has never known a days struggle in his life and everything was and still is handed to him on a silver plate. His life hasn’t ever been shite the only shit situation that have been in his life, so I’ve learned over the years have all been his own making because of drinking and treating people like crap and also thinks he’s better than everyone… so absolutely no sympathy comes his way when he pulls this one and that makes he so so mad.

anyway, so it’s got to the point now where non of our friends will come over or go out and socialise wit us because they know he will kick off and they are sick of it and, I don’t want to go out in public with him because he’s so embarrassing. A few months back we went out for something to eat and he was already half cut by the time our main meal turned up but he decided once we finished we should go to the local pub for a drink. I tried and tried to talk him out of it but he wasn’t having any of it was just kept saying stop being such a boring bitch and let’s go. So to shut him up and try and please him we went. We had not been in there long before he pissed some girls off because he said they all looked like slags very loudly!! I mouthed sorry to them all and gave them a look of please don’t react for my sake, they obviously understood the look coz they said nothing but gave me a knowing nod. A little later on however there really was no getting out of it with a look and a nod. We were sitting in the garden having a drink and a smoke an a grouper of young lads came in, there must have been about 10-12 of them all around 20-25 years old. The boxing was on so they were talking about it and quit lively but not causing any issues at all. My husband then decided to tell them to shut up and called them muggy little c*ts well, you can imagine! One of the very calmly said, what is your problem mate? It’s a pub people talk and it gets loud?… my husband then told him to f-off and shut the F-up. By this point I want the floor to open up and swallow me up! The whole pub is now watch, literally everyone that was inside has now come out because it’s kicking off or about too. I’m begging with him to shut up and let’s go, they are all shouting at him he’s shouting back I’m pleading with him and them it’s an absolute nightmare and honestly, I was getting scared. I figured out who the “leader” of the group was and I went to him and said, please, he’s very pissed and I know that is no excuse to be a c*T but if I get him out now can’t we walk away from this and not be followed home? I stopped and for what felt like a lifetime, had a think and said yes! Get him out of our face and out of this pub now and we will leave it at that, we even shook on it! So I literally grabbed hold of him and dragged him out and convinced him we had to go fast! Obviously one we got away from there he directed it all my way and I became his target but I just did not care at that point I wanted to get home and behind a locked door.

sorry I know I’m rambling, I guess why I’m writing this is to find out if anyone else has this kind of thing with their other half and if so, firstly how are you? How do you put up with it? Why do you put up with it? Has anyone ever got them to see it’s the drink that is the problem or are you just told it’s not the drink at all, even tho you no it damn well is. And finally, did it ever get and better?

many thanks if you ready all of my post, I really appreciate it xx

If he’s in his 50s and drinking like this long term he might not live much longer anyway to be honest. The damage he will be doing to his body by constantly poisoning it will be massive.

I’m sorry OP. He’s a lost cause and your misery will only increase if you keep wasting your precious life with him x

Why is the label so important to you OP?

His drinking, when he does drink, is an unhealthy amount, makes him nasty, puts himself and you at risk of violence, lies, name calls, humiliates you, has often isolated you from socialising your friends who are embarrassed of his behaviour, lost the respect of your children, can't maintain an erection... yet he chooses to continue drinking to excess. Alcohol is more important to him than allll of those things.

Whether he drinks that every single day or has the odd week or month off, he makes the active choice to continue doing it. This means he has a relationship with alcohol that is prioritised over his relationship with you.

And this isn't just an alcohol issue. It's a personality issue.

Read this back and think about whether this person is really someone you should be considering spending the rest of your one, precious life with?

His life hasn’t ever been shite the only shit situation that have been in his life, so I’ve learned over the years have all been his own making because of drinking and treating people like crap and also thinks he’s better than everyone…

The fact he said the following to you reveals his absolute contempt for not just you but women in general tbh.

He’s not having it, he starts trying to get a reaction out of me by calling me a shit wife and a shit shag and he could pay £50 and get better!

I can't believe you stayed after that but I know you feel totally ground down by him.

Please don't waste the rest of your life trying to make him better. If he wanted to he would. And if he needs rock bottom to get better, you staying with him is enabling him not to have to hit that rock bottom.

Remember the recent meme about a packet of Maltesers? If 50% of them contained honeycomb and the other 50% contained shit, would you still dip your hand into the bag? That's your husband. There is literally NOTHING you can do to help him - it has to come from himself. Leave, it won't get any better; google the "sunk cost fallacy."

How exhausting and sad for you. You have become his carer, his mother.

You need to leave.

I like this one!

I have been on Mumsnet ( under various names ) for a very very long time - I have never ever written these words

Leave the bastard

You deserve so much better , your emotional well-being , inner peace and security will be so much better off

Please just go and be with your mum 💐

I would tell him he has a choice. You or the bottle. It is hard to give up drinking so obviously offer your support if he chooses that, but he has to want to do it. PM me if you want advice on books, Facebook groups, aa etc. I work in the field.

You need to leave him when you can. Maybe it isn’t possible just yet but for Gods sake, get planning

My love he's a vile person and an extremely nasty drunk.
How has he managed not to have the sh$t beaten out of him by someone in a pub is amazing to me.
You're living in fear and shame, please just leave, he can't change. Good luck. Xx

I know a family member like this. An absolute arsehole when they drink and none of her kids speak to her. Noone has labelled her an alcoholic because she can seemingly go without but she still drinks ALOT compared to the average person and she turns into a she devil. The thing is though, she's an arsehole in general if I'm honest! People blame the alcohol but that just exacerbates things, she's still a dick either way.

You've given your reasons why you don't think you can leave. That's fair , just know that this is your life from now on.
Do you want to live like this ?
If so why ?
There won't be any flying monkeys - everyone knows he's an arsehole- you'll probably get lots of support.

Thank you all so much. Ready your comments and seeing your thoughts has definitely given me a lot to think about. A lot of what you are all saying is true and has hit home, writing this post was a wake up call if I'm honest. See I never complain or explain my marriage to anyone so on the surface it looks like we are this amazing funny couple but if you spend any real time with us where alcohol is present, that perfect couple doesn't look so great after all. And this is why we do not have any close friends who spend time with us together and most of his friends are now my friends after they have seen the way he acts and treats me when he's pissed, but obviously them not being his friend now and then being my friend means I've lied and turned them agains him! Obviously 🙄🤦🏻‍♀️ it's never going to be anything he's done wrong, no no no. Like yesterday, I was on the way to the hospital with my mum and he phoned me, do I know where his security key is for his online banking, I said politely, no sorry I don't I'm driving and need my sat nav I'll call you when mum is checked in.... I call him back ten minutes later and he has a go at me for moving it! I said I haven't moved anything on your desk in no better than too. He insisted it had to be me who had moved and was in a right strop. I said I had to go the doctor wanted to talk to us, the doctor wasn't there I just needed him to get off the phone because I did not want my mum knowing he was giving me shit!!

One more thing, I'm new to this group and a few of you have used OP on your reply, what does that mean? Lol 😂 🤦🏻‍♀️ I'm forever saying this to my kids when they text me short hand text 🙄

There's a phrase in aa and you started the first of it. You are describing the Poor Me's. Poor Me, poor me, poor me, Pour me another one.

It's an excuse to drink, busy day, slow day, hot day, cold day, happy mood, sad mood, doesn't matter Id have drank on it.

Im in recovery now for many years, and getting off booze was the best thing I could have done to improve my life but it was hard and I wanted it badly;

He doesn't want to stop and there is totally ZERO that you can do to make him want to stop. If you can't leave and I get it that this isn't always possible sadly, then you have to never go out with him again, he's putting you at risk.

Build a life for you whilst living in the house that doesn't involve him.

Don't waste your breath talking to him when he's pissed, he is particularly vile.

Call Al-anon

XH became like this. I tried everything to help him. I tried to shield the DC from
his behaviour. Nothing worked. I couldn’t plan anything, as I never knew what he’d be like. I was scared all the time. I also did the voice recordings. I still have them somewhere. All the verbal abuse, threats and so on. He got physical with me just the once - his now ex best mate saw that and was disgusted.

We did a trial separation for him to get clean/sober and so we could work on things. He took that as carte blanche to get drunk and high all the time…oh and fuck off with OW (who also loved a drink and drugs).

I filed for divorce and his behaviour ramped up to the point I contacted the police, had my solicitor write to him and then went to court for a PSO to stop him having the kids unsupervised. The judge granted that, and had a CAO done at the same time (kids were to live with me full time, and XH wasn’t allowed to have them for any overnight stays). XH’s friends stopped talking to him, as did a lot of his family.

XH regrets it all now, and still wants to come back, but I won’t ever have him back. I don’t ever want to be scared in my own home again. Even now, I start to shake if I smell vodka on people’s breath. And I get scared if people I don’t know well are drunk. My home life is so peaceful now. I can plan things and not worry. I can go to sleep and not worry that the house would be trashed when I wake up. The kids are happy. I’m happy.

there is nothing you can do to help him, because he doesn’t want the help, and he won’t admit there’s a problem. You have to look after yourself or he will grind you into the floor. Please LTB. I should have left years before, instead of believing there was a chance XH could turn back into the lovely guy I married. Don’t stand for that behaviour, you deserve much better. X

I've been there too. Get out or get him out. It's your life or his life. He'll bring you down - in fact he has brought you down

My DH was a lovely kind gentle caring man when he was sober and when he was drinking he was abusive to people, rude undermining to me. He'd come home with injuries where he'd picked a fight with people. I picked him up from the street several times and collected him in a drunken stupor from the pub many times. He couldn't stand me doing well so he gatecrashed work parties drunk or the course I was doing socials, he didn't turn up for my MA graduation because I'd done better than him.

I tried to gloss over his drunken behaviour to people but they aren't stupid they knew. We lost most of our friends and stopped having any kind of social life. I put all my efforts into my job where I was doing well. If anyone tried to talk to me about his drinking I blocked them off - it was my coping strategy to keep my life in compartments.
I decided d I decided I'd had enough of the drinking that my life was more important and that I couldn't put up with another 10, 20 , 30

He's an abusive alcoholic and he won’t change. The kindest thing you can do for both of you is to leave because as long as you put up with it there is no reason for him to change. You deserve more than him. The man you feel in love with is clearly not who he is any more.

PS…OP = original poster

Sorry sent too soon another 20 30 years of this. He'd done the counselling next the drying out but had always found a reason to go back on the drink - initially he'd say in a controlled way, but it usually crept back up quickly.

He's got you caught up in his own drunken toxic thinking where you are spending all your time trying to 2nd guess him and preempt the worst from happening. You can't live your life like this.

I'm out and with someone who rarely gets drink but even yesterday he'd gone to the pub usually I go too but have a bad cold, we usually have two drinks and come home, we was a bit late and I suddenly started thinking he's had too much and he's fallen over drunk. - it doesn't leave you.
Do it for your sake. Unhook yourself from this horrible toxic life and live a decent life for yourself.

He sounds vile. Absolutely awful. Get out.

You need to leave him. Stay with your Mum and come up with a plan - get some legal advice. You say that to the rest of the world you look like an amazing fun couple - you ŕeally will not look like this, other people will clearly see what he is like.

Original Poster - that's you @Manc1894

LTB = Leave the Bastard, and that's my advice.

The person you fell for doesn't exist anymore. That's in the past. Take a snapshot of the last 2 months - How's that working for you?

An alcoholic is anyone for whom alcohol is causing problems in their lives or the lives of those around them. It doesn't always mean they drink every day, or that they sleep on a park bench clutching a bottle of something wrapped in a brown paper bag.

Your dh is definitely an alcoholic. He's probably got some liver damage by now. I bet he smells revolting the morning after - people who drink too much sweat alcohol and it's a horrible, yeasty, rotting, sweet smell. Why should you put up with that? He's driven away all your friends and had you walking on eggshells. Being at the stage of having to record conversations is not nice. What an arsehole he is.

Leave. Walk away. Do not look back. Block him on everything.
I wasted 5 years of my life on an alcoholic. He nearly bankrupted me, embarrassed me in front of colleagues ( his and mine) He was thrown out of an awards ceremony ( you have to be bad to be chucked out of that it’s a wall to wall alcohol - fest) I could go on about the risky situations he put me in, the friends who abandoned me.
It will never get any better. It can get worse.
You need your life back.

Sorry for the typos. My head is muzzy with this cold

Phew! Thank you for clearing up the short hand lol 😂 I'm bloody useless at it. But thank you all for taking the time to offer advice and encouragement. Xx