Selfish Husband

[Lillylight]

We’ve been married for 5 years and the red flags have been there from the start if I’m honest. Husband can be so charming and lovely but he can also switch this on and off. His closest friends have expressed that he can be very selfish and this is unlikely to change. I know sometimes he really tries but he lacks empathy so often when he thinks he is helping he isn’t. I literally cannot talk to him about anything that slightly resembles criticism of him as he will blow up. He never apologies as he always feels his words/actions are justified due to my shortfalls or behaviours. All this said I’m finding the divorce route impossible. Please help, I’ve not many people I can reach out to and my family dislike him.

Is he a narc? Sounds like he's ticking boxes, low self esteem, can't take any criticism, never wrong, no empathy, switches on and off his niceness to impress people, completely selfish, picks you apart because you are not perfect enough.
Leave him and go back to your family, if he's a narc things will never improve and may well get much worse. He'd have no problem cutting you out as soon as you were no longer useful. He probably won't take it well though and will either go on an all out charm offensive - can't live without you type thing - or will be the victim and tell everyone how awful you are and how hard he tried.

Why are you finding the divorce route impossible?

This man's own close friends told you he's a dick. That should give you all the information you need.

To be honest I’ve had that worry that he could be a narc or certainly has narc tendencies. How do you know for sure? I feel so stupid for not paying attention to the red flags. I was a fairly strong women before this relationship but now I feel like a total wreck. Thank you so much for replying

You don't need to know for sure, because it doesn't make any difference. You're unhappy and you need to leave, him being a narc doesn't change that.

Have you tried plainly saying to him that if "one" isn't prepared to accept criticism from time to time when it is due that "one" never develops as a human being. And to think that "one" is presently perfect and has no need to change or alter as the rest of the world alters around then is "a fucking unliveable with precious god complex that is as boring as watching grass grow".

Possibly rephrase the last bit. "Rolling stone gathers no moss" you have more moss than the twilight zone of the rainforest sweetheart.

I suppose it’s difficult as Ive put all my eggs into the basket of marriage and now it’s falling apart I feel like what the hell will I do post divorce as I don’t really want me single life back. It’s a ball ache!!

It's a 5 year marriage not decades.

Well is living with him forever or until he decides to leave better or worse than been single with view of trying to meet someone better?

Honestly OP, I don't like to be a LTB poster, but no relationship should make you feel like a total wreck of your former self.

Choose to waste just 5 years on him rather than any longer.

And my advice was to try and question his behaviour that at least had the possibility of an interesting conversation that MIGHT help you. It wasn't "leave him he'll never change" more have an attempt to see if he might be open to change and then decide if he won't if you live with this interpretation of marriage until one of you dies.

Divorce can be difficult but it’s never impossible. Write a list then work through it. Life is short, honestly, don’t stay miserable. Being alone is nothing to be scared of and you might even meet someone decent if you let this one go.

As your family don’t like him hopefully they’ll support you in leaving him.

Please focus on the steps you need to take to get out rather than focussing on this narc stuff. It’s completely irrelevant and so many people on here are obsessed with it and endlessly picking it over. He makes you unhappy, he’s crap at communicating, your future doesn’t lie with him. So get a divorce, dust yourself off and don’t ignore red flags in future.

He has the traits of a narcissist

Thanks everyone for your replies. There is also a serious mothers boy complex going on. The umbilical cord is very much still attached. She is a lovely lady but it’s not helping me dispel the myth that the world should revolve around him.

Should not!

The whole 'narc' thing can get ridiculously overblown on MN. Far more people are just horrible than have actual personality disorders.

Sounds like he's a dickhead. If your parents dislike him, that's for the best, because they will welcome you back with open arms.

It doesn't sound like it's love for him (or fear of him) that's making you feel divorce is impossible, but the thought of the unknown and perhaps the ego blow of telling everyone that your marriage didn't work out (I've been there too, it's uncomfortable but less bad than you think).

Think ahead 5 years. Same situation, but now you maybe have kids.

If there's something you value and he's not abusive then couples counselling can give you a shot at addressing issues - and even if it doesn't work, you can feel like you tried. Otherwise, better to cut your losses now.

So what? She needs to leave him. His personality issues are irrelevant. Why do people do this?

So ask him what does "a wife" mean to him.

And, this is the important bit, just listen, don't say a word, just listen to what he says.

Go from there.

We tried couples counselling. The counsellor basically gave up on us. Our conflicts are the same, over and over again. It is all involves him getting all wrapped up in something, forgetting I exist, me being upset about the latter and then him punishing me not understanding him. FFS

And ask yourself the same question, "what does a husband mean to you" not your present husband but "a husband" and see how close or far he is from your true, deep down, answer.

Great question. I’ll give this a go and report back.

Just ask him what a wife means to him.

See what he says.

Thank you, thank you so much for taking the time to post. 🤗

No conflict.

Don't react to his answer.
Don't take it personally.
Just listen.
Let him talk.
Relax.
You need this information to go forward.

Have a glass of wine beforehand.
Maybe if you like wine/gin. Just one.
Relax.

Whenever I try and ask questions about how he feels about me or our marriage I just get the focus on yourself and be true to yourself statement. I think he likes the idea of being married and maybe part of him feels the pressure to be married but in reality he’s not taken to it well. I know on some level he does love me but it’s not my version of love.