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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Selfish Husband

58 replies

Lillylight · 01/07/2022 20:50

We’ve been married for 5 years and the red flags have been there from the start if I’m honest. Husband can be so charming and lovely but he can also switch this on and off. His closest friends have expressed that he can be very selfish and this is unlikely to change. I know sometimes he really tries but he lacks empathy so often when he thinks he is helping he isn’t. I literally cannot talk to him about anything that slightly resembles criticism of him as he will blow up. He never apologies as he always feels his words/actions are justified due to my shortfalls or behaviours. All this said I’m finding the divorce route impossible. Please help, I’ve not many people I can reach out to and my family dislike him.

OP posts:
Mememene · 01/07/2022 21:47

He probably loves you as much as he is capable of loving anyone, it's just his personality.

Have you ever looked at each day of the week and asked yourself what day is better/happier/brighter more fulfilling because your husband is in your life.

When I asked myself that question many years ago, the answer was that no day was better for having my then husband in it. It wasn't the only factor in leaving but it helped me to look at it less emotionally which is natural and more factually.

frozendaisy · 01/07/2022 21:47

But you don't need to know how he feels about you specifically just what he thinks a wife is.

You say you "put all your eggs in one basket" this marriage.

He went through marriage vows.

What does any of this actually mean to either of you? Not specifically but generally.

Either it's a tick-box exercise.
Or it's "in sickness and in health"
Or whatever in between.
But you need to find these answers

unsync · 01/07/2022 22:13

Can you endure another five, ten, or fifteen years living like this? Although the reality is that it will get worse as time goes by.

Life is short, don't live it in misery and anxiety, walking on eggshells for a man who abuses you. Whatever you do, you will never be enough. He will always blame you for his shortcomings and his failure to take responsibility will be your fault.

I speak from experience. Leave now.

frezs · 01/07/2022 22:50

The whole wondering if he is a narc is a complete waste of time. Honestly - don't spend time working it out as you won't get an answer. You will spend so much wasted time trying to figure out when really does it matter? What matters is you and where you go from here.

If marriage counselling didn't work then he seems very unwilling to even attempt to make you happy and changed his ways.

Has he been to therapy on his own?

Original poster
Lillylight · 02/07/2022 07:56

Another major issue is that my DH thinks it’s acceptable to leave the house all day on a Sunday for sport and have a drink afterwards and in his words ‘come home when he is ready’. This can be hours after the game has finished. The sport is fine with me and so is the drink afterwards but it’s I feel disrespected by “Ill coke home when I’m ready”. This can be 7pm or 10pm or later.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 02/07/2022 08:03

How much do you think he would change if a baby/ children came into your lives ? Do you think nothing would change, and how do you feel about that ?

Original poster
Lillylight · 02/07/2022 08:06

He’s just refuses to see my point of view on this. He would rather get a divorce than have to come home after the sport. He genuinely believes it’s his right to come home whenever he wants end of.

OP posts:
TedMullins · 02/07/2022 08:09

I mean, what is the problem with him coming home whenever he wants? Do you have kids? If not, why is it an issue? I’d do the same! Unless there’s a drip feed about problematic drinking coming

Original poster
Lillylight · 02/07/2022 08:09

I could well be being unreasonable but it upsets me and I’m not happy about it, at a minimum I just want him to see it from my perspective. We only get the weekend together due to work commitments so that only leaves one day at the weekend for time together plus the usual chores.

OP posts:
TedMullins · 02/07/2022 08:11

Is the main/only problem? I wouldn’t take kindly to someone giving me a curfew to be completely honest.

Original poster
Lillylight · 02/07/2022 08:13

Thanks for replying; it is a fair point you are making. There has been occasions when he hasn’t come home at all, I been left worrying all night and he’s come home the next day….no apology. So there is a bit more of a background to this issue which is causing conflict.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 02/07/2022 08:13

He isn’t a keeper, I’d make a move to leave.

TedMullins · 02/07/2022 08:22

that adds a different slant to it, that is inconsiderate of him to stay out all night and not let you know. If you’re not happy though and don’t have kids (so logistically leaving is easier, not suggesting kids should be a reason to stay) I’m not sure why you’re so resistant to the divorce option. Why sign up for a lifetime of this?

Mememene · 02/07/2022 08:28

TedMullins · 02/07/2022 08:22

that adds a different slant to it, that is inconsiderate of him to stay out all night and not let you know. If you’re not happy though and don’t have kids (so logistically leaving is easier, not suggesting kids should be a reason to stay) I’m not sure why you’re so resistant to the divorce option. Why sign up for a lifetime of this?

You aren't going to change him, you can only change how you react to his behaviour. You have one life and it's too short to be with someone who makes you miserable.

Original poster
Lillylight · 02/07/2022 08:41

I suppose it’s that stupid thing call love. 🙄

OP posts:
Paq · 02/07/2022 08:45

Do you have children? If not, it's a much simpler decision to separate.

Mememene · 02/07/2022 08:46

Lillylight · 02/07/2022 08:41

I suppose it’s that stupid thing call love. 🙄

Love isn't supposed to crush your.cinfidence as a person. I know I'm going through leaving someone who is so not right for me but it hurts like hell.

I could see a miserable future unless I walked away, took the pain now and healed. The choice was to live with a different kind of pain for decades. You may need to see where your future is as he won't change

Original poster
Lillylight · 02/07/2022 08:49

I know he won’t change, he’s said it himself. I don’t think he means to intentionally hurt me but he gets wrapped up in his own world and forgets I exist. The issue he never seems to come out of his own world and see thins from a different perspective.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lillylight · 02/07/2022 08:49

Sorry to hear you’re hurting but big well done for making and taking a tough decision forward.

OP posts:
something2say · 02/07/2022 08:59

He's selfish and this is how life with him IS. I know it's tough, but it might mean splitting and starting again. But we learn each time you know?

Mememene · 02/07/2022 09:14

The fact he says he won't change is what you need to hear from him. It's brutally honest. My ex said the same thing, we know where we stand now, this is how it's going to be, so we have to make the choice. Stay or start again?

I get that his ripped your confidence away, that makes leaving harder but you will never get it back when you are with him.

Spohn · 02/07/2022 11:11

no need for the navel gazing, he has told you he will not change, so you know what you’re choosing if you decide to stay married to this bloke. Why would you want to spend time at the weekend with a man who doesn’t like you?

Mememene · 02/07/2022 11:28

Spohn · 02/07/2022 11:11

no need for the navel gazing, he has told you he will not change, so you know what you’re choosing if you decide to stay married to this bloke. Why would you want to spend time at the weekend with a man who doesn’t like you?

Seems like classic emotional abuse to me that robs you of your confidence, I've been there. It drags you down.

It makes you scared to start again - for me the red flags were when she said I was a fairly strong women before this relationship but now I feel like a total wreck

and

I literally cannot talk to him about anything that slightly resembles criticism of him as he will blow up. He never apologies as he always feels his words/actions are justified due to my shortfalls or behaviours.

Theredjellybean · 02/07/2022 11:39

It seems to me that you both want / expect different things from this marriage.
I for one can have some sympathy with your DH...i do not want to be with someone who wants to spend all the weekend with me...i'd feel so suffocated and i would not react well to my DP telling me what time i needed to be home etc ; as i am an adult who can make my own choices.
that said it is unreasonable to stay out all night without letting you know, he must know you would worry - quite reasonably.

he wont change, and the biggest issue i see on MN over and over is women thinking that men will change cus they love them ( as in if this man really loves me then he will change for me) ...you could argue it the other way...if you really loved him you would change to accommodate his choices/lifestyle etc.

I don't think you have failed or he is the all out bad guy here , you just sound utterly incompatible and you need to split so you both have a chance of finding a partner who is more compatible with your ideal of a marriage/relationship

Fireflygal · 02/07/2022 12:07

The whole 'narc' thing can get ridiculously overblown on MN. Far more people are just horrible than have actual personality disorders

Incidences of NPD are thought to be much higher than diagnosed since people who are highly narcisstic will never seek a diagnosis.

Why it's relevant to know - because a disorder means that they are unable to change (rather than someone who is thoughtless or selfish at times). The lack of empathy means they will never be able to see their partner perspective so talking/counselling can't work.

Too many people endure narcisstic relationships because they don't know what they are dealing with AND society tells couples relationships need work. However it's the empathic "normal" partner who does the work whilst the narcisstic person just takes (until they realise they might be abandoned so then switch to nice mode)

Op, how old are you both? Awareness of his traits will help you unravel from this marriage. Do you really love someone who treats you badly? Do you feel you deserve better?

A bad relationship can have long term affects, on your confidence and health. If you knew for 100% he can't change would you stay living this life?

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