Selfish Husband

[Lillylight]

We’ve been married for 5 years and the red flags have been there from the start if I’m honest. Husband can be so charming and lovely but he can also switch this on and off. His closest friends have expressed that he can be very selfish and this is unlikely to change. I know sometimes he really tries but he lacks empathy so often when he thinks he is helping he isn’t. I literally cannot talk to him about anything that slightly resembles criticism of him as he will blow up. He never apologies as he always feels his words/actions are justified due to my shortfalls or behaviours. All this said I’m finding the divorce route impossible. Please help, I’ve not many people I can reach out to and my family dislike him.

If you're not ready to leave then read up on toxic relationships. Lundy "why does he do that" and Patricia Evans are good starting points.

I recommend if you decide to leave - plan it secretly - toxic partners often react badly to being left. I didn't and he was highly vindictive over the separation as a result.

I do feel that incompatibility as we certainly have different boundaries and different expectations etc. his own family say he is stubborn and will dig in and not change. That’s who he is.

Ok, so do you need even more people to tell you the same thing his relatives and he himself have told you?

What is it you're waiting for, OP? He's not going to change. He doesn't want to, has no incentive to, and has told you he won't. So what do you want to happen? You have invested 5 years in this man, you should walk away thankful that it was only 5 years and not the rest of your life.

Get your own counsellor Tell then you feel you need to divorce but can’t find the strength. Ask for support.

You sound like you have all day Sunday to yourself. Spend that time focusing on your mental health. Yoga,meditation, self affirmations. Yes it may be hard but you can conquer that mountain. Get some support and go on to a happy life

This sounds like a horrible relationship. Relationships are supposed to be supportive, enjoyable, equal. Otherwise, what's the point?! Especially when you don't have kids.

Honestly, what are you clinging on for?

If the relationship makes you feel satisfied, fair enough. But if it doesn't, well, life is too short.

It's your choice. No one else will make it for you.

hi op, I’m assuming you don’t have dc yet, if that’s the case it would be a mistake to have them with someone so self centred. It seems to me that he sees your relationship as housemates with benefits. I also think that this is not what you want. So the first question is, would this arrangement work for you? If so and as long as he pulls his weight with housework etc (I’m guessing not) embrace it, stop asking when he’s coming home and arrange your own life.

His standard response to you is to focus on yourself (ie I’m not going to commit any time to your happiness) so what do you want long term?

D you want dc? Then LTB and find someone worthy of you that will pull their weight.

make a list of things you want in life, travel, hobbies etc. how much of what you want does he actually feature in, or would willingly and happily join in and contribute to and enjoy doing, and not do that grudgingly? I think we all know the answer but only you know for sure, so what is tying you to him that you struggle to find the strength for divorce? Let us help find solutions to that.

Narc or not… forget labelling his behaviour. Look at how it makes you feel.

you aren’t happy. You don’t feel valued. This isn’t what you want from a relationship let alone marriage.

can you imagine another 40+ years of that. Christ I’d rather be single.

I feel if children came along he would get worse not better.

don’t think of divorce meaning you’d have to live a single life again.

think of divorce as a means to an end to be happy again. To get a happy you back. That’s worth it’s weight in gold.