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Original poster

Affair? Advice I don’t know what to do

64 replies

Greenlace27 · 01/07/2022 11:44

Can I start by saying I know how awful this is, or seems to me and I feel so guilty and torn up.

So for the last few months me and another man have been talking everyday but it was very friendly, was never any indication it was anything more than 2 friends and never would be as he is happily married. My own relationship broke down last year and I just enjoyed having someone to talk to but in my head I thought this was just friendly conversation. Maybe I was denying how I felt because I knew it was pointless but I don’t know.
Then last week a big group of us went out for drinks and he bought me drinks all night and I was incredibly drunk, he walked me home and we kissed and apparently more happened (I don’t remember, he does) but we didn’t go too far.
Now I realise I think I did have feelings for him and he says he has feelings for me, I realise this is an awful situation as his wife is a good person and lovely and I cannot be in this position with him.
So, I am trying to move passed it but now he keeps messaging saying how much he wishes we had gone for it and how much he wishes he could be with me, which pulls me back in and I feel awful, then says but nothing can happen as his life is good.
Now what I need advice on is what do I do? I feel like if I was his wife I’d want to know but I don’t want to tell her and ruin his life as they have a child too. I just feel so torn up, I can’t eat or sleep from the guilt of what happened and how I feel. I don’t know how to move forward.
Any advice or even just calling me a horrible person would be appreciated. Thanks.

OP posts:
User0610134049 · 01/07/2022 11:47

I think in your shoes, I wouldn’t necessarily tell her but I would be clear with him this is not the person you are and you don’t want to be in this position. Then sadly you will have to cut all contact, which is the only way. Will hurt for a while but better than getting in any deeper.

Bunty55 · 01/07/2022 11:47

Just block him. You knew he was married when you got into this.

Crikeyalmighty · 01/07/2022 11:49

You are not remotely horrible but a prime example of many women on here being very naive about 'some' male friends motives for friendship . And I say 'some' as it definitely isn't all men. Just blank him OP- he's a disloyal shit who took advantage of you.

Teaandcrumpets95 · 01/07/2022 11:50

Tell his wife.

She deserves to know what kind of person she's married to.

She deserves to have the choice whether to stay or not.

Then block his number.

Fwiw I think it's good you feel guilty- it shows you know what happened was wrong and acknowledge your part in that. I am sorry though, it must feel terrible. Maybe do some personal reflection as to why you got into this situation? Do some work on yourself for yourself, then try to put it behind you and then don't do it again. Horrible situation- but I think personal growth is important.

Misstes · 01/07/2022 11:57

You block him and forget about him.. He is hardly a catch married and took advantage of the situation when you was drunk. If you was so drunk you can't remember what happened you couldn't have been in a position to give consent had it have gone further, yet this didn't bother him. He has told you nothing can happen his life is good, he just wants you as a plaything. You're worth more than that!

Cstring · 01/07/2022 12:01

Block him and move on, and develop better boundaries around drinking alcohol.
All he is offering you is a shag on the side when he can get away with. Aren’t you worth more than that?

cantbelieveheletmedown · 01/07/2022 12:01

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AnneLovesGilbert · 01/07/2022 12:02

You don’t need people telling you you’re horrible, that’s pointless. You need to stop seeing him, block him, stop seeing his lovely wife, find new friends.

Iamnotanowl · 01/07/2022 12:04

Pull up your boundaries and self respect. Read up on limerence and know the more you fall for him the harder it’ll be.
and messier.

He sounds like he has no shame - whereas you have plenty. That’s the difference between you two.

so just say “I am so sorry, I can’t do this to your wife and child” and block.

Good luck :)

Iamnotanowl · 01/07/2022 12:08

if you need a phrase to repeat in your head “don’t shit where you eat” is the one for you.

It is messy and if it continues your anxiety will get worse and worse. Every time you see him you'll feel panic. If you can stop it now then your anxiety will be minimal.

xx

arethereanyleftatall · 01/07/2022 12:10

You block him and don't have anything else to do with him. You should have done this about 2 months ago tbh, but that's past, so you can't.

Bibbetybobbity · 01/07/2022 12:11

… I agree with PP, and for goodness sake don’t romanticise it. See it for the sordid shag/fumble that it is, you’re not star-crossed lovers. He’s not valiantly trying to protect his wife in this. It’s grimy, he’s a shit.

jeffbezoz · 01/07/2022 12:12

Block and move on. It's completely unfair on the wife. Destroying for the child. And he'll never leave for you. If he does you'll be worried he'll cheat on YOU.....

Greensleeves · 01/07/2022 12:14

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What? The only physical contact between these two people occurred when she was far too drunk to consent - she doesn't even remember it. He's an opportunistic sleazebag who took advantage of her and is now harassing her.

OP block and ignore this bastard. He's not good for you, at all.

gingersplodgecat · 01/07/2022 12:14

Tell him that you are not interested in being used as his bit on the side.

lunar1 · 01/07/2022 12:17

Why don't you just block him on everything? Or is that not dramatic enough for you?

Gotmynewshoes · 01/07/2022 12:24

I'd want to know if I was his wife. I like to make informed decisions about my own life, as I'm sure you do.

He obviously planned it as he was the one that got you blackout drunk. Maybe even in your delirious state you managed to tell him to eff off when he tried it on so his regrets are that he couldnt bring himself to be an overt rapist. But he clearly planned it. And will again, with you or someone else.

CataTonic58 · 01/07/2022 12:27

You know he just wants novelty sex with you. You have zero to gain from him so if I was in your position I would just delete and block. Does the wife deserve to know the truth? Absolutely she does but I don't think I could bring myself to tell her if I were you. It is so incredibly upsetting.

Itstimetoquit · 01/07/2022 12:31

Block him x

Minimalme · 01/07/2022 12:39

Start by being really honest with yourself - you 100% knew there was a shared attraction from the start. Two female friends wouldn't start talking to each other every day, especially not where one has a spouse and child.

Then block him. Cut off the life supply to this affair..

You are not a band person but you would be to carry this on.

Bluecraze · 01/07/2022 12:41

From someone who was once the other woman, run for the hills! Lives and families will be destroyed.

if he loves you that much wait until he’s single and date like normal single people, you may fine you’re not be compatible after all.

gingersplodgecat · 01/07/2022 12:47

he says he has feelings for me

That's not his brain talking, it's another part of his anatomy.

boopdeflouff · 01/07/2022 12:49

Please listen to your head and stop all contact. It's simply not appropriate.

MummyTo2Monsters · 01/07/2022 12:50

OP you are human, you were in a bad place and he got you drunk and took advantage of that. Says a lot about the kind of person he is. Men like that won't leave their wives, they want a good wife at home and a little fun on the side. I'm sorry to say but you are his 'fun'.
He is luring you in by being all sweet and telling you how bad he wants you but also giving you the heads up that he has a good life and won't leave his family, so he is basically asking you to be his dirty little secret. What an ass!

Do not tell his wife, she might take it as you trying to break up the marriage coz you want him for yourself.

You cannot change what happened, just move forward and forget about him, I would be totally pissed at him actually and I would tell him off!! This is on him, the fact that you feel guilty says that you know it was wrong and it should not be repeated as it could only go beyond the point of no return.

Chedderbites2 · 01/07/2022 12:57

Hi OP in my opinion if this guy says he has feelings for you and is comfortable kissing you and presumably moving things further then he either needs to tell his wife before it goes any further to prove it and become a single man. The problem is i dont think he will or he will make broken promises of i cant right now its a tough time or i will soon etc. Thats not good enough you and her are both worth more than that if he doesnt love his wife anymore or want to be with her he needs to put her out of her misery so she can be happy. If hes happily pursuing you he could go on to happily keep on persuing other people too all whilst married. If he stays in his marriage then i probably would tell her but i believe us girls need to stick together. For now though this daily contact needs to stop and you need to stop seeing him.

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