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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Affair? Advice I don’t know what to do

64 replies

Greenlace27 · 01/07/2022 11:44

Can I start by saying I know how awful this is, or seems to me and I feel so guilty and torn up.

So for the last few months me and another man have been talking everyday but it was very friendly, was never any indication it was anything more than 2 friends and never would be as he is happily married. My own relationship broke down last year and I just enjoyed having someone to talk to but in my head I thought this was just friendly conversation. Maybe I was denying how I felt because I knew it was pointless but I don’t know.
Then last week a big group of us went out for drinks and he bought me drinks all night and I was incredibly drunk, he walked me home and we kissed and apparently more happened (I don’t remember, he does) but we didn’t go too far.
Now I realise I think I did have feelings for him and he says he has feelings for me, I realise this is an awful situation as his wife is a good person and lovely and I cannot be in this position with him.
So, I am trying to move passed it but now he keeps messaging saying how much he wishes we had gone for it and how much he wishes he could be with me, which pulls me back in and I feel awful, then says but nothing can happen as his life is good.
Now what I need advice on is what do I do? I feel like if I was his wife I’d want to know but I don’t want to tell her and ruin his life as they have a child too. I just feel so torn up, I can’t eat or sleep from the guilt of what happened and how I feel. I don’t know how to move forward.
Any advice or even just calling me a horrible person would be appreciated. Thanks.

OP posts:

LadyKenya · 01/07/2022 16:36

So you work together do you? I think that you should stick with "I'd rather 100% not tell his wife" if I were you.

Tractorcrisis · 01/07/2022 16:46

Big alarm bells here. You were drunk, and ‘things happened’ - and you can’t remember. If he was a decent person he should NOT have taken advantage of a situation and let ‘things happen’. And then another massive alarm bell is that he has a wife and child - he is cheating and deceiving BOTH these people who love, trust and depend on him.

At work make your interactions curt and professional - otherwise stay well away or he will drag you down to his level and take full advantage of you.

wellhelloitsme · 01/07/2022 17:22

Greenlace27 · 01/07/2022 16:31

thanks everyone, I should have mentioned we work together so avoiding him entirely is not possible and I accept full responsibility for my part in this mess. I do not want a relationship, I just want to move forward in the right way.

I’d 100% rather not tell his wife, I just personally felt if it was me I’d want to know if my husband was doing this but not everyone feels that way, so it’s not a risk I want to take.

Literally don't speak to him unless it's about work matters and is absolutely necessary.

He's not only a cheat, he's predatory if you were very drunk to the point of not knowing what happened sexually and he says sexual stuff happened.

So do not speak to him at all unless it's about work matters and completely necessary.

There's no need to speak to him ever again about anything non work related.

Is he your senior at work?

Original poster

Greenlace27 · 01/07/2022 17:32

No, we just work in the same place. It’s not essential that we work together often thankfully.

OP posts:

wellhelloitsme · 01/07/2022 17:46

In that case, can you not just commit to yourself that you won't ever speak to him unless there's a completely necessary work reason?

Are you finding it hard to cut ties? If so I really think that as well as seeing that he's a sleazy married cheat, you need to ask yourself what kind of man wants to have sexual contact with a woman who is so drunk she has no memory of what they've done the next day.

Not nice men. Not anywhere close. Even if he was single that would be predatory.

He's not someone you should want in your life at all. He was never your friend, he was hoping to get what he wanted from you behind his wife's back.

SkeletonFight · 01/07/2022 18:35

Do you really believe what he is telling you? He is just buttering you up to get an extra marital shag , a bit of fun. Just block him.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/07/2022 18:39

He's a fucking predatory creep, op. He's no friend. Take your blinders off and get this man out of your life.

Staynow · 01/07/2022 19:01

Tell him that you feel terrible for his wife and that he is not to contact you again or you will tell her. You need to be clear or he will keep harassing you.

Oceanus · 01/07/2022 19:36

OP, that kind of sucks, there's no other way to put it! Be civil but don't open the door to more private conversations. At first just try to dodge him, if he insists, tell him you've met sb and you're been on a few dates.

Catlover1970 · 01/07/2022 20:49

Think how you would feel. You knew he was married. Have some self respect

User1406 · 01/07/2022 22:16

You're not a horrible person, just very naive in this case.

Walk away from it, don't interact with him further. He won't leave his wife and it'll just turn into a full-blown affair. Get out of there before more damage is done.

If I was his wife, I'd want to know. However, it's going to stir up a lot of drama for everyone including yourself so if I were you, I'd just have a clean break and get on with your life away from them.

user1471517095 · 01/07/2022 23:22

Despite what some posters seem to think, you're not innocent in all this just because you're a woman. You knew he was married. Walk away now.

booboo24 · 02/07/2022 08:43

If you feel as awful as you say you do then it shouldn't be too hard to tell him enough's enough and stick to it. Only reply when necessary for work. He'll stop eventually, you're just a bit of a fantasy to him, but he has the power to do real damage to you, to say nothin about the damage this will do to his poor wife and child.

You're not a horrible person.......YET, don't become one, this is all in your hands now

Takeitonthechin · 02/07/2022 11:57

OP, you must've known you had feelings for him before you kissed etc! And from reading your post he's made it clear he doesn't want a 'legitimate' relationship with you, he only wants sex. Is this what you want? If not, I would suggest you tell him this cannot continue because you both went too far and the block him and have no contact.

Put yourself in his wife's shoes, if this were you, would you like this doing to you?

Spare yourself the heartache .... no good can come if this.

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