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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair? Advice I don’t know what to do

64 replies

Greenlace27 · 01/07/2022 11:44

Can I start by saying I know how awful this is, or seems to me and I feel so guilty and torn up.

So for the last few months me and another man have been talking everyday but it was very friendly, was never any indication it was anything more than 2 friends and never would be as he is happily married. My own relationship broke down last year and I just enjoyed having someone to talk to but in my head I thought this was just friendly conversation. Maybe I was denying how I felt because I knew it was pointless but I don’t know.
Then last week a big group of us went out for drinks and he bought me drinks all night and I was incredibly drunk, he walked me home and we kissed and apparently more happened (I don’t remember, he does) but we didn’t go too far.
Now I realise I think I did have feelings for him and he says he has feelings for me, I realise this is an awful situation as his wife is a good person and lovely and I cannot be in this position with him.
So, I am trying to move passed it but now he keeps messaging saying how much he wishes we had gone for it and how much he wishes he could be with me, which pulls me back in and I feel awful, then says but nothing can happen as his life is good.
Now what I need advice on is what do I do? I feel like if I was his wife I’d want to know but I don’t want to tell her and ruin his life as they have a child too. I just feel so torn up, I can’t eat or sleep from the guilt of what happened and how I feel. I don’t know how to move forward.
Any advice or even just calling me a horrible person would be appreciated. Thanks.

OP posts:
GreyTS · 01/07/2022 12:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I'm so sorry that all that happened to you but for your own sake you might want to try to move on. Pouring out bile on other people will not help you heal, she is not responsible for your pain. Get some help and find some peace

sleepymum50 · 01/07/2022 13:04

So your feeling torn up because you were chatting to him everyday, and then got very drunk and something happened which you can’t remember. You were single at the time.

He was also chatting to you everyday, also got drunk? And something happened which he can remember, and now he seems to want to continue his relationship with you in spite of the wife and child.

Being a suspicious person, it is quite possible he was only chatting with you everyday because he fancied you and not because you were such good mates. It is also possible that he deliberately got you drunk (you said he was buying you drinks all night). It is very possible that he took advantage of you because you were drunk and therefore unable to consent. He now appears to have no guilt about it whereas you feel awful about it.

If any of that is true, then he is way more responsible than you for what happened.

I agree that you should block, drop this sleazeball as far and as fast as possible.

As for the wife, I think it’s possible that she could put 2 and 2 together. You and her husband were really good mates, spent an evening drinking together and now you won’t touch him with a barge pole. I would make it clear to all and sundry that you are no longer talking to him.

That way, you let the wife know, without telling her yourself.

Renniesfixeverything · 01/07/2022 13:07

I'm usually in the 'wife has a right to know' camp and generally think cheating is abhorrent on all sides but I actually think you've been sucked in and taken advantage of in this case and you should do what best protects you. Which is obviously block him, stay right away from him physically/socially and focus on repairing the damage this situation has caused you psychologically.

I'm not saying you're blameless but I do think he's exploited a weakness in your defence against arseholes and any further contact/involvement (including contacting his wife) will just leave you open to more damage. Guilt is a pointless, self defeating emotion unless you use it to make positive changes and the best way to do that now is by examining why you allowed yourself to get sucked in and how you can make sure you demand better for yourself in future.

Hesheweeshe · 01/07/2022 13:08

Tell him if he genuinely means any part of what he is saying then to leave his wife and you will then entertain his advances but whilst he remains married you do not want to hear any of it. And advise him if he's decided leaving his wife isn't an option and continues to send you messages talking of going further or attempting to engage in further inappropriate behaviour you will forward those onto his wife so she can decide if she wants to actually continue being married to him. people can make mistakes in the heat of the moment and those people will attempt to right those wrongs. He's enjoying getting off on his flirting with you .... because he can. The moment you expose that you won't see him for dust and most likely he will convince his wife it was you hitting on him = you are the bad one in it!

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 01/07/2022 13:15

Crikeyalmighty · 01/07/2022 11:49

You are not remotely horrible but a prime example of many women on here being very naive about 'some' male friends motives for friendship . And I say 'some' as it definitely isn't all men. Just blank him OP- he's a disloyal shit who took advantage of you.

I agree, men wait around for yrs just on-off chance for sex.
Men who have affairs are in it for the sex and ego boost.
Most will not leave their wives.

Topgub · 01/07/2022 13:17

A) he's married

B) he deliberately got you drunk and then took advantage of you when you couldn't consent.

He's an absolute dickhead.

Run far away.

Honeyroar · 01/07/2022 13:17

Renniesfixeverything · 01/07/2022 13:07

I'm usually in the 'wife has a right to know' camp and generally think cheating is abhorrent on all sides but I actually think you've been sucked in and taken advantage of in this case and you should do what best protects you. Which is obviously block him, stay right away from him physically/socially and focus on repairing the damage this situation has caused you psychologically.

I'm not saying you're blameless but I do think he's exploited a weakness in your defence against arseholes and any further contact/involvement (including contacting his wife) will just leave you open to more damage. Guilt is a pointless, self defeating emotion unless you use it to make positive changes and the best way to do that now is by examining why you allowed yourself to get sucked in and how you can make sure you demand better for yourself in future.

I agree with you on this. I would usually say tell the wife, but I don’t think there is enough to tell her for now, other than she’s married to a sleazy man. If you stepped away from all this now you can still hold your head up. Tell him you don’t feel good about what happened and you don’t want anymore messages or contact apart from at work. I’d also tell him to either do some work on his marriage, as how he’s behaving now is pretty low. Then leave him to it.

Piffle11 · 01/07/2022 13:20

He wishes he could be with you… But he can be with you: he could leave his wife and be with you openly. But he doesn't want to do that, does he? He wants you to be his bit on the side. Block him and move on.

Oceanus · 01/07/2022 13:21

You're not a horrible person, you're human. Don't tell the wife and don't put yourself in a position where you'll be in close quarters with him. Just avoid him. I don't classify kissing sb as having an affair. If anyone should feel bad, it's him, getting you drunk and backing you into a corner. You didn't have an affair, nor will you, because he's not a nice person and that should be enough to put you off. He's the wife's problem, not yours, don't let him come into your life though or he will be your problem. Stop texting him, just block him and don't dwell on it anymore.

LadyKenya · 01/07/2022 13:31

Gotmynewshoes · 01/07/2022 12:24

I'd want to know if I was his wife. I like to make informed decisions about my own life, as I'm sure you do.

He obviously planned it as he was the one that got you blackout drunk. Maybe even in your delirious state you managed to tell him to eff off when he tried it on so his regrets are that he couldnt bring himself to be an overt rapist. But he clearly planned it. And will again, with you or someone else.

Did the Op have no choice about how much alcohol she consumed then? There is nothing to gain by telling his wife.

Didimum · 01/07/2022 13:40

You need to realise that this guy is absolute low life scum for doing this to his wife and child. What more of a turn off do you need?

Oceanus · 01/07/2022 13:42

OP, don't be sucked into a guilt trip! Some of these comments sound like they were made by previously scorned women! Ignore all the people telling you you're a horrible person and implying this was your fault. It was not your fault. He plied you with booze, he knew exactly what he was doing and you're very naive to think he didn't plan it.
If this guy were in my group of friends, I'd be very very tempted, not to tell the wife, but to tell all the other females to be careful with him and not to go anywhere alone with him. Deliberately getting sb drunk is a serious thing imho and could potentially be a stepping stone to bigger and bolder things.

LadyKenya · 01/07/2022 13:49

In answer to your question Op, there is no point feeling guilty, just know that you are not obliged to drink more than you want too, just because someone is buying it for you.

NahNoWay · 01/07/2022 13:51

He married and he 'went further than you can remember' whilst you were drunk.

What a catch 🙄

GoodThinkingMax · 01/07/2022 13:52

You just say No to yourself, and disconnect from him. You don't tell his wife. You don't confront him. You act as if he does not exist & you do not know him. You need to cut the addiction & the excitement. Stop the drama. Do something else to take your mind off things.

It's tough but unless you want to become "that woman" it's what you need to do.

No-one here is going to indulge you in anything else.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/07/2022 13:56

He is acting like a bit of a predator buying you drinks all night then walking you home and kissing you when you were quite drunk. That all sounds quite deliberate and planned on his part, but like something that 'just happened' on your part. And wishing it had gone further...with someone who was very drunk. You come across as maybe a bit naive from your post but he is coming across very badly.

What you do from here is tell him that it shouldn't have happened and that a bit of space is probably best for all concerned.

I wouldn't tell his wife unless you want things twisted around and him telling everyone that you came on to him etc and have everyone talking about you...just move on

Blowthemandown · 01/07/2022 14:09

Please do a pregnancy test if you are not on the pill. You may have made some poor choices that night but he’s the one who cheated - look after yourself and don’t beat yourself up or listen to the insults. Cut him off (gently) as he has a family he should be loyal to. You clearly have a conscience. Be strong OP!

Oceanus · 01/07/2022 14:10

@cantbelieveheletmedown I reported your post. It's a pointless personal attack that serves no purpose other than to let you vent and tell this OP what you wish you had told the people who wronged you. What happened to you was bad but it's not this OP's fault. Go to therapy and move on. Good luck to you.

AtrociousCircumstance · 01/07/2022 14:13

He’s told you he won’t leave his wife, but he really wants to have sex with you.

He deliberately got you as drunk as possible in order to push past your boundaries. Detestable.

OP do not get sucked into this shitty drama by this immoral piece of shit.

CanYouNotReadTheSign · 01/07/2022 14:18

I'll bet my life you're not the only female "friend" he wants to take advantage of. Make it clear you don't want to be mistress and cut all contact.

EinsteinaGogo · 01/07/2022 14:23

OP

This is massively worrying.

A man has had sexual contact with you that you can't remember.

Please please think about that.

At the very very least, do you really want any sort of relationship at all with someone who would take advantage of someone vulnerable?

At the very worst, how could you have consented to anything if you can remember?

He's hardly a prince, is he?

Onthedunes · 01/07/2022 14:27

So he's the predator and you're the victim, who was feeling vunerable.

No, both of you knew entirely what you were doing.
Both of you shoud own your horrible action towards the mug of a wife.

I'm affraid whatever comes of this, it seems a bit late now for remorse. Maybe his wife knows, maybe his children know, wives very rarely don't know when their other halves have been persuing another woman.

If you're lucky, she may be of sound mind but really you have potentially put yourself in harms way for this man.

I hope the ego thrill and support was worth it.
Poor behaviour from both of you.

Do you actually want him, or did you just want to know you could have him ?

By the way he has used you his comment saying nothing can happen as his life is happy, means he just wants the occasional shag and some pretend romantic drivel.

Junipercrumble · 01/07/2022 14:29

Why is everyone advising not to tell the wife? Her husband is a sleazeball who has propositioned another woman for a shag!
I'm quite sure the completely innocent wife deserves to know what her disgusting husband is up to behind her back?
Why should the wife be kept in the dark?
The husband has revealed himself to be a dirty cheating arsehole who doesnt think the rules of consent apply to him and yet people think his wife shouldnt be made aware?

Mysteriousnotice · 01/07/2022 15:59

Predatory behaviour on his part.
I assume you aren't the first and wont be the last.
Its the same old story.
Block and prioritise yourself

Original poster
Greenlace27 · 01/07/2022 16:31

thanks everyone, I should have mentioned we work together so avoiding him entirely is not possible and I accept full responsibility for my part in this mess. I do not want a relationship, I just want to move forward in the right way.

I’d 100% rather not tell his wife, I just personally felt if it was me I’d want to know if my husband was doing this but not everyone feels that way, so it’s not a risk I want to take.

OP posts:
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