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Original poster

Friend overstepping the mark with boyfriend - an update...

76 replies

AnotherDayAnotherDickhead · 01/07/2022 07:00

I posted earlier this year about a mutual 'friend' of mine and my boyfriend's overstepping the mark with him.

Brief precis...

Friendship group of around 14/15. I got together with one of the men several months ago. Bit of harmless flirty banter between many in the group played for laughs, no problems.

One of the women, who had initially said she didn't like me because she saw me as a threat to her position in the group, started properly flirting with him earlier this year - gazing at him adoringly; constantly seeking him out and touching/stroking him; inserting herself into 'injokes' between us; running across the room to pick something up he'd dropped; seeking his approval; all whilst ignoring me; making snidey comments to and in front of me; and sending him unnecessary messages privately (pertaining to things we were talking about in a group chat) littered with xxx, ❤, 😘 and 🥰

It was noticed by others. One of the other men commented to him that he thought she had a bit of a crush on him. Ultimately, he and I didn't think that was the case but saw it as a power play. He was shocked and cross that my friend was seeking to make feel uncomfortable and upset me and using him to do so. And baffled that she would want to. He thought she was probably threatened by me given what she'd said about not liking me initially.

He stopped anything that could be seen as encouraging her. Moved away if she came over to him; stepped away if she touched him; stopped putting an x at the end of messages if he responded to her. Generally, he just put some distance in place.

He hoped that saying something to her directly wouldn't be necessary and that she'd just take the hint. Which, to he fair to him, worked. It's now been weeks since she did anything that's made either of us 🙄 and her messages have decreased in frequency and 🥰😘❤

I pretty much stopped engaging with her at all - I'm not rude but I don't seek her out to chat, don't go out of way to be friendly. If she talks to me, I'm appropriately civil in my responses but no more.

Anyway, as predicted by people on here, she changed her tack. I wondered if she would up the ante, some.posters felt she would try to be friendly with me again. The latter is what has happened.

She's messaged me a few times to ask how I am and is being 'friendly' towards me again.

I'm not interested but it is beginning to make things awkward because I have absolutely no interest in spending any time with her beyond the essential so I've pulled out of a few social things so that I don't have to engage with her at all. I don't have any issue with him still attending because I know he's behaving appropriately and consistently. Although I've noticed that he often suggests we do something else instead together.

Anyway, the reason I'm posting is that she confronted me the other evening, not aggressively, but to ask if everything was alright between us because I seemed off with her and had, apparently, walked right past her and completely ignored her. She caught me off guard because I wasn't feeling great so I just said things were fine and I wasn't feeling well and left.

But that's not true.

Now I'm wondering if I should actually be honest with her...

OP posts:
SickKid · 01/07/2022 07:06

Easier said than done, but just be bright and breezy at all times. You know the saying, keep your friends close... its fake but as things stand she's seeing (or hoping) she's getting to you. So be really friendly and cheerful whenever you need to interact with her but keep your guard up. Such a pain that one person can spoil groups like she is trying to.

Girlintheframe · 01/07/2022 07:10

She knows why you aren't engaging with her. This is just a play to engage in more drama and pull you into it.
Carry on as you are, be civil but nothing else. She will hopefully get bored soon.
If you engage and tell her why your upset with her your just feeding into her crazy narrative and giving her the satisfaction that she has managed to upset you.

Teaandtoastedbiscuits · 01/07/2022 07:20

No don't tell her. She will only dramatise it to her own benefit. She knows herself what the story is. Don't give her the chance to turn it on you. She's only seeing a problem now that he wants nothing to do with her. Saying nothing makes her even less important

Original poster
AnotherDayAnotherDickhead · 01/07/2022 07:21

Thanks. Tbh, I wasn't going to indicate she'd upset me or either of us.

If I said anything, I was just going to keep it brief and say something like...

Tbh, we've all noticed that you'd been flirting with <my boyfriend> X thinks you've got a bit of a crush on him but we don't agree. <My boyfriend> decided he just wasn't going to do anything that could be seen as encouraging and hoped you'd take the hint that it was unwelcome and I decided that someone who behaved like that wasn't actually my friend🤷🏻‍♀️

I am 'friendly' with her - I don't ignore her if she speaks with me and I'll chat with her if I'm in a small group with her. But I don't seek her out for conversation or suggest we go out on our own like I used to.

But you're right, she's not an idiot and she knows exactly why it is. And recognises the distance he's put in place because she no longer tries with him. At least, not when I'm around. I trust him to respond appropriately if she does though. There are still hello/goodbye hugs all round but that happens with everyone.

OP posts:
Tiny2018 · 01/07/2022 07:26

Well doesn't she sound like a wally 😂

hellmannsnotheinz · 01/07/2022 07:26

AnotherDayAnotherDickhead · 01/07/2022 07:21

Thanks. Tbh, I wasn't going to indicate she'd upset me or either of us.

If I said anything, I was just going to keep it brief and say something like...

Tbh, we've all noticed that you'd been flirting with <my boyfriend> X thinks you've got a bit of a crush on him but we don't agree. <My boyfriend> decided he just wasn't going to do anything that could be seen as encouraging and hoped you'd take the hint that it was unwelcome and I decided that someone who behaved like that wasn't actually my friend🤷🏻‍♀️

I am 'friendly' with her - I don't ignore her if she speaks with me and I'll chat with her if I'm in a small group with her. But I don't seek her out for conversation or suggest we go out on our own like I used to.

But you're right, she's not an idiot and she knows exactly why it is. And recognises the distance he's put in place because she no longer tries with him. At least, not when I'm around. I trust him to respond appropriately if she does though. There are still hello/goodbye hugs all round but that happens with everyone.

I wouldn't say anything at all op. She knows full well why you are like that and wants you to say so that she can deny it and tell everyone how unreasonable you are being.

Keep your head up, if you have to see her, just do the bare minimum of civil/polite and let her stew on it

YouAreNotBatman · 01/07/2022 07:33

I think you’re being bit of dick now.
She stopped, got the message.
I’m sure your bf is nice, but it’s unlikely that his that amazing.
You don’t have to become besties, but be friendly.

Original poster
AnotherDayAnotherDickhead · 01/07/2022 07:36

Yes, you're right.

I think I just wondered if, by saying something she might realise that it actually isn't just me and that others had noticed and thought she was being ridiculous too.

She's said to me before that she's been just dropped by female friends and she doesn't understand why and it upsets her. I'm not surprised if this is how she always behaves!

Also thanks because there is a bit of a get together arranged for tomorrow. My boyfriend asked if I wanted to go before agreeing to it- I know he wouldn't go if I didn't want to because we'd planned to spend the day together - and I also know he wants to go so I agreed but I had been thinking of saying I wasn't up for it after all but he should go and enjoy himself. He would because he's agreed but he would also be a bit sad that I wasn't going to be there.

Initially, I felt on high alert watching for things she might do and knowing she was going to do something. I don't feel like that anymore, I just don't have any desire to see her or socialise with her!

OP posts:
Original poster
AnotherDayAnotherDickhead · 01/07/2022 07:39

YouAreNotBatman · 01/07/2022 07:33

I think you’re being bit of dick now.
She stopped, got the message.
I’m sure your bf is nice, but it’s unlikely that his that amazing.
You don’t have to become besties, but be friendly.

A bit of a dick because I don't particularly want to be around someone I don't like?

or a bit of a dick because she asked me if we are OK and they're not because of her behaviour and I wasn't sure whether to be honest?

OK...

OP posts:
Kellykukoo · 01/07/2022 07:42

@YouAreNotBatman go find another thread to crawl under. The OP is definitely not being 'a bit of a dick'. How unpleasant are you being? She also doesn't owe it to anyone to be friendly.

PearPickingPorky · 01/07/2022 07:42

I think telling her the truth is giving her more credit that is worth it. Saying "you're flirting with my boyfriend" can sound possessive, and she'll use it that way when she denies it and tells people, and then she'll either respond in the "ewww no, I'd NEVER fancy him, not my type, you're just insecure" or some other way that is expected to wrongfoot you.

You've both put boundaries in place with her that keep her and her shit stirring at an appropriate distance.

Easilystartled · 01/07/2022 07:44

YouAreNotBatman · 01/07/2022 07:33

I think you’re being bit of dick now.
She stopped, got the message.
I’m sure your bf is nice, but it’s unlikely that his that amazing.
You don’t have to become besties, but be friendly.

She’s not being a dick! For goodness sake!
op, definitely don’t say anything. Absolutely carry on as normal. Be averagely friendly with her, as much as it suits you so that you don’t miss out on any social things. Her being friendly and asking is a ploy. Without a doubt. Don’t let her stir up problems!

GoodHearted · 01/07/2022 07:46

Not the point but... I love your username 🤣

BBQBoke · 01/07/2022 07:56

Is this the lady that was going to dress sexil for your OH when you all went on a holiday together?

I don't thi k you should say anything to her either. Be calm an breezy as she knows exactly why you, and all the other women before, can't stand her. She'd probably feel pleased with herself to think you an OH were giving her any headspace.

Luredbyapomegranate · 01/07/2022 08:00

She knows why, she’s just a nutter

Ignore her beyond basic politeness. It might be uncomfortable at times, but it’s a good skill in life to be able to live with a bit of discomfort.

I’m assuming you are all v young, but if you are over 25 I would really reconsider your friendship choices.

Original poster
AnotherDayAnotherDickhead · 01/07/2022 08:04

PearPickingPorky · 01/07/2022 07:42

I think telling her the truth is giving her more credit that is worth it. Saying "you're flirting with my boyfriend" can sound possessive, and she'll use it that way when she denies it and tells people, and then she'll either respond in the "ewww no, I'd NEVER fancy him, not my type, you're just insecure" or some other way that is expected to wrongfoot you.

You've both put boundaries in place with her that keep her and her shit stirring at an appropriate distance.

I'd obviously have used his name and not referred to him as 'my' anything 😉

She took umbridge because she'd sent him a completely unnecessary message several weeks ago that he showed me because he felt she was seeking approval and compliments from him. He said it would be better if I replied given it was something she and I had already discussed prior to all this and he knew about it. So I did. She ignored me for a while but that seemed to be the trigger to stopping it - when she realised that he and I were actually a united front and this wasn't some mutual secret flirtation that was happening behind my back. It was after that when she started being super friendly towards me again.

We both know she doesn't actually fancy him. It seemed to be more about her trying to (re)assert her position as the most desirable woman in the group and wanting to feel/have me think that she could have him if she wanted.

Many of the couples in the group are long established and, when we got together, I found the change in dynamic a bit difficult to get used to at first. I mentioned it to her in passing and her response was along the lines of, "Oh, you've nothing to worry about, I wouldn't do anything because I'm your friend". He was pissed off by that. I wasn't even referring to her! So she does know...

I'll continue to be 'friendly' but not 'friends' and not say anything.

OP posts:
cocktailclub · 01/07/2022 08:04

I have experienced this flirting / power play from someone I considered a good friend. I never said anything direct as I thought it would play straight in to the need for her to be the centre of everything. My partner did make sure there were fewer opportunities for the touching and intimate conversations etc which seemed to work for a while although we are both aware it could start again

Original poster
AnotherDayAnotherDickhead · 01/07/2022 08:06

Luredbyapomegranate · 01/07/2022 08:00

She knows why, she’s just a nutter

Ignore her beyond basic politeness. It might be uncomfortable at times, but it’s a good skill in life to be able to live with a bit of discomfort.

I’m assuming you are all v young, but if you are over 25 I would really reconsider your friendship choices.

Sadly not in our 20s...

And I'm far too old to be dealing with the kind of shit I didn't have to deal with in my 20s!

She's 53.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnotherDayAnotherDickhead · 01/07/2022 08:09

cocktailclub · 01/07/2022 08:04

I have experienced this flirting / power play from someone I considered a good friend. I never said anything direct as I thought it would play straight in to the need for her to be the centre of everything. My partner did make sure there were fewer opportunities for the touching and intimate conversations etc which seemed to work for a while although we are both aware it could start again

I think it's the awareness it could start again that is on both of our minds. We never talk about her, other than when it's been necessary, it's just not that important.

He doesn't know she spoke to me the other night.

Not enough time has passed yet and I think she's just changed her approach so that she feels she can start it up again.

That's the sad part, I did consider her to be a good friend. Clearly not! 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
YouAreNotBatman · 01/07/2022 08:09

@AnotherDayAnotherDickhead
Okey, why ask if you already made up your mind?
Get random people on MN to jump on this woman?

@Kellykukoo
What?
You need to relax and take a step back.

WhiskerPatrol · 01/07/2022 08:10

Definitely don't engage; she's trying to goad you into a confrontation and she'll twist anything you say to make you the bad guy and try to push you out of the group. Just be nice, vague, breezy. Look up the grey rock technique.

Original poster
AnotherDayAnotherDickhead · 01/07/2022 08:14

BBQBoke · 01/07/2022 07:56

Is this the lady that was going to dress sexil for your OH when you all went on a holiday together?

I don't thi k you should say anything to her either. Be calm an breezy as she knows exactly why you, and all the other women before, can't stand her. She'd probably feel pleased with herself to think you an OH were giving her any headspace.

Yes, it's her.

You won't be surprised to know that she didn't dress sexily that weekend after all.

She didn't know I was going until I arrived.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseGirls · 01/07/2022 08:15

If it comes up again, just say you were surprised with her being friendly after months/weeks (whatever appropriate) oc her ignoring you/ being off with you. If she denies, say other noticed too and were wondering if all’s well between you.

Original poster
AnotherDayAnotherDickhead · 01/07/2022 08:16

YouAreNotBatman · 01/07/2022 08:09

@AnotherDayAnotherDickhead
Okey, why ask if you already made up your mind?
Get random people on MN to jump on this woman?

@Kellykukoo
What?
You need to relax and take a step back.

Well I hadn't made up my mind 🤷🏻‍♀️

I wasn't sure whether to say anything. Thought I probably would. Now I don't think I will. HTH...

OP posts:
Original poster
AnotherDayAnotherDickhead · 01/07/2022 08:20

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 01/07/2022 08:15

If it comes up again, just say you were surprised with her being friendly after months/weeks (whatever appropriate) oc her ignoring you/ being off with you. If she denies, say other noticed too and were wondering if all’s well between you.

That would probably be reasonable if it came up again.

And would leave him out of it.

She was either actively ignoring me or being smiley and friendly towards me when he was around and cold and stony/snidey when he wasn't. Literally within the same conversation a couple of times when he was in and out of the room!

OP posts:
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