Friend overstepping the mark with boyfriend - an update...

[AnotherDayAnotherDickhead]

I posted earlier this year about a mutual 'friend' of mine and my boyfriend's overstepping the mark with him.

Brief precis...

Friendship group of around 14/15. I got together with one of the men several months ago. Bit of harmless flirty banter between many in the group played for laughs, no problems.

One of the women, who had initially said she didn't like me because she saw me as a threat to her position in the group, started properly flirting with him earlier this year - gazing at him adoringly; constantly seeking him out and touching/stroking him; inserting herself into 'injokes' between us; running across the room to pick something up he'd dropped; seeking his approval; all whilst ignoring me; making snidey comments to and in front of me; and sending him unnecessary messages privately (pertaining to things we were talking about in a group chat) littered with xxx, ❤, 😘 and 🥰

It was noticed by others. One of the other men commented to him that he thought she had a bit of a crush on him. Ultimately, he and I didn't think that was the case but saw it as a power play. He was shocked and cross that my friend was seeking to make feel uncomfortable and upset me and using him to do so. And baffled that she would want to. He thought she was probably threatened by me given what she'd said about not liking me initially.

He stopped anything that could be seen as encouraging her. Moved away if she came over to him; stepped away if she touched him; stopped putting an x at the end of messages if he responded to her. Generally, he just put some distance in place.

He hoped that saying something to her directly wouldn't be necessary and that she'd just take the hint. Which, to he fair to him, worked. It's now been weeks since she did anything that's made either of us 🙄 and her messages have decreased in frequency and 🥰😘❤

I pretty much stopped engaging with her at all - I'm not rude but I don't seek her out to chat, don't go out of way to be friendly. If she talks to me, I'm appropriately civil in my responses but no more.

Anyway, as predicted by people on here, she changed her tack. I wondered if she would up the ante, some.posters felt she would try to be friendly with me again. The latter is what has happened.

She's messaged me a few times to ask how I am and is being 'friendly' towards me again.

I'm not interested but it is beginning to make things awkward because I have absolutely no interest in spending any time with her beyond the essential so I've pulled out of a few social things so that I don't have to engage with her at all. I don't have any issue with him still attending because I know he's behaving appropriately and consistently. Although I've noticed that he often suggests we do something else instead together.

Anyway, the reason I'm posting is that she confronted me the other evening, not aggressively, but to ask if everything was alright between us because I seemed off with her and had, apparently, walked right past her and completely ignored her. She caught me off guard because I wasn't feeling great so I just said things were fine and I wasn't feeling well and left.

But that's not true.

Now I'm wondering if I should actually be honest with her...

I would just keep all conversations with her at finger-tip distance and just as light and airy as possible.

Her - Is everything was alright between us because you seemed off with me, and walked right past me and completely ignored me?
You - Well, I wasn't feeling great so I wasn't feeling well and left.
Her - Ok. I hope you're feeling better now.
You - Yes thanks. I have to go. Things to do, people to see, you know...<laugh>
Her - Ok. See you again soon
You - Bye for now.

Surely that's how the conversation went? If it was something else, and she was more probing in her responses to you, then we can only go on what you've put in your posts.

She is coming across as someone lonely and looking for friendships but making a complete cat's pyjamas of going about it all the wrong way. She seems like she doesn't 'get' how inappropriate some of what she is saying/doing is coming across but keeps going nonetheless.

This is just another attempt at shit stirring. As was the flirting - I agree she almost certainly doesn’t fancy your BF, it’s just another way of trying to needle you. And now that isn’t working, she is trying the “why are you being so mean to me?” gambit - hoping you’ll say something and she can create drama out of that.

Grey rock is the best approach. You are great friends with her, no issue at all, but unfortunately terribly terribly busy, all. the. time. Oh hang on, you really need to talk to that person over there about something urgent.

Either that or go down the Mean Girls “why are you so obsessed with me?!” route 🤣
Which in this case would be the concern troll, “are you ok hun? Everyone is really worried about you, you seem really paranoid?” next time she starts up. That is definitely an escalation though.

She's FIFTY THREE?!!!!!

I assumed you were all mid twenties & not long out of uni!!

At that age I'm afraid it's just her personality. She's a dick and it's not changing.

I do agree that you have to play the game breezily, though. Don't bother confronting her about the flirting in text or in person - it's over now, she'll get something out of knowing it got to you & will twist it to make you look like the bonkers one.

Just smile, OP! Smile and be polite and distant. Yes, she's a pain in the arse and I can see why you wouldn't want to socialise with her but she's just one person in a whole group and your DP wants you there.

Stop thinking of it as a huge deal, realise you won & go out and enjoy yourself. You're giving her too much control over your emotions, I think. She's irrelevant and hence not something to be considered, avoided or indulged.

She sounds dreadful. People like her crave attention and drama so definitely don't say anything to her, you'll be playing right into her hands and she'll go round badmouthing you and shit stirring.

Bright and breezy is the way - everything is fine, superficial conversation only, don't get drawn in.

Absolutely, don't say anything, if you give her nothing, nothing is what she can make of it.

More power play drama. She's pushing you to own up that her flirting with your DP rightly pissed you off, so she can gloat she got to you to make her toxic sad little ass feel better.

Don't tell her anything, but I'd suggest just saying " oh come on, we don't like each other, you've made that clear & due to how you are, I now agree we are not friend material for each other as i don't like you either & I'm perfectly fine with that. Let's 's not do the fake ass pretending & just avoid each other & be civil for others sakes

& I can't disagree more with keep your enemies close. Been there, done that & frenemies are really best just dumped, as they will be always be toxic & looking for ways to needle you

Keep your dignity. Be civil but not overly friendly. If she keeps playing stupid games your boyfriend is the one who needs to speak to her. Then she can't have any complaints or criticism against you.

"finger-tip distance and just as light and airy as possible." @LookItsMeAgain has described that perfectly.

I would disengage with her emotionally, and not feed in to any of her drama. She knows damn well why you've both pulled back. Keep your boundaries, stay civil and light, and don't feed the troll.

You all sound about 12.
Sorry.

I’m rather shocked the people involved in this are the age they are.

She wants to know she's got to you - it's another power play. Carry on as you have been.

Certainly don't send that original message idea. It basically says to her she has succeeded in dividing you and your partner.

I would be tempted to say 'I don't remain friends with people who think it's acceptable behaviour to flirt with their mates partners. Get some therapy. It's sad'.

But tbh it's probably not worth the hassle. Just delete and block her. If she reaches out in another way, delete and block her there too.

If she asks again, I'd give her a big warm smile and say reassuringly, Yes of course. Everythig is fine between us. Then carry on keeping your distance. You don't have to be best mates with her just because she is now trying similar tactics on you that she tried on him. She sounds exhausting.

I agree with grey rock.
In my experience this is all about her, not you or him. She's trying to make herself feel better and knowing she has impacted you will feed in to her neediness.
Best to be bright and breezy but don't give anything or yourself to the friendship. Don't let her see she has any influence on your life.

I’m rather shocked the people involved in this are the age they are

I'd love to say me too, but unfortunately the most toxic bitch I've ever befriended was in her 40s when she pulled similar shit on me... including making a strong pass at DH in our wedding day, "accidentally' dropping our wedding cake after insisting she carried it into the venue & much more.

She's in her 60s now & I hear she is still a nasty, bitter toxic bitch playing the same old games. Some people get very bitter about growing old, which is definitely her problem, though she is just toxic, but got worse when she became insecure that she was ageing

You should here some of the stories my almost 80 year old aunt tells me about all her church friends!

I think it gets worse as we get older as there is less men around. So some women get desperate!

Honesty it's all so cringeworthy! If someone is a drama Queen in their teens or twenties, they'll probably still be at it in their 70s!!

Chose your friends wisely people!!

*hear

I wouldn't confront her no, she'll just deny it and it will likely end up in a tearful drama fest.

That said, I'd stop ignoring her and being cold as it's likely this will create even more drama in the long term within your "friendship group". This kind of relationship/couple involved drama gets very tedious after a while, people will end up being forced to choose sides and I will guarantee they'll choose the single, upset one, not the two who are teamed up together holding a grudge, preventing everything from going smoothly. You know what she's like now. Be smiley and friendly but don't ever let your guard down.

It's really not mych much do with age and more to do with the amount of narcissists and similar about. It's textbook behaviour from them to flirt with your partner (or even just anyone they think you fancy). Not because because like the person, but because they view you as their competition and so, can't bare the idea that any man would like you more than he likes them.

It's not something they grow out of. And until you've had it happen to you, maybe you don't realise how damaging and headfucking it is to have someone you thought was a friend, try to take away someone you love. Ask yourself how 'maturely' you would respond to such a thing?

I always advise that any 'friend' who flirts with your crushes or partners is likely narcissistic in nature. And if they cannot destroy you this way in order to 'win' then they will look for other ways. So get them out of your life, ASAP and completely.

Yes, this.

She will shit stir to try to bolster her position now that she realises she's not getting anywhere with your partner. I doubt anyone in your friendship group would pay her much mind, but be aware that she'll be doing it. And probably talking about more interesting new things that you have or haven't done that you weren't aware of...

Grey rock Sis your friend here. Put her out of your mind too as that's just tiresome. When you see her, just be brief and polite. Nothing more. She'll soon get bored and likely move on to someone else. Unbelievable behaviour from someone in her 50s though 😬

I find it hard to believe anyone would come out and say this.

One of the women, who had initially said she didn't like me because she saw me as a threat to her position in the group,

I bet the old goat you're with head's so big it could explode to have 2 women fighting over him at his age.

I have to ask why is your bf messaging her at all? You mentioned he stopped putting x at the end of his messages. Why was he putting them in the first place?
I think you're placing far too much blame on this woman. Your boyfriend has been fanning the flames here. He could have easily shut it all down by not responding to her and blocking her but he hasn't.

His comments about other men noticing and saying she had a crush on him and of course he had to tell you that. I doubt any of the other men said anything to him at all.
Then mentioning she probably felt threatened by you and whey she said she initially didn't like you. All from his mouth too.

Does everyone else know that he's your boyfriend? Does he refer to you as his girlfriend in front of everyone?

I think your boyfriend enjoys the attention and encourages this drama.

Are there no other men to date?

Thanks for the replies. Tbh, I'm amazed I'm having to deal with it at our ages too!

Or I would have been if I hadn't had a 'friend' try a similar stunt a couple of years ago.

She didn't manage to divide us. He was completely on board and was pissed off. I didn't ask him to do anything and anything he has done to put distance in place has been of his own volition.

I haven't been pointedly ignoring her, just not seeking out her company as I had done previously. I'm still 'friendly' and civil towards her but nothing more.

And, to clarify, she's not single. She's been married for some time. He's really laid back and doesn't seem to pay her much attention and doesn't really mind what she does.

My boyfriend isn't the only man she crosses the line with- she used to previously tell me that one of the other guys was always flirting with her and obviously fancied her. He doesn't. And didn't. But she clearly needs to think that. It is about competing and, tbh, I can't really be arsed with it! But she certainly ramped it up once he and I got together.

I think your boyfriend enjoys the attention and encourages this drama.

Not sure where you've got this from! He's done anything but.

As far as he's concerned, he's not having anyone take the piss out of me; not having anyone try to come between us and not having anyone regard him as so easily manipulated.

He's handled it perfectly tbh.

He said if speaking to her became necessary then he would do but he would leave me out of it and just say that he didn't like it so she wouldn't think I was behind it but he hoped that she'd just take the hint. Which she has seemed to have done...

🤣 I mean, I'm loving your take on it... but you couldn't be further from the mark.