Friend overstepping the mark with boyfriend - an update...

[AnotherDayAnotherDickhead]

I posted earlier this year about a mutual 'friend' of mine and my boyfriend's overstepping the mark with him.

Brief precis...

Friendship group of around 14/15. I got together with one of the men several months ago. Bit of harmless flirty banter between many in the group played for laughs, no problems.

One of the women, who had initially said she didn't like me because she saw me as a threat to her position in the group, started properly flirting with him earlier this year - gazing at him adoringly; constantly seeking him out and touching/stroking him; inserting herself into 'injokes' between us; running across the room to pick something up he'd dropped; seeking his approval; all whilst ignoring me; making snidey comments to and in front of me; and sending him unnecessary messages privately (pertaining to things we were talking about in a group chat) littered with xxx, ❤, 😘 and 🥰

It was noticed by others. One of the other men commented to him that he thought she had a bit of a crush on him. Ultimately, he and I didn't think that was the case but saw it as a power play. He was shocked and cross that my friend was seeking to make feel uncomfortable and upset me and using him to do so. And baffled that she would want to. He thought she was probably threatened by me given what she'd said about not liking me initially.

He stopped anything that could be seen as encouraging her. Moved away if she came over to him; stepped away if she touched him; stopped putting an x at the end of messages if he responded to her. Generally, he just put some distance in place.

He hoped that saying something to her directly wouldn't be necessary and that she'd just take the hint. Which, to he fair to him, worked. It's now been weeks since she did anything that's made either of us 🙄 and her messages have decreased in frequency and 🥰😘❤

I pretty much stopped engaging with her at all - I'm not rude but I don't seek her out to chat, don't go out of way to be friendly. If she talks to me, I'm appropriately civil in my responses but no more.

Anyway, as predicted by people on here, she changed her tack. I wondered if she would up the ante, some.posters felt she would try to be friendly with me again. The latter is what has happened.

She's messaged me a few times to ask how I am and is being 'friendly' towards me again.

I'm not interested but it is beginning to make things awkward because I have absolutely no interest in spending any time with her beyond the essential so I've pulled out of a few social things so that I don't have to engage with her at all. I don't have any issue with him still attending because I know he's behaving appropriately and consistently. Although I've noticed that he often suggests we do something else instead together.

Anyway, the reason I'm posting is that she confronted me the other evening, not aggressively, but to ask if everything was alright between us because I seemed off with her and had, apparently, walked right past her and completely ignored her. She caught me off guard because I wasn't feeling great so I just said things were fine and I wasn't feeling well and left.

But that's not true.

Now I'm wondering if I should actually be honest with her...

Don't you message your friends? Don't you end your messages with a 'x'?

Bizarrely, it was the woman herself who told me she hadn't liked me initially. Apparently, she considered herself to be the 'catch' amongst the women who all the men would fancy until I came along. He had no idea. So, no, not from him. But he does think that she is trying to compete with me.

And he told me what this other man had said when I brought it up with him by means of showing me he believed me and he didn't think it was 'all in my head' or anything. And that it had been noticed.

His allegiance is solely with me in this.

The two of you seem to spend an awful lot of mental energy on this silliness. I'd be worried that we were Drama Bonding if I was in such a couple and would try to move our focus as a couple onto more important things than teenage type friendship group dramas.

I'm here hoping for more vague references to the hobby that you do. Like others though I think you should both stop giving her so much headspace, she seems to loom really large in your relationship.

of course you should be honest with her.

Also you should grow up.

His allegiance is solely with me in this.

It sounds like he's doing the right things - not encouraging her (the opposite in fact), and being open and honest with you about it. So long as you trust him you don't have anything to worry about in terms of threat from her.

But now you're actively avoiding her while he's carrying socialising with the group. Which sounds like you're starting to make drama out of the situation yourself, or at the very least cutting off you nose to spite your face. I'd be inclined to stop avoiding her, keep going to the group socials and just grey rock her.

I think that if you're honest with her and tell her you're avoiding her because she fancies and flirts with your bloke, she'll turn that around on you by totally denying and then start telling the rest of the group you're being paranoid. Sounds like that's exactly what she wants to happen, and could end up driving a wedge between you and all the others.

No. Don't spend any time talking about it.

I've already said that I haven't told him what she said this week.

She isn't talked about at all.

2 brief conversations - no more than 15 mins each and, other than the occasional reference to something new she has said or done just so the other I aware, nothing else. She takes up absolutely no headspace whatsoever.

Honestly, I think some people either massively project or just fill in the gaps themselves!

Couple headspace that is. We don't talk about her at all.

Totally disagree, doesn't matter that she's stopped, she still did it in the first place I wouldn't ever want to be friendly with someone like that, the OP is only around her because of her friendship group

Yeah, I've got to be friendly with her because of the group. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't have anything to do with her.

I think when you're in your 50s you just move on. She knows you're not happy with her. If she doesn't know why, then likely she doesn't know her behaviour was appropriate and you telling her, no matter if you're doing it to help her, isn't going to have a good outcome. Now it seems like both you and your boyfriend are cancelling social engagements but sure,carrying on as normal. Take your space and own it. Your boyfriend chose you, everyone else is laughing at her and you're still part of the group. How are you losing in any of this? You say you don't give her any headspace but that's really not how it reads. It sounds like you give her a lot of headspace - you even want to pull out of an event although you know it will upset your boyfriend to do so.
Seriously. Move on or it will start to sound like you're enjoying the drama.

She's trying to make you say something so she can twist it and say you are insecure and she is the victim.

Be bright and breezy is what I'd do. She will get bored eventually.

She sounds like a pathetic idiot.

I think I've had enough.

I did go out with them all on Saturday. I think she'd taken speaking to me as either everything is now OK between us or a reclaim of power in the situation. She was back to being a bit OTT with him. Not like she has been but still dominating his time and attention, gazing at him etc and he didn't really stop it. He didn't 'encourage' her as such but didn't stop it. He didn't really interact with me much - i certainly didn't feep we presented a united front. It was an outdoor event and I ended up going and sitting in the car 10 mins before we left because I was just bored. I just said I was cold because it had been raining and we'd got wet. I wasn't 'stroppy'.

From the car I could see them all but wasn't really looking. When I did look up, she was nowhere near him and was talking to a couple of women. He was nowhere near her and was talking to someone else.

So she really only does seem to have an interest in him when I'm around to see it.

On Sunday, I spoke with one of my friends who is part of the group. I didn't bring it up but she doesn't like this woman very much anyway because of her attention seeking behaviours generally. She mentioned that over the past few months, she thought that this woman had developed a bit of an ego and mentioned that she and her husband had noticed some of the OTT things she's being doing around him. Which means it's obvious to everyone. This woman and her husband don't always come out with us so they'd missed a lot of it but had still noticed.

I feel that she clearly has an agenda where I'm concerned and he's allowing himself to be her vehicle to do it.

We've got a couple of commitments for the rest of this month that I can't pull out of - appearances at pretty significant events that have been booked for some time. If I pulled out, it would impact on not only the group but on the organisers etc. So I will have to do it. But one is a weekend away event and I'm really not looking forward to either 😕

I've told him that I'll be withdrawing from the 'hobby' after these. He didn't say anything because he knows the reason.

I think the relationship will be untenable after this. He knows how I feel, and the words of a poster on my previous thread, keep rattling around my head - that he doesn't want to upset/awkward/uncomfortable her by saying something directly but is happy for me to feel that way by her doing it. By allowing it to continue, knowing that I will leave if it does, he's effectively choosing her over me.

I know he isn't interested in her. He doesn't behave as though he is interested in her - he just plays everything for laughs. But I just feel that he is allowing the situation to make a fool out of me and allowing me to look like an idiot in a very public arena. And I don't like it.

I never had to put up with this shit in my 20s and I'm not prepared to put up with it now.

I can't believe he didn't say anything when you said you would be dropping the hobby! Just shows how much he cares.

I wouldn't say anything at all op. She knows full well why you are like that and wants you to say so that she can deny it and tell everyone how unreasonable you are being
Absolutely this!
Theres no way I would give her the privilege to know she was pissing me off.

If she asked what's up I would say ' nothing, why do you somethings wrong' but that would be as far as I'd go.

My 20/30 year old self would avoid the issue and be polite.

Now I'm in my 50's, I couldn't give 2 flying fucks, and in fact I would want her to know how I feel, so yeah, I'd give her both barrels to be honest. By the same token, I would have called her out on it when she did stuff - in front of the whole crowd, I would have reduced her to dust. I love being older, you just call everything as it is.

Well I thought he had offered to talk to her? From your earlier posts, his behaviour was absolutely fine. I wouldn’t let that bitch ruin your relationship. I’d tell her she’s pathetic , that everyone thinks she’s embarrassing and what the hell is an old biddy like that making eyes at someone who is blatantly not interested like she was a nubile 20 year old?? (I’m in my 50s)

This is just another attempt at shit stirring. As was the flirting - I agree she almost certainly doesn’t fancy your BF, it’s just another way of trying to needle you. And now that isn’t working, she is trying the “why are you being so mean to me?” gambit - hoping you’ll say something and she can create drama out of that.

This.

But your feelings re how your bf is handling the situation is clearly another issue.

Whatever happens, you shouldn't have to drop out of your hobby due to either of them, no way.

OP she is we aware of what the issue is. I think she is probably embarrassed and trying to
Claw back some dignity. I think you are right to keep your distance- she is very manipulative

If you say anything to her you need to be very careful to mention only instances where she has behaved inappropriately to you. You really can't start on about her behaviour to your BF without sounding ridiculous, given he is a grown man, and independent individual, and the only one who can challenge behaviour directed towards him. Telling another woman part of your problem with her is she flirts with your BF makes you sound like a possessive 15 year old warning her off. Impossible to keep a shred of dignity.
He, on the other hand could, and should, have done plenty. Vanishingly few women persist with this type of thing if they are told firmly and unambiguously that it's unwelcome. Call me cynical but I strongly suspect he's been less than off putting in the past and now lacks the spine to set her straight. Personally I'd be insisting on it.

He isn't 20 either. Neither is the OP. Yet presumably those two 'old biddies' found each other attractive, so what's your point?

I've told him that I'll be withdrawing from the 'hobby' after these. He didn't say anything because he knows the reason.
I think the relationship will be untenable after this. He knows how I feel, and the words of a poster on my previous thread, keep rattling around my head - that he doesn't want to upset/awkward/uncomfortable her by saying something directly but is happy for me to feel that way by her doing it. By allowing it to continue, knowing that I will leave if it does, he's effectively choosing her over me.
I know he isn't interested in her. He doesn't behave as though he is interested in her - he just plays everything for laughs. But I just feel that he is allowing the situation to make a fool out of me and allowing me to look like an idiot in a very public arena. And I don't like it.
I never had to put up with this shit in my 20s and I'm not prepared to put up with it now.

I think you're the one perpetuating the drama now. If you do what you're proposing above, then she's 'won'. No one's making a fool out of you, you'll be making yourself look like the unreasonable one to all the rest of the group.

You went and sat in the car and spied on them from a distance, expecting her to make a beeline for him in your absence. That didn't happen (maybe they avoided each other deliberately or maybe that's just how the mingling went), so now you've spun it around to her only being sociable with your bf when you're around to wind you up. It sounds like you're looking for something that isn't happening, and self sabotaging your relationship.

@altmember is spot on. You sound like a child to be honest OP

Could you please tell us what the hobby is?

Oh ffs. I used to work for someone like this. A complete and utter narcissist. Her name isn't Alison is it?

Either way. Block, grey rock or just totally blank her. She's not worth your brain space.