Time to settle?

[lifeisamessnow]

Hi Mumsnet,

I'm new, but have been a long time lurker. There is so much good advice here that I am hoping you will be able to help.

I have found myself single after an abusive relationship. There is a huge sense of relief to be out of it, but now I am alone and very lonely and I feel very, very sad.

I am turning 38 soon and need to get a move on as I would like a family. I very rarely find men attractive (different when I'm in Spain or France) so I'm wondering if I should just find a man I like and get along with, and don't fancy, to start a family - having a life partner and a baby. I feel like I can't be picky anymore. Hardly anyone meets my standards. And believe me, they're not that high anyway! I guess I am asking about settling.

Besides, isn't it better to find a decent man who will have my back, right? The thing is, I have tried that for years - nice, stable men with zero attraction. It never grows. And I felt bored, and stifled. I've had a good pick of men over the years, but none have been right, including those I find attractive physically.

I don't know what's wrong with me or my situation. I'm not asexual. I'm not bisexual. I don't want to go it alone before anyone suggests. I just don't meet many genuinely nice and normal men I fancy. I think if men took better care of themselves, it might be better.

Anyway. I am feeling glum and hoping for some practical advice from those who have maybe been in this situation before.

You aren't seriously advising the Op to wait to until she's 42 to get pregnant? The stats are woeful for that age as the egg quality for most women will have significantly decreased . The chance of IVF working is around 11%. Yes very few women are extremely lucky

@Musttryharder2021of course I’m absolutely not advising her to wait till she’s 42, simply trying to be positive - I know several women who’ve got pregnant in the forties. It’s interesting how people interpret the written word isn’t it?’

OP, I recommend reading "women who love too much" to unpack some of the issues you've had in previous relationships. I'm another one who has found nice guys boring and been drawn to intense men who inevitably turn out to have issues/incapable of lasting relationships. I'm possibly in the same boat as you, similar age and on the verge of relationship breakdown with the person I thought I'd have a family with. It sucks. I know it would/will take a while for me to get over what I've just been through and I'm worried about when or how I'd be ready for a healthy relationship, if I ever found someone interested in having one with me!
The book is quite interesting on self-esteem and how some women find healthy relationships difficult or uncomfortable, partly because they're so unused to that way of relating to a partner. I know you've said you had healthy relationships growing up so not all of it may apply but may be worth a look.

Take the advice of your username and read the post before commenting!!!

I feel confused about your question, but I'm answering this with good intentions (the title asks about settling and that's what you ask in your Op, but you've said that isn't your question...)

Don't settle, if that is the question. Can you imagine if someone 'settled' for you just to have children? Wouldn't you feel used? Cheated of the chance to be with someone who genuinely wanted to be with you? And it wouldn't be the best relationship to bring a child in to. It would be one that's flawed from the start, with one parent only there because they want children. You still have maybe 40 years of life left, that's a long time to spend with someone you don't really want to be with.

So for yourself, for the potential future partner and for the child/ren who come along, it wouldn't be fair.

Your posts suggest that you've had some awful experiences with men, and you assume they are mostly not worth the effort. Whilst time may be running short if you are to have children, and whilst there isn't such a huge choice of men as when you were in your twenties, you aren't helping matters by dismissing the idea of meeting and falling for someone you genuinely fancy and want to be with. If you tell yourself it won't happen then it won't happen. If you think that your experiences and mindset are telling you this then it might help to talk that through with someone, as it's sabatoging the chance of finding a great relationship - which would be the ideal scenario to being a child in to.

Would you be up for adopting OP?

Have you considered trying to find an amazing relationship and adopting if you found it tricky to conceive?

If you have recently come out of a relationship I suggest spending time alone or with friends & family

Spend time on yourself

Don't settle

Move to Spain or France 😉

Personally I'm a big fan of settling. Or as I call it, accepting real life. Don't think other people have something you haven't had. "Love" isn't some magical, pre ordained thing. It's something our bodies make us feel for a year or two to make us reproduce, it's also a word we use when we get along with someone. That's it. You said you've "had your pick" of men who were nice, decent, you got along with and were physically attracted to. That's all there is. That is "love".

Despite what some here would claim, they say they are in amazing, magical relationships where everything is 100% perfect. I often note those posters finish by saying that their dp is now dead. Rose coloured glasses?

seriously i wish people would stop throwing this out, its not like the OP is going to rock up and pick a baby from a nursery, adoption is such a thorough emotional experience its not for everyone

It's interesting that the only men you find attractive are ones from countries that you can't move to. It's as if you're setting yourself up for failure.

I agree with @RaisinGhost. That intense euphoria you seem to be holding out for is biochemical and temporary.

It sounds like you have not had good luck with relationships but could it also have something to do with you? do you push people away? do you unconsciously think you don't deserve a great guy and it just becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy?. Maybe speaking to a professional to try to entangle this might help. Abusive relationships leave a lot of trauma behind and you might have some unresolved stuff to address.

But there are also harsh realities that you can't control. It becomes harder to date as you get older. There are not that many good guys around and those in your age range who are single often want to date younger women because they either don't want commitment right now (they still have plenty of time to have kids) and just want to have fun or they have already done the family and marriage thing and have no intention to start another family.

You should maybe really think about whether you could be a single parent through a donor or through adoption. Times are changed and although it is the ideal to have a supportive partner it is not the only option to have a family.

You also have to think that maybe life does not have a committed long term partner and kids in store for you and you need to find other ways to get fulfilment.

Personally I would find the idea of settling with someone you don't even love and fancy really sad and much worse than living life as a single woman...

You're saying you want practical tips but you won't settle, you won't relocate abroad, you won't freeze your eggs, you won't have a baby alone. What do you want people to say?