Time to settle?

[lifeisamessnow]

Hi Mumsnet,

I'm new, but have been a long time lurker. There is so much good advice here that I am hoping you will be able to help.

I have found myself single after an abusive relationship. There is a huge sense of relief to be out of it, but now I am alone and very lonely and I feel very, very sad.

I am turning 38 soon and need to get a move on as I would like a family. I very rarely find men attractive (different when I'm in Spain or France) so I'm wondering if I should just find a man I like and get along with, and don't fancy, to start a family - having a life partner and a baby. I feel like I can't be picky anymore. Hardly anyone meets my standards. And believe me, they're not that high anyway! I guess I am asking about settling.

Besides, isn't it better to find a decent man who will have my back, right? The thing is, I have tried that for years - nice, stable men with zero attraction. It never grows. And I felt bored, and stifled. I've had a good pick of men over the years, but none have been right, including those I find attractive physically.

I don't know what's wrong with me or my situation. I'm not asexual. I'm not bisexual. I don't want to go it alone before anyone suggests. I just don't meet many genuinely nice and normal men I fancy. I think if men took better care of themselves, it might be better.

Anyway. I am feeling glum and hoping for some practical advice from those who have maybe been in this situation before.

Stop looking for him. Let it happen naturally.
If you can’t wait then going it alone is the only way.

Sorry about your abusive relationship and well done for leaving it.
Have you had a fertility check up? Frozen eggs? Would you move to Spain or France?

If it hasn't happened by now KangarooKenny I don't think it's going to happen naturally in the next 2 years when I need to have a baby. And I don't have the money or support to go it alone, or do I want to put myself in that position. I'd like a supportive partner. So that's why I feel like it's the end of the road for me and I'm petrified of ending up single and childless. Unless I settle.

Thank you Soapy. No fertility check up - part of me is scared to. Maybe I ought to. Very low success rates with freezing eggs, not worth it. I have lived abroad but I don't want to do it again for various reasons.

Have you talked to a counsellor about this? I feel like you might have some issues around relationships that could be explored?

@lifeisamessnow I feel you. I don’t want a baby/family..been there and done it. But I do want to settle and understand your want to get on with things. I too had the non attractive dependable man and wasn’t happy..yet non of the other have worked either! People say ‘it happens when you’re least looking’ ..hmm a few months ago a lovely seeming man appeared..I felt so lucky..then he turned out to be an absolute control freak…I don’t know what the answer is!

Its never time to settle.
How cruel that would be for the other person.
Not only are you ending your inly chance for love, but theirs too. And nothing gives you that right.

Kids are not an entitlement either. How about just accepting that they may not be something that will be in your future. And that that's OK. No one should bring kids into an unhappy relationship.

I'd like to win the lottery but you know what, tough shit, it'll probably never happen. How about making other dreams? Do something original with your life.

Or, consider having them on your own.
Can't do that? Fine. But don't be a dick and rope someone else into a sham relationship.

Also, considering the last abusive relationship, until you take the time to heal and learn how to spot those sort, it is likely you will attract more of the same kind of man. So that's another reason to remain single for now.

Perhaps you need to come to terms with the fact that having a family isn't going to happen for you. Bringing a child into a bad/dissatisfying relationship is just selfish.

What an inspiring and positive post, thank you Pinkbonbon
I never thought about comparing my want for a family to winning the lottery

Aquamarine1029 that's nice. thank you.

I totally feel you too BBfifteen I guess we need to keep trying, what's the alternative?

You might think it harsh op, but two wings don't make a right. Just because you want kids, doesn't give you the right to have them. Or to take away someone else's chance at love.

*wrongs.

I mean, if you were a guy asking this about a woman, you'd get flayed. No one deserves to be someone who was just 'settled for'.

not harsh. just off the mark. Pinkbonbon maybe trying reading my original post again where i explained it didn't work with the men i loved, but didn't fancy.

I don’t think that would be fair on the person you settle for.

You might be their everything. They would be convenient and a means to your end. It seems cruel to consider it.

ok I think people are getting the wrong end of the stick, maybe because of the title of my thread, maybe because not reading the full OP. settling has not worked for me before. i've been there, done that. i wouldn't recommend it to anyone. the attraction doesn't grow, as i thought it would. i loved two of my exs very much, but i didn't fancy them. i wish i could settle like many people do, but i don't think i can. so maybe that's it for me.

I think in your situation I would have a baby alone rather than be lumbered with a partner you don't have intense feelings for. Long term relationships are very hard work, and sticking at it without being motivated by love would end in massive resentment and unhappiness.

OK but it's the same thing. Would you want to date someone who didn't find you attractive or desirable? Of course not. So why would you think it's OK to inflict that on anyone?

Sorry to rub salt in op, I don't mean to. But I just want you to hold yourself to the same high standard as you would expect of a man.

Because you do deserve love and everything else that comes with dating a nice man. And you shouldn't settle for anything less. Nor should you compromise who you are or your other dreams in order to have kids in a relationship that will make you feel alone, because it's not the right relationship for you.

I mean seriously, do you know how lonely u will feel 6 months in to child rearing with a man who just.. isn't the right man.

Why not just decide on another path. Choose another route to happiness. I'm not saying kids will never happen. But they shouldn't happen unless it's right. And unless they come about in a way whereby you have stayed true to who you really are.

Thank you resuwen that is my feeling too. I wonder about it sometimes, but then I think back to how it didn't work for me before. I don't have the money to afford going it alone sadly. And I can't imagine meeting someone who ticks all the boxes magically in the next two years.

Two exs keep pestering me to meet them. One I fancied, but is a total player. The other loved me years ago. Both are in long term relationships!

Consider co-parenting (actual parenting, not sperm donation). It’s like being divorced, except you skip the whole marriage/ relationship bit. Baby conceived by AI (usually). Typically gay / lesbian arrangement or folks like you, straight or gay, who just haven’t met the right partner and feel time is running out. So I guess you probably go it emotionally alone, but not financially or in sharing physical care responsibilities

www.coparents.co.uk

Pinkbonbon Again not sure you read my OP?

But I just want you to hold yourself to the same high standard as you would expect of a man.

Oh yes I will remember that when I am being harassed by men on the street (a daily occurrence), when I'm being followed home by a stranger (happened a fair few times) or when I'm being mansplained by male colleagues (weekly) or when I remember all the abusive things my ex did or when I get dick pics sent to me on a dating app.

And I'll remember that not having kids is just like not winning the lottery. And I should be original. Right.

I could have EASILY had a baby with abusive ex. I know it has to be right.

Sorry Pinkbonbon I don't find your posts helpful whatsoever. I know you mean well. But think about what you are saying.

Interesting, not heard of this, I will take a look AncrenneWisse thank you

I did read your OP. I know you said it hadn’t worked up to now but you didn’t say that you were going to stop ‘settling’. I think you said that the only way you’d maybe get what you long for in the next year or two would likely only come if you do settle?

As you have found out, for you it isn’t working. And I’m sorry but I still don’t think it is fair on those you’ve settled on or those you might choose to settle with to get what you want. It isn’t fair on you either.

We all want to be special to someone I think. I’m not sure that anyone would be truly happy with being the one someone settled for.

I could be wrong 🤷🏻‍♀️

Lots of people settle and can be happy in these circumstances. And for those I think it’s fine and not for us to judge. Not everyone has the luxury of time or opportunity.

Anyway, I was asking for practical tips on my situation. Obviously I didn’t write my OP clearly enough.

I've had some realisations about myself recently and wondered whether they would help you.

My relationship with my parents was decent emotionally and I feel at a deep level I brought myself up and missed out on feeling properly loved and accepted. This makes one - me - vulnerable to love bombing as I seem to be addicted to that rush of 'love'. However those relationships/ flirtations never developed into anything for me and I can see now some of those men were sociopaths or narcissists but they were good at lovebombing! Cue years of feeling sad and heartbroken that the flirtations hadn't gone anywhere!

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I've had to change my mindset about love. I see love in a different way now, I see it less as a rush and as more of a stable and calm commitment, a journey to go on wirh someone rather than just one heady feeling... hope that makes sense.

I don't think I was shown this as a child and therefore my ideas about what love was / how it felt largely came from books and Hollywood!