Time to settle?

[lifeisamessnow]

Hi Mumsnet,

I'm new, but have been a long time lurker. There is so much good advice here that I am hoping you will be able to help.

I have found myself single after an abusive relationship. There is a huge sense of relief to be out of it, but now I am alone and very lonely and I feel very, very sad.

I am turning 38 soon and need to get a move on as I would like a family. I very rarely find men attractive (different when I'm in Spain or France) so I'm wondering if I should just find a man I like and get along with, and don't fancy, to start a family - having a life partner and a baby. I feel like I can't be picky anymore. Hardly anyone meets my standards. And believe me, they're not that high anyway! I guess I am asking about settling.

Besides, isn't it better to find a decent man who will have my back, right? The thing is, I have tried that for years - nice, stable men with zero attraction. It never grows. And I felt bored, and stifled. I've had a good pick of men over the years, but none have been right, including those I find attractive physically.

I don't know what's wrong with me or my situation. I'm not asexual. I'm not bisexual. I don't want to go it alone before anyone suggests. I just don't meet many genuinely nice and normal men I fancy. I think if men took better care of themselves, it might be better.

Anyway. I am feeling glum and hoping for some practical advice from those who have maybe been in this situation before.

Was lacking emotionally that was meant to say!!

That’s genuinely so interesting thank you for sharing Minnieboat I had the same upbringing as you and felt exactly the same as you.

Do you have any single male friends who also would like to have kids?
It wouldn't be a normal relationship. But you will get the baby and obviously know the dad well enough. It is sort of that co-parent thing that mentioned above except that you are doing it with an acquaintance.

BTW, i get you OP. And you have absolutely every right to think what you think and want to have your own baby. A kid just needs your love, thats all.

On a second note. A friend of mind told me that he has a female friend who desperately want a kid but unable to find herself a suitable relationship for long time. So when she turns 38, she just walked into a bar and had a ONS with some random guy and indeed got pregnant……….

Lifeisamessnow I'm so glad it helped.

I know I will always be a bit vulnerable to that sort of lovebombing... it is intoxicating to me and therapy has shown I have vulnerabilities due to emotional neglect.

I think because I am vulnerable in that way, I am catnip to the wrong kind of guy and their lovebombing is catnip to me... but I've learnt this not love, as such, more of a game of highs and lows.

Please take care of your heart Minnieboat I saw your update, I had an emotionally healthy upbringing, but I was naive for a long time. Narcissists can be very convincing!

Mahbahfah I wonder why she went for a ONS. Maybe easier than a sperm donor! No single friends sadly. Something to bear in mind.

Where are you getting your stats from?

Knowledge is power.

You will never be more fertile than you are right now.

If i could go back and talk to my 38 year old self I'd tell her to freeze eggs and embryos.

If you seem exclusively to fancy French and Spanish men have you asked yourself why? If it's that stark and you want a relationship then you could move there, or hang out at the local Academie Francaise or Cervantes.

I dint think my opinion is going to be a popular one , but, No don’t do it op. chemistry is there for a reason . It’s nature telling you whether you are genetically compatible and will make healthy babies . At 38 you don’t want to override this for some one who’s kind with a good job. Go for good gene pool over bank balance and personality . You can always settle for Mr Dependable Companionship once you’ve had a baby with a good looking bastard you fancied the pants off .

Where are you getting your stats from?

The stats that any good doctor would give you based on research and outcomes. I work in a related field. It’s better to freeze eggs in 20s. Even then it’s a low success rate.

statetrooperstacey your post made me
chuckle 😂 thanks I really needed it after feeling so glum!

Oh and I just meant men on the continent generally look after themselves and at least look better

I’m not shallow, it’s not about hot looks or anything.

Can’t/won’t relocate.

had a ONS with some random guy and indeed got pregnant……….

I know a few of those women - no judgement from me - and a few ended up with children with SEN. (Could happen in any coupling, random or married since teens)

However, you owe it to your child to tell him about his father, the other half of him or he will be left forever wondering about that 50% of his genetics.
never mind wondering if he may be related to a relationship he has

OP I get the deep desire to have a child. But remember, the fairy-tale never materialises.

Bringing up a child has been most difficult thing I ever had to do. Everything you do in life you can change. Except having a child.
I would never want to turn back the clock though! And that is talking as a solo parent for 30 years.

Wish you all the best in finding what you want.

I feel for you, OP. I was in the same boat, didn’t settle, finally met and married a wonderful man but too late to have children. I thought the longing would wear off but it doesn’t, even though my marriage is very happy.

Two possibilities I would try if I had the chance again:

There are many well established marriage agencies, and some are bound to serve people like yourself who are open about children being their priority. Do look into all the agencies and try those that seem suitable, with an open mind.

A woman I knew long ago drew up a list of suitable male friends and acquaintances, and spoke honestly to those she would be prepared to marry. The second one she approached agreed, and they married and had I think two children. Both very practical and open-eyed. Sadly the marriage ended in divorce, but I think all amicable and the children weren’t traumatised.

Best of luck, OP. I wish I had tried harder while I was still fertile.

You've said a lot of times OP about fancying someone and being attracted to them, I'm just wondering if the emphasis on looks might be overshadowing everything else?
Of course there needs to be a physical attraction and chemistry but I don't think it should be at the core of a relationship, especially if you want a family. Because believe me, when you're screaming in labour or hobbling around after giving birth, the last thing you care about is how attractive your partner is! Just a thought.

So the problem is that you have contempt for men? Then it's a paradox - you'll never find a man who isn't beneath you, so 'settling' is your only option. Or perhaps you could import an attractive man from Spain or France?

I am just like you Minnie. I am happy being single for now. I've missed the boat for having children, but I don't feel any unfulfilled desire for them. I don't want to be a single parent, so I will stick to cats.

Everyone settles op. Though by the looks of this thread most people deny it! My dh is very nice and looks like George Clooney. But I would have preferred Heath Ledger who unfortunately was already dead. So me and George Alike married and are very happy. Do whatever makes you happy and don't let perfect be the enemy of good. Or you end up with nothing.

I mean there's plenty of French and Spanish men in the UK to date. Or certainly in the big cities there are. Language exchange groups? But finding the right mix of attractive and compatible isn't easy - because a lot of people end up attracted to the incompatible. Maybe it requires a change of thinking in what you consider sexually attractive or appealing - noticing the little things that can take someone from men to phwoar. So much of it is around our own biases and perceptions of beauty and they definitely can be changed.

I had an ex who I thought was just ok looking on the first date. But we got on so well I decided to give it more time. And one day we were out with his friends and he was so confident and clearly well liked by people, it changed how I saw him. There was this moment he laughed and I remember looking at him and thinking damn, he's hot, how am I only just noticing. So sometimes attraction can be a slow burner particularly if they're vaguely your type and everything else is good.

I wouldn't advise settling into a relationship where something always feels missing. But if you spend most of your time feeling happy with someone, enjoying sex and liking them as a person - even if the attraction and spark is not immense, that's worth taking a chance on. I wouldn't call that settling though, it's more just being aware of what really matters to you and what you can live without.

I think if you're after men who take care of themselves more - active hobby groups like running, cycling, hiking, dancing etc are a good way to meet fit men.

*Meh to phwoar

No. Don't be doing that. Else you'll be on here in 5 years saying you're in a sexless marriage to a man you don't love and trying to find a way out.

Babies are really really hard work and rock even stable happy marriages, let alone a settler likely to get the ick pretty quick.

Also and don't take this wrong. You've been a bit salty on here, if you're like that in real life, sweeten up a bit. No one likes a sourpuss and you might be putting the decent Spanish/French looking ones off.

Your issue is the men you are sexually attracted to are abusive. You need therapy to work out why.

You said yourself that past relationships where you didn't fancy the guy don't work.

Perhaps you should be more analytical about how to meet your ideal man? You know if you want really good meat you go to a good butcher, special cakes you’d go to a patisserie? Think about what you really want in a man, you said you worked in a field to do with fertility/health? How about medical conferences? Try and be analytical about what you want and where to find them. Yes it sounds like a hunting expedition but if you’re serious and time is of the essence then you have to be focussed! Go where these types of men are likely to be. And then if it doesn’t happen you may have to accept that’s not your role in life and take another route. How about fostering? Good luck.
(ps I was 40, just walking down the road when I met my husband. Pregnant at 42 and been together 23 years. You never know what’s round the corner.)

You are assuming that these men want to "settle" for you. And you are assuming you are fertile still.

And the child maintenance followed ...