Are some people just not cut out to be in a relationship?

[NAMEchangeOUTOFembarrassment]

I dont what (or is there anything?) wrong with me.

In theory at least I’d like a partner - companionship.
But in reality it’s all have been so underwhelming.

Being in relationship just seems like everyday life, but extra effort.
Compromising, talking and talking and talking.
And I know this makes me sound cold, but I don’t like being touched very much.
I don’t mean to be this way, but it’s like my skin reject other person’s touch.

But still I’m not very happy being single.
I don’t want to be alone.

I don’t know anyone who is like this.
Everyone else seems to happily want, crave and be in a relationship.
Yes, they may have their issues, but nothing like this.

I don’t know if anyone can help, but if someone has some word of wisdom, please, let me know.

Have you ever thought about the possibility that you might be neurodiverse?

No, can’t say that I have.

Did I write in a way that made you think that, or were you just spitballing?

Disliking compromise, not enjoying talking to people, hating being touched, viewing companionship as extra effort... All of these sound like traits you might find in ASD individuals.

I am similar. I don’t like being touched, hate fuss when I am not feeling well. Prefer to do what I like when I like rather than having to compromise and I like my own routine too much. I am content in the knowledge that i am not suited to being in a relationship. I have 2 dogs and they are perfect for companionship for me. I never thought I was neurodiverse, just very unsocialable 😂

You exaggerate what I said.

I didn’t say I don’t enjoy talking, it can be too much sometimes and quite often repetitive.

And I don’t hate, that’s a damn strong word, touching. Just wish it wasn’t so necessary.

Hmmm. I'm like that abit. Very positive at the start and then meh - it all just becomes normal boring life. I'm late 50s. Found out last year I have ADHD. So maybe look into it for you? Im happier in most ways alone but do find it boring ! But at least I no longer fantasise that there's a Mr Or Ms Right for me

@livelyliz Thank you for your comment.
Good to know I’m not the only one.

Is it too personal to ask how you’re dealing with being single?
Do you feel like an outsider?

Sorry, if it’s not okey to ask.

@livelyliz I'm exactly the same. I've never thought I'm neorodiverse, I'm just me.

I'm not keen on physicall contact, I like company, but also like it when I leave.

I just don't think I'm cut out for coupledom. I have an adult child (amazing!) And I live with her and her partner. But they have their living space and I have mine.

It's not that I'm shy, I'm not. In MyersBriggs speak, I'm an introvert. I recharge my batteries by being alone. But I'm not introverted in the sense that, for example, I was comfortable talking to big groups of people, and I'm very happy to chat with strangers.

Maybe ideally you need to find someone who is a bit like you, in that they have similar levels of needs from a relationship, and similar reservations about physical touch and space from constant communication. I'm sure there are other people who feel this way.

What you describe could be a trauma response too.

Could you find companionship without a relationship?

Living with friends or family could help.

I am exactly the same as you. I've always just called myself a loner as I love my own company and I'm definitely not a people person. I much prefer my dogs. I've been on my own very happily for many many years, decades!

I do have a partner now and he is the nicest person you could wish to meet. I live in my home and he lives in his which is about five minutes walk away. He moved in for six months during the worst of the Covid but I don't like people in my space so he went back to his home. I see him every day but at 4:30 he goes home and I spend all my evenings alone as I seem to need this time to recharge. It's absolutely perfect for me I have company for some of the day but my own time from very early evening. I am very very lucky that my partner understands what I'm like and happy enough with the situation although I think if he was very honest he'd like us to be together all the time but that just won't happen.

I'm neurodiverse and I could have written your post. Except I'm sensory seeking and the only thing I miss about relationships is the touching. I don't like informal contact/ touch with friends etc, but I do with a partner. I just can't be arsed listening to the contents of their heads. I have enough going on in mine. I'm currently on a weeks holiday alone and I've loved every minute. Being single suits me very much.

I’d be okey with having something like a super close platonic friendship/companion/thing/whatever.
But then I’d like to find someone who is like me and that would be the ”main” relationship they like and also want.
If they would still try and date other’s, then I really wouldn’t see the point.

I'm not cut out for relationships. I love my own space and can't be bothered with another person in it too often, certainly not 24/7. I look at friends' marriages and relationships, and it just seems so much work and compromise. I have friends, and I have FWB. It works for me.

You might be interested in this thread

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4577467-is-anyone-really-happy-single

i said on it that relationships are simultaneously boring and stressful, like my worst jobs. Wanting companionship is a different thing.

I had company three nights in a row this week. Bit much, now no friends to see till Friday next week, which is good.

I'm beginning to think I might not be relationship material.

I love touch, conversation, sex, companionship, loving and being loved but always seem to seek out partners where there is a distance, be it physical, cultural or an avoidant aspect as being married to their career.

I'm very introverted, albeit outgoing and have had a lot of trauma related to men so think this might be part of it. I would love nothing more than a family and do get plenty of interest from men. I just seem to push away the solid, loving, simple hearted ones and get excited by those where there's some obstacle. I am sick of being alone and dating, just can't seem to ever be attracted to the right man for a normal relationship where we can just be together.

I’m like that. I just think I’m picky. Instinctively I know what I want. I just haven’t found it yet.

That’s the way I look at it anyway.

Yes, I do feel odd. My sister keeps saying to me I will be lonely but I like my own company it is so much easier. I am 57 and it’s taken me years to accept I am what I am and I feel really content. I have stopped trying to find someone, literally had so many dates. I have been divorced twice, have two amazing children and one granddaughter. I am studying with the open University and loving it. No time for a partner now and certainly not bored.
Many women who do marry become widowed in later life anyway so we should stop worrying about being alone in our old age and plan for ourselves .

@fabicelolly I don’t have any trauma in my past.
My parent’s were pretty indifferent and neglectful, but I don’t know if that makes some kind of difference.

@EmmaH2022
Thank you for the link.

Relationships being simultaneously boring and stressful is very accurate
description.

I’d be okey with having something like a super close platonic friendship/companion/thing/whatever.
But then I’d like to find someone who is like me and that would be the ”main” relationship they like and also want.
If they would still try and date other’s, then I really wouldn’t see the point.

I feel like what you want is niche but far from impossible. Do you live in a densely populated area with lots of options for seeking this sort of relationship?

@livelyliz

Sounds like you have a pretty great life.

There really isin’t any guarantees who will be lonely in old age and I don’t think it’s fair to have a partner just as an insurance against becoming lonely.

Honestly, no.

No idea where to even beging looking.
But it’s kind of a dream scenario, I don’t think it’s going to become reality.

I absolutely don't think I'm suitable or even want a relationship, I absolutely hate anybody in my home apart from a few people, cannot stand to be touched. Hate the expectation of having to speak to someone when I quite enjoy just my noise.
I cannot also tolerate anybody else's mess, I have things set and done in certain ways that have me an irrational rage if not done right or something gets moved.
But most of all I adore not having to tell/explain to anyone else what I'm doing and only having myself to consider when making plans

I’m afraid I thought neurodiversity too
or , the traits
not wanting to be touched
the dislike of talking

maybe someone ND or with similar personality is out there for you
I really mean that x