Are some people just not cut out to be in a relationship?

[NAMEchangeOUTOFembarrassment]

I dont what (or is there anything?) wrong with me.

In theory at least I’d like a partner - companionship.
But in reality it’s all have been so underwhelming.

Being in relationship just seems like everyday life, but extra effort.
Compromising, talking and talking and talking.
And I know this makes me sound cold, but I don’t like being touched very much.
I don’t mean to be this way, but it’s like my skin reject other person’s touch.

But still I’m not very happy being single.
I don’t want to be alone.

I don’t know anyone who is like this.
Everyone else seems to happily want, crave and be in a relationship.
Yes, they may have their issues, but nothing like this.

I don’t know if anyone can help, but if someone has some word of wisdom, please, let me know.

No idea where to even beging looking.
But it’s kind of a dream scenario, I don’t think it’s going to become reality.

Well the good thing is you know what your dream scenario is!! That's great!

Lots of women don't even think about what they want and need. They just jump into a standard format relationship because that's what they think they should want.

Thinking about and defining something different is much trickier and takes more self reflection.

Do you have a city nearby? Does anyone in this thread have any pearls of wisdom?

I’m like this too

you have to be willing to think outside the box.

i have partners but I don’t live with them. We have our own lives and goals and we run our own finances

its no les loving, committed and supportive but bed sharing is only ever temporary and enjoyable not a routine we would be making some huge statement to walk away from.

although I sometimes miss them I enjoy to do so and enjoy waving them off on the train nearly as much as seeing them arrive 😂😂

you can live life by your own rules, no need to saddle yourself with some off the tv relationship you think your supposed to have!

that IS relationship trauma that you’ll carry through to every other close relationship you have.

All these people trying to pathologise not wanting to fit into to the culturally expected relationship style.

yes it can be because or neuro divergence or past trauma but people aren’t broke just because they don’t want an off the shelf relationship.
That model worked better when we lived for 30 years max and spent most of it after puberty pregnant or breastfeeding.

some of us just don’t want a pet man to look after to guard us from being lonely in our old age. They’re a lot of hassle

Tbh, if I can be blunt, this sounds like wanting the benefits of a relationship, without going through the "work" to get there.

By that, I mean, the talking and the touching and the mutual compromise is what allows two people to build a life together and allow them to trust each other enough that the closeness and companionship follow. And elements of that "work" are constantly required in order to keep that closeness mutual. You need to emotionally feed each other as it were, particularly if you are wanting an exclusive relationship.

If you do meet someone who also didn't like touching much and finds talking tiresome, how do you go about building the emotional connection? I'm not asking that to be mean, but I think it might help you to work out how you can get what you want.

But most of all I adore not having to tell/explain to anyone else what I'm doing and only having myself to consider when making plans

Agree. I love it.

True, but if the OP truly felt that they wouldn’t be feeling a dilemma. The reality is we’re a relational species who thrive in community. If you’ve managed to create that community through friendship rather than romantic relationship that’s great for you, but it doesn’t sound like this is where the OP is.

Thank you for this message.

And @fabicelolly my ’dilemma’ is more to do with the narrative that we all should/want/desire to be in relationships that look certain way with
extremely rigid rules.

I mean @MaJoady above said touching allows two people to build a life together.
I don’t believe that at all.
And to add yes talking would be pretty important to figure each other out.
I probably should have used the word small talk, since few people have really cling on tightly that I must despise any kind of talking.

Are you asexual @NAMEchangeOUTOFembarrassment or are you open to a sexual relationship? Sorry if this is too personal to ask.

some of us just don’t want a pet man to look after to guard us from being lonely in our old age. They’re a lot of hassle

😆

Hey OP,

I'm very much like you with the difference that I don't feel at all lonely and I love being single.

Having to deal with someone in my bed, taking into account their needs and wants all the time, sounds exhausting. Some have been surprised I say that when I have children, as they think having children is the same kind of compromise - but it's really not. With kids I'm in charge, I make the plans, and while I do have to take their needs and wants into account it doesn't feel like an imposition, the way it does when it's a romantic partner. I get to raise them the way I think is right, and if I have to move to south america for my job I get to just do that without having to negotiate it with someone else.

I'm not saying a hard no to relationships, but a partner would have to be pretty bloody amazing for me to consider giving up my singlehood, and I won't be sad if it doesn't happen.

I know I'm not "normal". I've always thought I'd get married and have kids because that's the "done" thing. But I realized when I was 30 that I actually have little interest in a relationship. I did want children so I had them (sperm bank) and we're a very happy little family.

OP, you can't be sure you'll ever meet the right person so I'd suggest pursuing a happy single life, and then if a relationship happen that feels worth the hassle that's great, but if it doesn't then at least your life will have been great on every other aspect.

I also think you should be pretty straightforward and up front with people you do end up dating. Yes, you'll scare more of them away - but that's a bonus, it means neither of yoi will waste time on a relationship that's not right for you.