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Original poster

She's checking out other women...

57 replies

newcooksintheden · 29/06/2022 14:29

I have been with my girlfriend for 17 months,we live together and are engaged and getting married next month.
Before we got together i knew of him (lesbian pool is small ) and she used to sleep around every weekend and the stories I heard she loved to enjoy herself(mdma was her drug of choice )

We met when she was 39 and she was ready to settle down(she has 3 grown up children who have now flown the nest a month before we got together )
Now like I say are together and getting married next month.
When we go out together I notice her checking other women out (stating at bums etc )
She rarely goes out with her friends now
I think it's because she doesn't trust herself not to cheat (she had years of sleeping around)

How do I mention this to her?
When she's had a drink ...her eyes are all over.
Sometimes I get scared I was just for convenience of having someone.

OP posts:
Original poster
newcooksintheden · 29/06/2022 14:30

*knew of her

OP posts:
SmileyPiuPiu · 29/06/2022 14:40

Have an honest chat with her and say you've noticed and is she sure she wants to get married

Thunderrr · 29/06/2022 14:48

Talk to her about what She's not going to change.

Original poster
newcooksintheden · 29/06/2022 14:56

I'm worried that the part of her that fancies all the women will never go.
She's 40 so it's like she's a 20 something.
What if this is just who she is
What about in a few years it gets boring for her and she goes back to her old ways.
I want a baby -I want to carry the baby
It worries me if she will stop her eyes wandering

OP posts:
5128gap · 29/06/2022 15:05

I don't think you're ready as a couple to get married and have a child.
It sounds like just 17 months ago she was a very different person from the woman you want and need her to be now. And it's been a funny couple of years. People have been restricted from their usual activities, thrown into new situations and its hard to know what impact that has.
Personally I'd be postponing the wedding until you've had more time as a couple and have got a better measure on whether settling down is the right thing.
Tell her not to check out other women by all means, as that's disrespectful. But it's a symptom not the problem.

Original poster
newcooksintheden · 29/06/2022 15:09

It's strange because we met in 2020 (the end ) and all we did was go to each other's houses.
Nothing was open so she didn't have the temptation I guess.
Now we do most things together and that's great.
But I do notice her looking at women.
I know it must be hard going from sleeping with different women every weekend to marriage.
She's done it for years.
Maybe I'm just being silly
I should be pleased she's settled with me.
Then you get the worry is it because she's 40 now and is scared she's on the shelf
Basically I'm over thinking

OP posts:
Head in the clouds 101 · 29/06/2022 15:14

If she still interested in the same sex would you consider the idea of an open marriage? Because if she is this might be suggested by her.

5128gap · 29/06/2022 15:19

newcooksintheden · 29/06/2022 15:09

It's strange because we met in 2020 (the end ) and all we did was go to each other's houses.
Nothing was open so she didn't have the temptation I guess.
Now we do most things together and that's great.
But I do notice her looking at women.
I know it must be hard going from sleeping with different women every weekend to marriage.
She's done it for years.
Maybe I'm just being silly
I should be pleased she's settled with me.
Then you get the worry is it because she's 40 now and is scared she's on the shelf
Basically I'm over thinking

Thats my point really. When you met, the only option was settled type things, so you only knew how she was when there wasn't any choices. With things back to normal it's almost like you need to get to know her again when she has the world in front of her, so to speak, and then see whether she settles from choice rather than from no choice.

5128gap · 29/06/2022 15:20

Head in the clouds 101 · 29/06/2022 15:14

If she still interested in the same sex would you consider the idea of an open marriage? Because if she is this might be suggested by her.

OP is also a woman.

Original poster
newcooksintheden · 29/06/2022 15:21

Yeah sorry I should have made that clear
We are both female

OP posts:
Charley50 · 29/06/2022 15:21

Head in the clouds 101 · 29/06/2022 15:14

If she still interested in the same sex would you consider the idea of an open marriage? Because if she is this might be suggested by her.

I gather they are a same-sex couple?

MindYourHeadDoggy · 29/06/2022 15:22

Why would you even consider marrying someone with such a roving eye?

You haven’t been together long and it doesn’t sound like you’re on the same page.

Recipe for disaster.

HoneysuckleBeanstalk · 29/06/2022 15:23

OP I know a couple who got together in lockdown, and they struggled when things opened up because they only saw each other and hadn't built up the normal trust over time.

I think you should postpone, a year and see how you can both live normally. Nights out together, and separately.

Original poster
newcooksintheden · 29/06/2022 15:26

@MindYourHeadDoggy if it had been two years ago I wouldn't.
Because she's now wanting to settle down it's obviously different.
I'm just worried about this roving eye and if it will always be in her (if that makes sense )

OP posts:
SheldonesqueTheBstard · 29/06/2022 15:30

You don’t speak of her kindly OP. I’m not sure if marriage is something you should be heading towards.

And past belongs to her. Not you.

5128gap · 29/06/2022 15:32

newcooksintheden · 29/06/2022 15:26

@MindYourHeadDoggy if it had been two years ago I wouldn't.
Because she's now wanting to settle down it's obviously different.
I'm just worried about this roving eye and if it will always be in her (if that makes sense )

In the nicest possible way, if your relationship hasn't 'cured' her roving eye, it's not going to go away by itself. Having a partner has not dampened her interest in other women, so yes, I'd say its is her nature. Most people look when they're single and on the look out, but generally lose interest when their partner is their main focus. Which to me is as it should be. There's no way I'd be with someone constantly looking over my shoulder to see who else was out there, or getting their kicks from looking at other women's bodies.

Original poster
newcooksintheden · 29/06/2022 15:34

I love her.
I'm just scared incase eventually I'm not enough.
Part of me worries if it wasn't for the lockdown would we have moved so fast.
Was I just in the right place at the right time
I've been hurt before you see,and don't want to get hurt again.

OP posts:
SmileyPiuPiu · 29/06/2022 15:37

I don't think you are overthinking it. I think it's too soon to marry her.

5128gap · 29/06/2022 15:46

newcooksintheden · 29/06/2022 15:34

I love her.
I'm just scared incase eventually I'm not enough.
Part of me worries if it wasn't for the lockdown would we have moved so fast.
Was I just in the right place at the right time
I've been hurt before you see,and don't want to get hurt again.

It all sounds very unbalanced to me OP. You have her on a pedestal and think you're lucky to have her and may not be enough. She disrespects you.
Please, take it from me, there's only one way that goes for the partner in your position, and its not a happy one.

Original poster
newcooksintheden · 29/06/2022 16:28

Do leopards ever change their spots?
So to speak
Do you think it's possible to loose that wandering eye?

OP posts:
Flyg · 29/06/2022 16:38

I wouldnt marry someone who was so blatantly gorping at other women while they were with me to be honest. Its disrespectful to you that shes doing that.

Flyg · 29/06/2022 16:41

newcooksintheden · 29/06/2022 16:28

Do leopards ever change their spots?
So to speak
Do you think it's possible to loose that wandering eye?

Yes they can. But she is 40 and doing this in front of you, so if she is still doing it now when do you expect her to stop?

HoneysuckleBeanstalk · 29/06/2022 16:43

She knows you can see her behaviour. I've seen this behaviour myself, she won't change.

Vikinga · 29/06/2022 16:47

No way would I stay with someone who kept staring at other women. I would also be wary of being in a relationship with someone who is used to sleeping around.

biggreenhouse · 29/06/2022 16:53

don't get married to someone so quickly , if you can't have open and honest discussions with her about this and fully know and trust her completely - marriage and babies are NOT for you. Give it at least 3-4 years as it takes that long (and living together for extended time) to really get to know someone for better or worse.