She's checking out other women...

[newcooksintheden]

I have been with my girlfriend for 17 months,we live together and are engaged and getting married next month.
Before we got together i knew of him (lesbian pool is small ) and she used to sleep around every weekend and the stories I heard she loved to enjoy herself(mdma was her drug of choice )

We met when she was 39 and she was ready to settle down(she has 3 grown up children who have now flown the nest a month before we got together )
Now like I say are together and getting married next month.
When we go out together I notice her checking other women out (stating at bums etc )
She rarely goes out with her friends now
I think it's because she doesn't trust herself not to cheat (she had years of sleeping around)

How do I mention this to her?
When she's had a drink ...her eyes are all over.
Sometimes I get scared I was just for convenience of having someone.

Run for the hills. She won't change and it doesn't sound like she is capable of monogamy. She sounds like my ex, and that turned out to be a total train wreck of a relationship. Also, 18 months is way too soon to marry someone, even without any red flags.

Are you staying with her because you want a baby? This isn't a healthy relationship.

She doesn't respect you. You don't trust her.

Sorry I honestly didn't know op is a woman. Now knowing this I think you should explain how you feel - actions however subtle it
may be you've seen her do to make you feel worried. If she's open with you then it's a step in the right direction, however if she tries to play it down or deny it then you better stand firm and not let your feelings be dismissed. Hope it goes well 💓

So if OP was a man he should let his girlfriend shag around but if she's a woman her girlfriend should be considerate of her feelings?

She's 40 but has 3 grown up children? That's unusually young. You want a baby - is she really on board with going back to the sleepless nights and another 18 years of responsibility?

I think you might well be left holding any baby that comes into this relationship, on your own.

I would slow way the hell down.

How do you get on with her kids?

Dont marry. You sound incredibly unsure and needy.

Slow down and don't make anything legal for at least another year (preferably more!)

A few people have said we are rushing things.
So basically you think being such a "womaniser" in the past ..it will always be in her?

Maybe not forever but that's who she is for now

I guess it's a hard habit to break
A friend has said looking but not touching is fine -which I personally don't agree with.
I know she loves me -and I know she wants to settle.
Why do you think she enjoyed the sleeping around ?

she enjoys the sex, enjoys the ego boost of being fancied by multiple people, enjoys variation.. could be many reasons. Surely if you're engaged to her you have already had these deep and meaningful conversations with her though and feel u know everything about eachother before committing to eachother forever? if not.. you really are nowhere near ready for marriage.

We haven't really discussed that
I haven't let on I really know about her past.
I know 18 months isn't long to some people but with lockdown we spent lots of nights /days just us together...without the outside world I guess

I think the lack of outside world has created a bit of a false intimacy feeling tbh. You now need to learn how to be in a relationship in the new real world.

I think after the wedding it will be good for us to do more things with friends.
It's mad because two years ago today I was out with an ex and two years later I'm nearly married to someone else.
Do you think I have anything to worry about regarding her past wandering eye ?

OP, you are still not speaking kindly about your partner’s past which is nothing to do with you at all.

If she has a wandering eye, that isn’t acceptable and you need to talk it out. Likewise IF she has been unfaithful.

Either way, this is the person you intend to marry and if you have doubts, are being judgmental and are that concerned about her past, you don’t need to be getting married any time soon.

You will be racked with insecurity and that is no way to live.

And weddings are not a sticking plaster.

I'm just paranoid ..thankyou everyone for taking the time to share your wisdom
Much much appreciated

If you are paranoid because of another relationship, don’t drag that with you. It’ll drag you both down.

Delay the wedding, it’ll keep if it is meant to be. Live a little out of the covid bubble and get to know eachother. Talk. Love. Let her know that wandering eyes worry you. Reassess if it keeps happening.

You are supposed to be giddy as a pickle with joy. Not riddled with doubts.

Best wishes going forward

Don't marry someone you only know from living in a covid bubble. You don't know each other well at all. You can't communicate with her and you don't trust her.

This

Yes she is a serial Shagger

Sorry for late response I've been to work.
Had pretty bad relationships in the past ...lots of lesbian drama.
Makes me miss men a bit ha ha
Anyway I knew what I was getting myself in for
Is it normal to look?
Me personally don't look at anyone because nobody would come close to her

This.

OP you aren't robust enough a couple to be planning a wedding, yet.

It sounds like you haven't shared enough post covid bubble time to work through the stuff that we usually navigate much earlier on e.g. socialising / friends and family / priorities / time management...

It's moved fast because the lockdown bubble created (for lots of couples I think) false intimacy where people spent lots of time together but it wasn't necessarily 'real world' time as for so many of us our worlds got much smaller with restrictions, WFH etc.

If you don't feel rock solid as a couple, as a team, as equals, as partners then I would argue it's not a sensible decision to be planning your wedding.

Press pause. Enjoy a year together without the pressure of a wedding looming, in the real world, navigating real issues and working out how you function as a couple and if it's well enough to sustain a happy, healthy marriage.

Don't rush, there's no need.

If someone had a different partner every weekend in the past but now wants to settle down and is committed to their DP, great. But if they are still eyeing up the talent? No. It's disrespectful to you and doesn't sound as if she wants to give up the thrill of the chase. It's not a stable basis for parenthood. If you don't delay the wedding, at least wait for a couple of years before you consider a baby. How does she feel about another baby?

She's happy about it.
Obviously it will be me carrying this child not her.
Since her kids have left home she's felt lost -I think that's why she decided to settle down because she wanted more children

How old are you OP? Just curious.

I would honestly give yourselves a bit more time in the real world, post lockdowns to get to know each other, that time you said about doing stuff after the wedding, do it now. And if it's meant to be, it'll still happen.

I'm 33