I am a ‘bitch and a stupid cunt’

[Workinghardeveryday]

Fallen out with p. He let me down tonight, long story, to exhausted to explain it all. Sorry to drip feed.

he text me I am a bitch.

then came upstairs when I am in bed, told me he leaving me and called me a stupid cunt.

I am sorry to hear this op . But is all really lost ? I am interested in what people and OP will say ; my dp is similar ( together 6 years and just had a baby) . It has (predictably )got worse since having a baby. His last outburst was in front of my older 2 children. I addressed it with him properly as I had never done before. I told him it was a red line for me. When we talked it became apparent that he really didn't realise that calling names was that bad ( he had been to
a public school with lots of abuse and name calling and bullying and also comes from a family where the dad calls names). After long talks and me being very clear and sticking to my guns he has started getting counselling and has now admitted that name calling is wrong and that he is going to work on it... am I being naive to believe things will get better now? Or can sometimes it be a cultural thing rather than the purposeful technique of a bully/nasty person.

@Wish44 if you think anyone does know that name calling like that is wrong, you are absolutely deluded.

That is not what I think. My point was that there are different reasons why people do things that they know are wrong . I am suggesting that if someone comes from a culture where certain bad behaviour is minimalised and normal then this may be why they are doing it rather than because they are a bad person who enjoys hurting others. They may have no other skills to deal with anger. I am not saying people should stay with someone who behaves like this if they refuse to assess the issue and change... I am suggesting options to the OP who says that mostly she has a nice husband. Maybe she has already tried and he won't change... fine it's time to leave . I work in mental health and genuinely some people have learned bad bad things as children... they can unlearn them if they want to.

Bye then

Pft...abusive little sociopath. Faster he leaves the better.

Curious, does he break his own stuff when he is mad? Or just yours?

You sound so worn down. How often does he get angry?

wow @Wish44 , your partner really did a number on you. Good luck with that.

Would you drink a glass of water if I told you it’s ok, there’s only a little bit of dog shit in it? Then you don’t tolerate a domestic abuser either, even if he’s only shite not every single second.

Next time your shit boyfriend gets aggressive, have the police remove him.

@Wish44 don’t post pro-domestic abuser propaganda.

OPs abuser is just a boyfriend, not a husband, and there’s no amount of abuse that is acceptable. Encouraging women to stay with abusers is reprehensible, you should be ashamed of yourself.

I just left a guy like this - he was 99% wonderful. The most loving, affectionate, generous etc boyfriend you could wish for, amazing in bed, made me laugh. But as soon as I was upset about anything (usually him letting me down or doing something thoughtless) he would get defensive and angry, call me a cunt or tell me I’m crazy and then sometimes start kicking or throwing things.

The physical stuff only happened a few times, but it only needed to, because I was waiting for it every time. He would often pack his bags and leave (he didn’t live with me so would just go upstairs and get any clothes etc and storm off). It made me feel so insecure and for 9 years I tolerated it.

Even after I called the police one time to have him removed as he’d kicked stuff around and was refusing to leave. I was terrified of him at that point. But then after a break I forgave him, he forgave me for calling 999 and having him arrested and we went on with our toxic dysfunction for another 5+ years. I thought he’d learned from that but then recently he did the exact same thing again and I had to draw a line under it, so I hadn’t seen him for 6 months.

Truth be told when I bumped into him again recently I still wanted him back. Luckily he’s done with the drama and is now terrified of having the police called again so he won’t get back with me. I keep hoping against hope that he realises what he’s done and has some miraculous turnaround, but he won’t.

Sorry for the me-rail, just offering solidarity from someone who’s been there. It’s not ok, it’s not acceptable, and like someone said above, he would always say “you’re forgetting about all the amazing stuff we have” er no, it’s all tainted by the little bit of shit you keep stirring into it!

@Wish44 if your DH manages to keep a job he is choosing when his outbursts are acceptable. That means he chooses to do it to you and the children.

Does he call everyone names (his boss, his mum, etc) or just you?

99% of the time being perfect means there are roughly 3.65 days of him abusive. That's 87.6 hours.

That's enough time spent being abusive to taint every single week of the year.

Everyone..

Anyway sorry OP I feel like I have derailed your thread. It wasn't my intention. I won't post again...

I am sorry if it sounds like I am encouraging someone to stay in an abusive situation ,again not my intention.

I am also sorry that I have been told on this thread that I should be ashamed of myself . That has made me feel awful.

If he is nice 99% of time then he only had a little bit to change.
He didn't try to change.
My view also is that words like that should never NEVER be used in a household with children. It is far to crude and insulting.

Thank you all for your advice.

@Wish44 i don’t mind in the slightest, you have not derailed the thread, it’s always helpful to see a different view. Please don’t feel ashamed, it made sense to me.

he stormed off to work in a mood this morning. Just rang me to sort things out. I explained to him I wouldn’t be called names again, it’s not okay or acceptable. Explained he would never call anyone else in his life names so why me? He said he would if anyone annoyed him that much.

I told him I won’t stand for it again. We will see, my money is on he will call me names in the future, but I have to give him the chance to change…

Why do you have to give him a a chance to change? You dont HAVE to do anything if you don't want to. You can walk away from a 14.5/25/50 year relationship just because you feel like it, if that was what you wanted to do.

People only treat you the way you let them.

We will see, my money is on he will call me names in the future, but I have to give him the chance to change…

I'll tell you now he won't change. He is an abusive twat.

Just dump him now . You are worth far more than this and you've already given him far too many chances.

I know the question wasn’t asked to me, but certainly my ex called everyone names, including colleagues etc. He pushed his boss’ desk over and apparently no consequences. He had been in more than one fist fight with police involvement where he reckons they told him they didn’t blame him, he was provoked He once called his boss a prick and walked away with a pay rise, so he was never given any consequences for his actions.

When you’re surrounded by other toxic people with no boundaries maybe you never learn what’s ok and what’s not to normal people. His previous relationship was volatile and she went on to have other more physically abusive partners, so to her he was probably just a “normal angry bloke”.

We know that MN can be a bit of an echo chamber because views like @Wish44 are silenced. But I bet there are many more like her who accept this behaviour and many like me who did so for a long time, even saying “enough is enough” but then going back on that boundary because the resulting loneliness was unbearable.

He's choosing to call you names. He still thinks it's ok because you're annoying.

That means he expects you to avoid 'being annoying', to tip toe around him in case he gets annoyed, at which point he'll explode.

Texting you names is even worse than shouting names in an argument.

It's too late for second chances. Second chances are if someone's never done it before. He's done it regularly.

Get him gone.

It's not just the name calling though is it - it's the breaking things in temper and storming off in the car instead of keeping his temper and discussing the problem. Unless he stops doing all of these, your life is like walking on egg shells. FWIW I agree with you that he won't stop doing these things because hitherto there haven't been any consequences. I know it's hard because I've been there and given second chances etc.

he does it because he knows you’ll put up with it. It is abuse. If you lost your rag with him he’d stop.

i bet he doesn’t lose his shit when he’s put in a difficult position at work.

@wish44. Yes you are being incredibly naive to the detriment of the children. Its because you've had years of it ,it's broken you down.

Do you “have to give him a chance”?
how many chances and promises to change have you already given and accepted?

when is enough enough? Or does he know he can continue on like this safe in the knowledge you will always allow it after a meaningless apology?

He's told you he won't change though. He said if anyone annoys him he'll call them names. That means you.