Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husbands ex has texted him after 6 years of no contact with his kids! How do i deal with this

75 replies

mrsbell13 · 28/06/2022 17:38

My husband and i got together 6 years ago and at the time his ex did not allow him to introduce this two kids to me. After a month or so she just suddenly blocked him and moved away somewhere with the kids obviously unhappy with the situation of him and I. She was extremely nasty to us both being verbally abusive and making our lives hell. Time passed and we moved back to our home town as the kids were not around there wasn't much point living there any more. 6 years later she randomly texts him out the blue saying that his kids would like to speak to him. No apologies or anything for what she has done. Turns out they live in a town hours away from us. Now she texts him every other day sending pics of the kids and being over the top friendly towards my husband. My husband wants to keep everyone happy and get the chance to see his kids so feels obliged to keep her happy to reduce the risk of her taking the kids away again. I am miserable every time she messages him. She has even phoned him a couple of times out the blue to chit chat about the kids. Am I wrong to be really affected by this? She still does not like me and i doo not like her for what she has done. i feel threatened as she holds a lot of power with having the kids. I am scared and upset having to watch my husband speak to this woman all of the time. I told him to keep things to a minimum and only speak to her about arrangements for the kids but she continues to just message friendly conversations. what do i do?

OP posts:
CalistoNoSolo · 28/06/2022 17:41

Insecure much? Also, why are you with a person who so easily gave up on his children? He sounds like a scuzbucket to me - does he even pay child maintenance?

SandieCollins · 28/06/2022 17:42

You suck it up and support your husband to have contact with his kids. Don’t get into a pissing competition with ex wife and don’t get involved in the dynamic beyond being there to support him and the kids.

clpsmum · 28/06/2022 17:43

Why would you want to be with somebody that made no effort to see his kids for six year????

BreadInCaptivity · 28/06/2022 17:44

You don't do anything.

Regardless of his ex's behaviour, the children have a right to see their father.

It's up to your OH to set appropriate boundaries with her.

I'd also question why in 6 years did he not apply to the courts for contact?

She may well have been difficult/nasty but that's exactly why the courts are there to centre the best interests of the children, which means having contact with both parents (unless there are safeguarding concerns).

newbiename · 28/06/2022 17:44

How old are they ?
Can they make their own arrangements?
I'm another one thinking he should have fought to see them , not good enough.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/06/2022 17:44

Why are you with someone who cares so little about his own children?

Please don't get pregnant or he will do the same to you as soon as he gets a better offer.

it's not for you to deal with. It's for him to deal with.

TeapotTitties · 28/06/2022 17:44

She still does not like me and i doo not like her for what she has done. i feel threatened as she holds a lot of power with having the kids. I am scared and upset having to watch my husband speak to this woman all of the time.

All of this is completely irrelevant.

You married someone with kids and as much as it sounds like he doesn't really give a shit about them, your feelings of insecurity are your own issues to deal with.

IvanaTinkle2 · 28/06/2022 17:46

There's nothing you can do it about it really as it's the Mother to his kids and he wants to see them.
Obviously we don't know the full story with her taking the kids away so we can't judge on that really.

CheesusWept · 28/06/2022 17:46

What did he do in those 6 years to try to get access to his kids? Please tell me he did something… If not, this man is a monumental waste of space.

Louise0701 · 28/06/2022 17:46

Why are you with such a pathetic excuse for a man?

TheMadGardener · 28/06/2022 17:49

So, in the last 6 years did he go to court to fight for access to his kids?
Did he pay child maintenance regularly for the last 6 years?
If not, I have no sympathy for either of you.

tiredanddangerous · 28/06/2022 17:49

Don't have kids with this bloke no matter what you do.

TheAverageUser · 28/06/2022 17:49

I couldn't be with someone who just let his kids go out of his life for 6 years, awful.

Yes, YABU.

clpsmum · 28/06/2022 17:51

TheAverageUser · 28/06/2022 17:49

I couldn't be with someone who just let his kids go out of his life for 6 years, awful.

Yes, YABU.

This!

TheMushroom · 28/06/2022 17:52

Were you only happy being married to him as long as you could both pretend his kids didn't exist?

Sounds like now the pretence is over.

JuneJubilee · 28/06/2022 17:54

I'll ask what everyone wants to ask...
Did he have an affair with you?

Hapoydayz · 28/06/2022 17:56

So he didn’t pursue contact with his kids? You were aware and chose to be with a deadbeat? I wouldn’t worry about his ex giving updates on his kids I can’t imagine anyone else would want to be with him!

Unanananana · 28/06/2022 17:58

Oh wow. Where to start?

What do you see in a 'man' that abandoned his children? If he did go back to his ex, count yourself lucky!

Make sure your contraception is watertight.

itsmellslikepopcarn · 28/06/2022 17:59

You both sound like a right pair honestly. Suck it up and encourage your pretty pathetic excuse of a Dad DH to see his kids, like he should have fought to do years ago.

gingersplodgecat · 28/06/2022 18:05

They are his children. He is rightly putting them first at the moment, and building a relationship with them. If maintaining contact with them means that he has to be on good terms with their mother, then that is what he has to do.

Your feelings about the ex are irrelevant.

DO NOT drive a wedge between this man and his children.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 28/06/2022 18:05

You were perhaps secretly happy that the ex took his kids away. you sound very immature and insecure. Your DP is a horrible person who didn't see his kids for 6 years. How old are they? Did he pay child support or are you both playing happy families absolutely oblivious to the fact that he is a father?!

trevthecat · 28/06/2022 18:08

Why didn't he take her to court? He didn't fight for them. He walked away. I couldn't be with someone who did this

layladomino · 28/06/2022 18:13

Why would you want to be with a man who so easily gave up his children??

Why are you not thrilled he now wants to get back in touch with them?

His ex doesn't hold power over him just because she's the mother of his children. It is much better for the children if their parents can be civil and friendly with each other. Even if his ex wanted him back, so long as you trust him and you have a good relationship she is no threat.

Do you get the impression he wants more from the relationship than just parenting their children?

dudsville · 28/06/2022 18:13

Harsh responses, i don't entirely disagree, but i can see how hard it would be to watch a loved one have to engage with an abusive bully in orderto get access to his kids. To know that she's so vindictive and now a part of your life by default there's no way easy through that.

Original poster
mrsbell13 · 28/06/2022 18:15

Of course he has been paying child maintenance never missed it. Courts cost thousands of pounds which sadly is unaffordable for us

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread