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Original poster

Husbands ex has texted him after 6 years of no contact with his kids! How do i deal with this

75 replies

mrsbell13 · 28/06/2022 17:38

My husband and i got together 6 years ago and at the time his ex did not allow him to introduce this two kids to me. After a month or so she just suddenly blocked him and moved away somewhere with the kids obviously unhappy with the situation of him and I. She was extremely nasty to us both being verbally abusive and making our lives hell. Time passed and we moved back to our home town as the kids were not around there wasn't much point living there any more. 6 years later she randomly texts him out the blue saying that his kids would like to speak to him. No apologies or anything for what she has done. Turns out they live in a town hours away from us. Now she texts him every other day sending pics of the kids and being over the top friendly towards my husband. My husband wants to keep everyone happy and get the chance to see his kids so feels obliged to keep her happy to reduce the risk of her taking the kids away again. I am miserable every time she messages him. She has even phoned him a couple of times out the blue to chit chat about the kids. Am I wrong to be really affected by this? She still does not like me and i doo not like her for what she has done. i feel threatened as she holds a lot of power with having the kids. I am scared and upset having to watch my husband speak to this woman all of the time. I told him to keep things to a minimum and only speak to her about arrangements for the kids but she continues to just message friendly conversations. what do i do?

OP posts:
mirrorballer · 28/06/2022 18:18

I really can't imagine being with someone who walks away from his children. What a charmer he must be. 😞

ClocksGoingBackwards · 28/06/2022 18:18

You realise that you and he haven’t exactly covered yourselves in glory here?

What sort of a man puts his new girlfriend ahead of being a parent to his own children, even if (especially if) his ex is being crazy?

You feel insecure when she messages because something inside you realises that if he can abandon his kids that easily, he can do it to you too.

Hapoydayz · 28/06/2022 18:19

Courts do not cost thousands. You can put in an application for £200 and proceed. Did you really not have £200 available in the last 6 years?

clpsmum · 28/06/2022 18:20

Not all child access cases cost a lot of money. The fact he didn't even enquire about the costs speaks volumes

SuperTea · 28/06/2022 18:21

She's the mother of his children, this is how it's suppsed to be.

You either stay and support him in rebuilding the relationship with his children or if you can't deal with not being able to pretend they (and their mother) don't exist, you have to leave.

You/her feelings for each other and the friendly texts are of no consequence if he can be trusted.

TeapotTitties · 28/06/2022 18:22

mrsbell13 · 28/06/2022 18:15

Of course he has been paying child maintenance never missed it. Courts cost thousands of pounds which sadly is unaffordable for us

Is that what he told you or was it what you told him?

CornishTiger · 28/06/2022 18:22

Child arrangement order costs £200.

SuperTea · 28/06/2022 18:24

Plus an initial application the the court costs less than a weekend away, a couple of meals out, new coat and shoes, new TV. Have you really not had money for any of that for 6 years? Did he even try?

IncompleteSenten · 28/06/2022 18:24

What you do is support him to see his children as much as he can.

Louise0701 · 28/06/2022 18:25

Didn’t moving house cost you thousands? @mrsbell13 he needed to get his priorities in check and you need to raise your standards!

imsuchawally · 28/06/2022 18:28

I don't think you will get any sympathy here op. How much has he tried to contact his kids over the last 6 years? What were the mothers reasons for leaving? How much encouragement did you give him to fight for his kids?

You should sound relieved about this. You just sound so insecure.

What do you do keep out of it. You let this man try to repair the relationship with his kids. You don't make it hard. You don't have to like the ex but you respect that she has been bringing up his children on her own for the last 6 years and she does have a say in this and she absolutely does need to communicate with the father of her children.

They are the ones reaching out to him and I would need to be absolutely certain my children were going to be a priority in their father life after being absent for 6 years - regardless of circumstances.

You have to accept this OP. If your marriage is solid and full of trust then you should have no issues with this. Unfortunately it doesn't sound the case here, your insecurities left when she was out of the picture.

Ultimately, this isn't about you. His priorities should absolutely be those kids.

Toottooot · 28/06/2022 18:33

Poor geets with such an uninterested da and a jealous step ma

MiniPiccolo · 28/06/2022 18:37

Why didn't he try and get access rights? His ex is a piece of work, but you partner is also.

Do you not think he's as much of an arse for not fighting to see his kids? He's pathetic.

SuperTea · 28/06/2022 18:41

This thread has got me madder than these threads usually do.

He didn't even try to keep in touch with DC because it costs thousands, which it doesn't and suggests he didn't even bother finding out what his option were.

You moved house on the assumption that they were gone forever (cost?l)

Then when they do get in touch, rather than seeing it as fantastic news, there's this.

MiniPiccolo · 28/06/2022 18:43

mrsbell13 · 28/06/2022 18:15

Of course he has been paying child maintenance never missed it. Courts cost thousands of pounds which sadly is unaffordable for us

It costs hundreds, not thousands. And even if thousands - why wasn't he saving? Or getting a better job? And 6 years ago he probably would've been entitled to legal aid if you were so broke.

I'd be ashamed if I were either of you. The poor kids.

SuperTea · 28/06/2022 18:43

I hope no one's told the kids he didn't even try because of the cost😥

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 28/06/2022 18:47

mrsbell13 · 28/06/2022 18:15

Of course he has been paying child maintenance never missed it. Courts cost thousands of pounds which sadly is unaffordable for us

No they don't and never have. So neither one of you ever bothered even a simple Google.

I hope you don't have children .

AMindNeedsBooks · 28/06/2022 18:53

He absolutely should have tried to go court, he could have self represented if need be.

However, what type of mother moves her children away so they can't see their Dad because she's jealous and gives the Dad and his partner nothing but abuse? An awful one! Cannot stand 'parents' like that.

OP you are feeling insecure but it's only the children who matter here. Both of you need to do the right thing and support these children because clearly their mother cares more about herself than their emotional wellbeing. Your DH will likely have to keep jumping through hoops for a bit incase she does it again so I would try to get at least some communication through email then a court order will be more straight forward.

SunshineAndFizz · 28/06/2022 19:02

Wow. This can't be real.

You're unhappy that your deadbeat partner is finally back in his kids lives? And is speaking to his ex in a reasonable and amicable manner?

AMindNeedsBooks · 28/06/2022 19:03

@mrsbell13 Join this site for advice and support www.bswc.co.uk/

Eddiesferret · 28/06/2022 19:19

There is an easy solution to this but it requires your partner spending £215 and filling in a form. Going to court and explaining that he wants contact with his kids.

Order granted . No need to pander to anyone .

Job done..

The BIG question is though.. an he be arsed ????

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 28/06/2022 19:56

clpsmum · 28/06/2022 17:43

Why would you want to be with somebody that made no effort to see his kids for six year????

I’m wondering this too. I would struggle to respect and be friends with someone like this never mind more - if is how he treats his children, the people he is supposed to conditional love, how will he treat others.

Louise0701 · 28/06/2022 20:31

@AMindNeedsBooks in all fairness, we’ve only had dads new girlfriends side of the story..

JustLyra · 28/06/2022 20:40

mrsbell13 · 28/06/2022 18:15

Of course he has been paying child maintenance never missed it. Courts cost thousands of pounds which sadly is unaffordable for us

Court doesn’t have to cost thousands. He could ha s represented himself. It says a lot that he didn’t even do enough research to know this.

Dont interfere with his relationship with his children. You’ve had him to yourself for 6 years. It’s their turn for some time now.

oldstudentmum · 28/06/2022 20:45

As someone who’s ex is like this flaky bullshitter husband of yours. He sounds exactly like my ex. Mine used all the excuses I stopped him etc blah blah . He was far to busy and important to get a court order. So I did he went all to all the meetings courts gave him less than I had suggested to him, go figure. He didn’t bother with the order at all! The next lady believing everything he told her of course I was crazy etc. no maintenance was paid for years totalling 25k arrears. Years later when the same was done to her apologised to me and told me she was insecure and was partly to blame for him not bothering with the children.
However Over the past year he has been financially supporting our children but has seen them a total of 5 hrs in the course of 8 months. How do you think those children feel? I bet bloody rejected.
why didn’t he apply for a prohibited steps order? Don’t you think children ask questions like where’s dad is he seeing us on our birthday, is dad seeing us at Christmas? Did he send presents etc? Or give excuses? I’ll bet excuses
I shall quote obi wan kenobi “ who’s more foolish? The fool ?or the fool who follows.”