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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husbands ex has texted him after 6 years of no contact with his kids! How do i deal with this

75 replies

mrsbell13 · 28/06/2022 17:38

My husband and i got together 6 years ago and at the time his ex did not allow him to introduce this two kids to me. After a month or so she just suddenly blocked him and moved away somewhere with the kids obviously unhappy with the situation of him and I. She was extremely nasty to us both being verbally abusive and making our lives hell. Time passed and we moved back to our home town as the kids were not around there wasn't much point living there any more. 6 years later she randomly texts him out the blue saying that his kids would like to speak to him. No apologies or anything for what she has done. Turns out they live in a town hours away from us. Now she texts him every other day sending pics of the kids and being over the top friendly towards my husband. My husband wants to keep everyone happy and get the chance to see his kids so feels obliged to keep her happy to reduce the risk of her taking the kids away again. I am miserable every time she messages him. She has even phoned him a couple of times out the blue to chit chat about the kids. Am I wrong to be really affected by this? She still does not like me and i doo not like her for what she has done. i feel threatened as she holds a lot of power with having the kids. I am scared and upset having to watch my husband speak to this woman all of the time. I told him to keep things to a minimum and only speak to her about arrangements for the kids but she continues to just message friendly conversations. what do i do?

OP posts:
Pattypatience · 28/06/2022 20:59

Poor kids.. so sad for them. Make that man into a good father.. think of them kids

boopdeflouff · 28/06/2022 21:22

Ugh.

We have a friend who genuinely found himself in the situation where his ex took his kids away. International moves were involved and her family refused to divulge information. He spent all of his spare time trying to find them, worked his backside off and then for years spent all of his annual leave travelling around (with his mother) looking for them. It took him 3 years but he eventually found them and they are now a very regular part of each other's lives.

Your husband does not sound anything like our friend, and I could not be with someone who behaved like this towards his children.

frozendaisy · 28/06/2022 21:31

So when does he get to see his children he has been paying for for 6 years?

Onthedunes · 28/06/2022 21:57

You know that feling you had op , you know 6 years ago, that elated feeling when he picked you over her and the children.

Well, her confidence has returned after being abandonned with two kids and it looks like now she's allowing access for the sake of her children and at the same time annoying the shit out of you.

She's gonna milk it
Happy days.

She must have had it hard on her own for 6 years having to be both parents to her children, and her children must have missed their father so why can you only see this from your own point of view.

I wonder if she wants him back.

katieg03 · 28/06/2022 22:35

Onthedunes · 28/06/2022 21:57

You know that feling you had op , you know 6 years ago, that elated feeling when he picked you over her and the children.

Well, her confidence has returned after being abandonned with two kids and it looks like now she's allowing access for the sake of her children and at the same time annoying the shit out of you.

She's gonna milk it
Happy days.

She must have had it hard on her own for 6 years having to be both parents to her children, and her children must have missed their father so why can you only see this from your own point of view.

I wonder if she wants him back.

This 💙

BouncingTriangle · 28/06/2022 23:45

ClocksGoingBackwards · 28/06/2022 18:18

You realise that you and he haven’t exactly covered yourselves in glory here?

What sort of a man puts his new girlfriend ahead of being a parent to his own children, even if (especially if) his ex is being crazy?

You feel insecure when she messages because something inside you realises that if he can abandon his kids that easily, he can do it to you too.

I think the ladies on MN, especially the misandrists criticising the OP's DH, don't have a clear understanding of what is like for a man to fight for child custody.

You need to spend easily tens of thousands £ to hope to have a court order that can allow you to spend some time with your children (far from 50%). Note that your ex-wife can afford a much better legal representational as, in most cases, she won't be the one paying for it.
Even after a court order, your ex-wife can systematically violate the court orders with absolute impunity.
And if the fight gets nasty, as you are very well aware, you expose yourself to the risk of false DV accusation. If your ex is even crazier (which seems to be the case here) the accusation could be promoted to SA or, why not, ra*e.

At the end of the day you won't see your children anyway, walk away much poorer and with some nice criminal charges.

Some men decide to give up simply because it's an unwinnable game.

Onthedunes · 29/06/2022 00:19

The absolute crap some men come out with to explain how neglegent, pathetic, disloyal and fucking useless as fathers they are is laughable.

Bollocks, help the children you father.

altmember · 29/06/2022 00:36

clpsmum · 28/06/2022 17:43

Why would you want to be with somebody that made no effort to see his kids for six year????

If a mother doesn't want her ex to be part of their children's lives, it's pretty easy for her to make that happen. And it's very, very difficult for fathers to get meaningful contact back.

It really isn't as simple as just filling in a court application. First of all you need to locate them (as in the OP's case the ex moved away with the kids leaving no contact address). Court process for that, and if you're lucky they'll be located. Assuming the mother doesn't then claim domestic abuse to try and prevent the contact details being shared.

Then you can apply for a CAO. But by then the kids will have lost regular contact with their dad (and even if the mother hasn't claimed abuse), the court is unlikely to immediately award unsupervised contact to start with. It'll be a gentle reintroduction - occasional supervised contact, probably at a contact centre.

Then the mother has to actually comply with the contact order - how unfortunate DD or DS happens to be ill on contact day. If you're lucky you'll find that out in advance, otherwise you'll be waiting in a contact centre (that you've paid to use) to find out you've been stood up. That'll probably happen repeatedly, and you'll never build up the supervised contact to a point where unsupervised contact will be granted. Sure, fathers can go back to court to try and get the order enforced, but that's another battle in itself.

My guess is that in this case the OP's partner's ex has come out of the woodwork either because she's decided she wants some child free time, or because the kids have nagged her into submission about seeing their dad. Seriously doubt it's her conscience alone that's caught up with her.

Ex is still being manipulative and controlling here though. After 6 years though, the kids must both be old enough to use skype/facetime/zoom by themselves. So there's no reason for the parents to have direct contact with each other - just video call the kids.

Onthedunes · 29/06/2022 00:47

How often does that actually happen though, where the mother dissapears off the face of the earth ?

Most feckless dads i've seen know exactly where the kids are, the whole town/city knows where they are and they also know the fathers have fucked off and are enjoying their next relationship or being single.

Loads of crap fathers are more interested in feathering their new nest or booking stupid boys holidays right up until middle age.

Children need to know they are wanted or at least not forgotten, it is the father's responsibility to do all he can to see and keep the bond with his own offspring.

You made them, look after them, show them you love them.

BouncingTriangle · 29/06/2022 01:10

> You made them, look after them, show them you love them.

Cognitive dissonance?

It looks like you want your cake and eat it. You have a wonderful family court system in favour of women, that more often than not deprives men of their parental rights, but then at the same time you want men to fight to death, spend all their money to fight in court to have some visitation to their kids (which as I said they won't get anyway).

Make up your mind.

Onthedunes · 29/06/2022 01:18

You know the score.

If you don't want children and to stick around and father them with the mother, then wear a condom, don't have a relationship or wait till you're mature enough to know that bringing a child into this world should be a little more than an after thought of having a good time.

The courts favour mothers because in 99% of cases it is the mother who is the responsive, responsible and reliable constant in the child'd life.

BouncingTriangle · 29/06/2022 01:58

Yup sure, we live in a world where all women are responsible, loving and devoted to their offspring, while all men are neglegent, pathetic, disloyal and useless.

Fine. If that's the case, if as you say 99% of the cases go in favour of the mother (I don't think it's so extreme), then why even bothering fight for custody with a slim 1% chance of winning? I would just give up straight away.

The truth is that some men would love to "stick around", but they are not allowed to by the legal system.

BreadInCaptivity · 29/06/2022 02:04

mrsbell13 · 28/06/2022 18:15

Of course he has been paying child maintenance never missed it. Courts cost thousands of pounds which sadly is unaffordable for us

The fact you state this shows how little you and your partner have researched your options...and assessed your priorities.

I'm pretty unsympathetic to your situation.

I'm a step-mother and wouldn't have touched DH with a barge pole if he hadn't been a good father to his children from his prior relationship (and that includes paying way above CMS obligations), being hands on and working with his ex to co-parent - even when she tested him/us to our limits (over an admittedly brief period of about 12 months when she met a new man who promised her the earth but was literally a used car salesman in his job and the way he presented his "flashy" life - that she we were expected to fund re: multiple "investments" no we didn't fall for it but Ex did and spent ££ on the buggr).

BreadInCaptivity · 29/06/2022 02:15

BouncingTriangle · 29/06/2022 01:10

> You made them, look after them, show them you love them.

Cognitive dissonance?

It looks like you want your cake and eat it. You have a wonderful family court system in favour of women, that more often than not deprives men of their parental rights, but then at the same time you want men to fight to death, spend all their money to fight in court to have some visitation to their kids (which as I said they won't get anyway).

Make up your mind.

Frankly that's an outdated perception.

The courts now (safeguarding aside) recognise the right of the child to have contact with both parents.

The idea it's all stacked against the father is frankly nonsense.

People make up so much rubbish on these threads or are blinded by their own experience (and their own failings).

How many family court orders have you seen?

BreadInCaptivity · 29/06/2022 02:18

Onthedunes · 29/06/2022 01:18

You know the score.

If you don't want children and to stick around and father them with the mother, then wear a condom, don't have a relationship or wait till you're mature enough to know that bringing a child into this world should be a little more than an after thought of having a good time.

The courts favour mothers because in 99% of cases it is the mother who is the responsive, responsible and reliable constant in the child'd life.

Not true in my experience.

The courts favour contact with both parents unless there is a safeguarding issue.

Lostmybendystraw · 29/06/2022 05:43

My brothers ex did this to him. He worked three jobs to be able to support them and go to court and fight to see them. He sees them all the time now and is very close to them.

ClocksGoingBackwards · 29/06/2022 07:31

BouncingTriangle · 28/06/2022 23:45

I think the ladies on MN, especially the misandrists criticising the OP's DH, don't have a clear understanding of what is like for a man to fight for child custody.

You need to spend easily tens of thousands £ to hope to have a court order that can allow you to spend some time with your children (far from 50%). Note that your ex-wife can afford a much better legal representational as, in most cases, she won't be the one paying for it.
Even after a court order, your ex-wife can systematically violate the court orders with absolute impunity.
And if the fight gets nasty, as you are very well aware, you expose yourself to the risk of false DV accusation. If your ex is even crazier (which seems to be the case here) the accusation could be promoted to SA or, why not, ra*e.

At the end of the day you won't see your children anyway, walk away much poorer and with some nice criminal charges.

Some men decide to give up simply because it's an unwinnable game.

According to the OP, the ex upped and left with her children after OP and her partner had been seeing each other for a month.

However much court costs, breaking up with a girlfriend you’ve been seeing for month is free.

If OP is telling the truth and her partner was a model father until he met her and his ex went crazy, he wouldn’t have allowed a new partner of a few weeks to completely destroy his parenting relationship with his children.

The man had options and he should have taken them. And FWIW, I do have direct experience of a man in my family having to fight through courts for access to his children. I realise it’s not easy or cheap, but it is doable even for a man on minimum wage.

OhmygodDont · 29/06/2022 08:22

Court would of cost less than your wedding, less than moving house.

he has children it’s about time he was actually there for them rather than sticking his head in sand.

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 29/06/2022 08:26

Onthedunes · 28/06/2022 21:57

You know that feling you had op , you know 6 years ago, that elated feeling when he picked you over her and the children.

Well, her confidence has returned after being abandonned with two kids and it looks like now she's allowing access for the sake of her children and at the same time annoying the shit out of you.

She's gonna milk it
Happy days.

She must have had it hard on her own for 6 years having to be both parents to her children, and her children must have missed their father so why can you only see this from your own point of view.

I wonder if she wants him back.

Well if she does want him back her self esteem must still be in a gutter. No women in a good place would accept a man who abandons his children.

BouncingTriangle · 29/06/2022 09:33

> How many family court orders have you seen?

I saw one case involving a relative, a number of years ago. It was more than enough to convince me to never have children.

wellhelloitsme · 29/06/2022 09:37

He could afford to relocate and to get married but couldn't afford to try to keep access to his own children? Not even to try? Blimey.

Spohn · 30/06/2022 19:31

Aww, are you thinking he ditched his kids so easily, how easy will it be for him to discard you, too? Oh well 😄

You believed him that court was ‘too expensive’? Mortified for you.

Spohn · 30/06/2022 19:43

@BouncingTriangle parents don’t have rights.

pastypirate · 30/06/2022 19:51

mrsbell13 · 28/06/2022 18:15

Of course he has been paying child maintenance never missed it. Courts cost thousands of pounds which sadly is unaffordable for us

No they don't the application is about £215.

decayingmatter · 30/06/2022 20:15

I'm just trying to imagine a world where my child's other parent suddenly blocks me and moves for no reason, and responding by sighing and saying 'oh well' and just living my best life. Easy come, easy go eh!

I've been to court 3 times respectively for various issues relating to my DC's arrangements. The total fees for all 3 applications cost me less than one months mortgage payment.

There is nothing for you to be insecure about, because your husband is a waste of space. The only emotion that he should draw from you is contempt.

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