I no longer feel like I want to be intimate with my wife

[Tryingman]

I have got to a point where I no longer want to be intimate with my wife.

I am upset by this, because I want to be a loving husband, but I feel the spark has gone.

I don't know what to do because I am not interested in other women. So its not like I want to be with someone else. I want to still feel intimately attracted to my wife. I just don't.

When we first met over 10 years ago, we had a very normal relationship, we would go out a lot, socialise with other people, had a very active sex life and so on.

However about 5 years ago she decided she wanted to move closer to her family (we were living in the area we first met).

This meant one of us (me) had to relocate away from where I had spentthe previous 12 years. Leaving behind a lot of friends, finding a new job and moving even further away from my own family. But I did it because I wanted her to be happy. It's also probably worth noting that where we relocated to is a lot more expensive meaning we now have a much bigger mortgage and a much smaller house.

Since we moved, I feel like she has become a bit lazy. In that what I mean is that I probably do 70% of the cooking, I do the shopping, the ironing, I look after the garden, I do a lot of housework (I even clean the bathroom). I guess at first when we moved, I did this to fill the time as I didn't have much to do round here. But over time it has become the norm now.

We have a child together who is now 1 year old. My wife took a full year off work, and has decided to go back only part time to save on child care. The option of me working part time was never discussed lol. This of course has placed extra pressure on me to support us financially meaning I have taken a more stressful job because it pays more. And yet sometimes when I have to work late, she gets upset because she might miss her Zumba class.

I feel I am a very supportive father, so much so that often whilst my wife was on maternity leave, I was the one up with the baby at night feeding them (they were predominantly formula fed) I would also finish work then do the evening feeds, bathtime and put them to bed. Then often I would tidy the house and do the dinner whilst my wife caught up with the TV or seeing her friends/family.

Anyway, I am trying to figure out. Is it that I am just not attracted to my wife physically now or perhaps because I am resenting her a little, in that I feel like I am more of a provider for her needs now than her lover.

If anyone has any advice, or has experienced this before. Please pass this on.

I'd suggest you start the whole 'date night' thing.

You've stopped seeing each other as the partner you fell for, and started seeing each other as provider/resource/mother/father etc.

'Who does what' is a bit of a red herring, particularly the Zumba class bit. When you've been all day attached to a child, the opportunity to go out alone is precious. I quite literally used to feel anxious while I was out, because it felt like I'd forgotten something. That's the level of 'never alone' she's dealing with.

You sound a bit depressed, from isolation and pressure. I'd discuss that/seek treatment/counselling.

Basically you're suffering from a bit of everything, and need a bit of a reset- both of you.

Try and discuss it without it sounding like you blame her.

Does your wife do any of the house work apart from 30% cooking?

Have you talked to her about how you feel you're doing more than your share?

And there's nothing to stop you looking at your hours and requesting flexible working, or part time. You'd need to do the maths, obviously.
'DW, I've realised that if you did three days a week and I did four, we'd save on child care and could have the same standard of living.'

Hi. Thanks for your reply. Yes she does also contribute. I just felt I should mention it as I have seen a few similar posts where the replies often appear like the expectation is the woman is doing it all. Its just the fact that I work full time and she works 2, yet I am still probably doing at least half if not more

What do you mean "I even clean the bathroom" - do you not shit and shower in there? Or is there some special bathroom cleaning method that involves having a vagina? 😒

You sound like you're carrying resentment and I'm guessing you haven't ever mentioned it. You use passive language, for example "me going part time was never discussed" rather than "I chose not to discuss my reducing my hours".

You need a frank discussion about having equal leisure time but it sounds like the tasks are fairly evenly distributed on the face of what you've written here.

what do you mean i even clean the bathroom?

I would like to apologise for the comment regarding cleaning the bathroom, as this now appears to have become a bigger topic than the topic itself. My point was that I don't just do the washing up once a week. As I had seen in a few other posts the assumption that wives seem to do most of the housework. Which may or may not be the case for many couples. My point want simply that I do a lot at home as well as work full time

Is she doing the majority of the care for your baby. That's a full time job in its own right.

It sounds like you're not voicing your own needs therefore communication is the issue.

You won't get much sympathy on here simply because you are a man. I'm in exactly the same situation as you but as a woman I'd have a totally different set of comments.

I totally get you with the clean the bathroom thing, I'm working up to 60 hours a week over 7 days yet I still do the cleaning at home and yes, I completely resent working the hardest and still being the skivvy in the house.

I can't speak for you but in my experience it's both, I'm not attracted to him and resent him a great deal. Only you can say how you feel but being the breadwinner and a domestic goddess has taken its toll on me and I'm looking for a way out.

My genuine advice would be to hire some help for the house if it’s feasible. Whether it be a cleaner to come in once a week, a gardener, or just someone who does the ironing. It sounds like you both have a lot on your plate and sometimes it can be best to outsource things.

Also, try not to fall into the trap of blaming your partner by referring to her as ‘lazy’ etc. The blame game won’t fix anything.

Being a stay at home parent + a part time job is probably equal to the workload of working full-time, it’s just a different set up. You seem to hold a little resentment for the fact you work full time and she part time - although I could be wrong. But if this is the case, sit down and discuss whether she’d like to return to full time and you switch to part-time - if you do this you might also realise she’s not been so lazy after all.

You are saying she is only working part time, but if she's looking after a baby the rest of the time she's working just as much as you are. So you should be doing 50% of the housework.

Intimacy goes when resentment builds. It sounds like that’s your main issue.

From your post I’m seeing a lack of communication between you too.

You need to talk. And see what she is doing for childcare and housework in terms of time spent. Presumably when you’re working she is doing childcare so you need to work out equal leisure time and make sure you are not expecting your wife to take on everything because she’s part time. But, she does have three days a week when she could be doing more, so you need to work out a fair split.

First, caring for a baby is a full time job. Only it's harder, more intense, and 24/7.

"Even clean the bathroom" makes it sound as if it's below you. But not below her. (Does it mean you're not equals?)

Finally, what would you like to happen? What would be a good life for you?

Tell your wife she is taking the piss!

Your whole post screams resentment. This is why you aren't intimate.
I'm also sure she has no idea. So you can't expect change if you don't communicate.
You need to communicate. Get help to do that if you need to.
You want change you have have to talk about it

It sounds like you feel like you are pulling your weight as a provider in a stressful job (moved to be nearer her family) and also around the house, whilst your wife works part time and is the primary carer for your dc.

It sounds like you are feeling unappreciated, which I get. It sounds like you both need to reconnect and try and establish a new normal now you have a dc on the scene.

As you moved to be closer to her family do they help out at all? Can you get a cleaner in to take some of the pressure off you?

She sounds lazy and I'd be pretty resentful too if I had a husband like this. Do you want to make things work out? Because if you do you need to talk to her and tell her you need more support.

You are feeling resentful and I honestly don’t blame you!

The OP has made it clear that when he comes home he takes over baby tasks and then cleans the house afterwards as well as doing most of the cooking. He has also said he did the night feeds. So no, in this case, the mum is not doing 24/7 baby care at all

The OP says he did the night wakings & evening feed, bath and bed. He knows what it's like to care for a baby, and certainly far more than a lot of men.

It's not and I'm single mum to three

Sux2buthen · Today 17:46
Toddlerteaplease
Is she doing the majority of the care for your baby. That's a full time job in its own right.
It's not and I'm single mum to three

Not sure how you figure this. I wonder why we bother paying childcare providers then, if looking after babies isn't actual work.

I didn't say it's not work, I said it's not a full time job.
Irrelevant anyway, the OP won't get that many supportive replies because he's a he.