I no longer feel like I want to be intimate with my wife

[Tryingman]

I have got to a point where I no longer want to be intimate with my wife.

I am upset by this, because I want to be a loving husband, but I feel the spark has gone.

I don't know what to do because I am not interested in other women. So its not like I want to be with someone else. I want to still feel intimately attracted to my wife. I just don't.

When we first met over 10 years ago, we had a very normal relationship, we would go out a lot, socialise with other people, had a very active sex life and so on.

However about 5 years ago she decided she wanted to move closer to her family (we were living in the area we first met).

This meant one of us (me) had to relocate away from where I had spentthe previous 12 years. Leaving behind a lot of friends, finding a new job and moving even further away from my own family. But I did it because I wanted her to be happy. It's also probably worth noting that where we relocated to is a lot more expensive meaning we now have a much bigger mortgage and a much smaller house.

Since we moved, I feel like she has become a bit lazy. In that what I mean is that I probably do 70% of the cooking, I do the shopping, the ironing, I look after the garden, I do a lot of housework (I even clean the bathroom). I guess at first when we moved, I did this to fill the time as I didn't have much to do round here. But over time it has become the norm now.

We have a child together who is now 1 year old. My wife took a full year off work, and has decided to go back only part time to save on child care. The option of me working part time was never discussed lol. This of course has placed extra pressure on me to support us financially meaning I have taken a more stressful job because it pays more. And yet sometimes when I have to work late, she gets upset because she might miss her Zumba class.

I feel I am a very supportive father, so much so that often whilst my wife was on maternity leave, I was the one up with the baby at night feeding them (they were predominantly formula fed) I would also finish work then do the evening feeds, bathtime and put them to bed. Then often I would tidy the house and do the dinner whilst my wife caught up with the TV or seeing her friends/family.

Anyway, I am trying to figure out. Is it that I am just not attracted to my wife physically now or perhaps because I am resenting her a little, in that I feel like I am more of a provider for her needs now than her lover.

If anyone has any advice, or has experienced this before. Please pass this on.

Don't play "who has the worst life" there are no winners. You should contribute to house as you live there as should wife but bare in mind when she not working she is with your child it's not easy trying to do housework around a lo. You sound resentful about move? It's understandable dw wants family around as she raises lo but it must be hard for you.? Have you considered you might be depressed and this is impacting on your sex drive. Maybe visit gp? You could try couples counselling or strip it back, start dating again and get to know dw also do you make time for yourself? See friends or do hobbies?

There are a few things going on here I think.
When I moved to a new area to be with my husband and close to his family and friends it took me a very long time to settle. I felt resentment whenever we had an argument 'I've moved away from all my friends and now xyz'. But I got over it because ultimately- it was my decision to move there. You also agreed to move with your wife. You have to make an effort to make new friends and make it work for you. Resenting living there isn't good for anyone, least of all you.
Secondly you have a small child - you are in the trenches. Yes that's great you're doing most of the housework as your partner is doing most of the childcare. That's how it is. You have a few choices here, stop doing as much housework and live in a shit tip (lower your standards) or get a cleaner and cut back on outgoings elsewhere. Have you tried to clean when looking after a 1 year old?
Also - during the time when you are together, it's nice to have family time, give each other a break and also tag team to get stuff done / organised. Why don't you set aside 2 hours on a Saturday morning where one of you clean or batch cook while the other one looks after the baby.
It's hard finding the balance with a small child, you are finding your feet with your partner.
Oh, and the 'even clean the bathroom' was a strange comment. Why wouldn't you clean your bathroom? It's your bathroom!!! Would you normally just expect someone else to clean your bathroom? I don't get it.

You need to talk to her about it. Maybe you can reach a compromise then, but it sure as hell won't happen if you don't.

Currently you're just tallying up a score card against her which won't help improve the situation better between the two of you. All that leads to is resentment.

The difference is, all my husband did was work. I did ALL the childcare, all night, every night. Every dinner. Every other meal. My daughter is now 6 and my DH has still never even given her a bath. I also did all the housework (still do).

^ I am not sure that this is something to be held up as a good example tbh. Many people manage to cook dinner and help with bath time even when working full time.

Op have you ever expressed any of your resentment to your wife? Is she questioning your lack of sex life? Do you show any of your feelings or pretend everything is ok? Tbh, useful though other people's perspectives are, instead of writing all of this down on Mumsnet, the far better thing would be to have an open discussion with your DW.

But before you do that, send your DW away for an entire weekend and look after your child, by yourself, for two days eight hours straight each day (or however long you are out of the house for on a working day ) and see realistically how much housework and cooking you manage to get done yourself before you judge her. And whether you feel desperate for her to come home and take over in the evening? Or desperate to get to an exercise class? I don't mean this in a snippy way at all. You may get loads done! But the reality of looking after a small child alone day after day can be quite isolating and depressing and different from how it is viewed from the outside.

Another suggestion would be for you both to go part time and do equal shares in everything! Then there will be no room for resentment to build up.