I no longer feel like I want to be intimate with my wife

[Tryingman]

I have got to a point where I no longer want to be intimate with my wife.

I am upset by this, because I want to be a loving husband, but I feel the spark has gone.

I don't know what to do because I am not interested in other women. So its not like I want to be with someone else. I want to still feel intimately attracted to my wife. I just don't.

When we first met over 10 years ago, we had a very normal relationship, we would go out a lot, socialise with other people, had a very active sex life and so on.

However about 5 years ago she decided she wanted to move closer to her family (we were living in the area we first met).

This meant one of us (me) had to relocate away from where I had spentthe previous 12 years. Leaving behind a lot of friends, finding a new job and moving even further away from my own family. But I did it because I wanted her to be happy. It's also probably worth noting that where we relocated to is a lot more expensive meaning we now have a much bigger mortgage and a much smaller house.

Since we moved, I feel like she has become a bit lazy. In that what I mean is that I probably do 70% of the cooking, I do the shopping, the ironing, I look after the garden, I do a lot of housework (I even clean the bathroom). I guess at first when we moved, I did this to fill the time as I didn't have much to do round here. But over time it has become the norm now.

We have a child together who is now 1 year old. My wife took a full year off work, and has decided to go back only part time to save on child care. The option of me working part time was never discussed lol. This of course has placed extra pressure on me to support us financially meaning I have taken a more stressful job because it pays more. And yet sometimes when I have to work late, she gets upset because she might miss her Zumba class.

I feel I am a very supportive father, so much so that often whilst my wife was on maternity leave, I was the one up with the baby at night feeding them (they were predominantly formula fed) I would also finish work then do the evening feeds, bathtime and put them to bed. Then often I would tidy the house and do the dinner whilst my wife caught up with the TV or seeing her friends/family.

Anyway, I am trying to figure out. Is it that I am just not attracted to my wife physically now or perhaps because I am resenting her a little, in that I feel like I am more of a provider for her needs now than her lover.

If anyone has any advice, or has experienced this before. Please pass this on.

Sounds as if you've become the parent figure, taking on most of the responsibilities, meeting all of her needs without her considering yours. You need to discuss this imbalance with her, which she may not like as she has got used to the status quo. But it's a conversation you must have if you want to rekindle your desire.

It’s hard to say as your post is only your perspective. Is she really living a stress free and fun life whilst you are working yourself into the ground? Either:

1. she is doing stuff that you don’t realise she’s doing

2. she is living stress free and thinks you are too

3. she is taking advantage

1 and 2 are fixable. 3 is not so fixable.

you will really have to sit down with her and talk it through to find out exactly what is going on.

Personally I think she’s taking the piss, one child is not all time consuming there is plenty of spare time to do the routine cleaning and cooking alongside childcare.
I had 4 , that was pretty busy and I only had 3 months maternity leave then back to 3 12 hour shifts a week nursing.

I appreciate your response. I think maybe where we see things differently is that aren't relationships supposed to be about compromise. I sacrificed a lot for her, because her happiness is important to me. But now we have moved to where she wants to live. I feel there is a lack of compromise. What has she sacrificed in return for me? She lives where she wants, she only works 2 days a week. Agreed she is looking after our child on those other 3 days, we share the responsibility at the weekend, although it would be fair to say she sees the weekend as her days off. But I would love to be in her position. And I am sorry, but I work 8 hours a day. The other 16 hours I am still a parent. I don't just go to work, come home and put my feet up until I go to work the next day. As I said in my original post, when I finish work, I take over the parenting so she can have some down time. The irony is that I agreed to leave the place where we both lived before, so that she could be here with her family and her school friends etc. Yet if I say I want to go back to see my old friends for a weekend (which is very rare), usually she gets in a mood about it and makes me feel guilty for doing so. Essentially the point I am making, is that I feel I have shown her how much I appreciate her, yet I feel I am getting nothing back. Which is probably why I am "punishing" her as you put it. I should probably just do everything she expects and be grateful to have such a thoughtful and considerate wife right?

Hello OP

First - I would ignore the rather more aggressive replies. It's a bit unhelpful because none of us have a clue about the actual balance of work going on here. Depends on the baby and the full-time job! I've had absolutely full-time brutal jobs and really easy ones, and I could personaly do housework while looking after my young kids, but they were extremely laid back and some aren't.

The point here is in any case your perception and the impact it is having. You are concerned that deep down, your anger is blocking attraction. It sounds as though you feel you have lost yourself, have been pushed to capitulate too much in favour of your wife's preferences, and that you feel something unfair is happening to you. No reader can act as judge and jury on the situation, but you are right to take action if you have these feelings and they are a blocker to your romantic feelings. A few things occur.

• Having a baby is a nadir for many people's sex life, sleep and general behaviour. Try to think through - are your feelings about this very acute period, or something more/longer standing?
• What do you want? What are your values? What do you enjoy? Are you OK living where you are, in your job, in everything else? You express your dissatisfaction but I don't hear what you are looking for as a person. You say your wife does Zumba - are there things you do for yourself that are meaningful to you? I think you need to think this through because you need to separate out where you have responsibility for action and where you maybe to ask something different of your wife.
• Do you ever say anything to your wife about your resentments? Do you speak up, say "it's your turn to do the bins" or "I feel you get far more time off than me" if that's what you feel? She might of course not agree - but you have to start this conversation over something real.
• I also wonder what your wife feels about your sex life? I really have to say that I felt (and looked) like a knackered out dairy cow for a few years after my kids and my husband also looked broken (we had other stuff going on too), but love and warmth endured between us and then the passion came back later. I would treat tending love and warmth as the primary concern with a very little one.

You might find it helpful to talk to a counsellor, just to think stuff through. Good luck.

She does sound lazy, if she is working part time she should be picking up bulk of childcare and housework. I suggest you get a cleaner and stop doing all the things that you are doing. Have a conversation and ask her to do chores too. Shes just taking the piss.

You need to organise a date / serious talk time/ date. Things are unfairly divided and you are resentful. So air it out and have a discussion regarding the division of labour. If you earn enough to hire a cleaner to clean the bathroom do it ASAP!

If you want to spend more time at home and your employer will let you cut down the hours. Then get those cold hard facts and present it her and say I want reduce my hours and spend time with my child.

mum You can want to spend time with your child even if it don't save money (but don't go into debt or lose the house over it).

If you want to visit friends for a weekend pick 3 dates, give your dp chance to agree one.
If she's still moody and resentful then go anyway.

The problem you have is you went along with all of her requests and didn't work as a team
Tell your dw that you would like equal consideration in your relationship and if she's not prepared to treat you as an equal then you'll have to decide if to stay or leave.

Your dp sounds controlling.
Be aware though she'll not be happy if you leave and may well use your dc against you in which case you will have a rough ride.

Yes, ignore the aggressive replies. However, you are sick of putting your needs behind her, and it's time for a talk with your wife. If you don't feel able to do it alone, then do it mediated with a relationship counsellor.

When physical intimacy goes, the relationship is in trouble. It's time to pull the emergency cord and have a complete re-set.

Good luck.

What I am saying is when I am at work, she is looking after him. The other 16 hours of the day plus weekends we share the parenting. I understand being a parent is a full time job to a young child. However, I also understand that he naps twice a day for a couple of hours whilst I am at work, and when i am at home, i am very much involved. Like i said in my origin post, usually after work I take over to give her a break (although it's really because I love spending time with him) then after I put him to bed, I will cook dinner, tidy away all his toys etc. I also often will do his morning feed before I go to work if I have time (while she has a lie in) so I am aware of what it takes to be a full time parent, and it's the best job ever 😀

*behind hers, obvs!

Absolutely it's not fair. I worked full time when my children were tiny babies, I managed night feeding (all of them except for weekends whilst I was on maternity then shared with husband as we both worked equal hours when back at work).
Sorry but unless your child has additional needs she has more than enough time to do housework if she is only working 2 days per week. Why does she see weekend as her time off? She has three days during the week, especially if you are doing bed and bath times......have you asked her when she considers it your time off OP?
If you want to go and see your friends then go! She doesn't get the monopoly on socialising, especially as you moved away from your social circle for her.
I would explain to her that you are exhausted and are simply unable to keep up with the amount you do around the home, explain that perhaps if she did a couple of extra days at work you could afford a cleaner a couple of times per week and equal downtime....that should hopefully put a rocket up her arse and make her realise she needs to contribute!
I can't stand lazy arsed freeloaders whichever sex they happen to be.

A ridiculous post with needlessly abusive language. The only reason you have been that rude is because the poster is a man.

Communicate

Don't get into a tit for tat fight of specifics who does what (toilets 🙄)

What do you want? You said you want her life as it sounds 'great' that is your opinion not her reality.

You are spending too much time on counting all her 'wins' and all your 'losses'

Be a team, make a plan, you won't get everything you want. You did agree to move so you can't hold it over her forever.

Perhaps get yourself a hobby. And do make date nights even if it's in the house.

I've not read up on 'love language' much but you show your love for her through your perceived suffering on her behalf.

She may not realise that is you showing your love. Equally there may be a way she feels she is showing you love that you haven't even noticed??

Communicate, make time for yourself, don't expect her to solve your problems intuitively for you

I can’t see your point. Sounds like you have been too passive and she has taken advantage of that. From what you have written, she sounds like she takes you for granted but have you explained this to her?

Can not can’t

There is no point posting here if you are a man with an issue with your wife. You will be told its your issue/fault/ lack of appreciation/ male privilege/ sense of entitlement...

From my (male) perspective it seems like your wife gets everything her way with little contribution. Divide up tasks equally. Do not get a cleaner.

Too passive and its your fault for not telling her...now switch the gender....

If anyone has any advice, or has experienced this before. Please pass this on

Please pass this on .... strange turn of phase for needing advice.

It sounds as though you have already metered out her punishment by denying sex and affection.

What more advice do you need ? To leave her, to move back home, to terminate the relationship ?

If you are tired, tell her, don't withold love, that's cruel. I know of no man that adores his wife that witholds sex purely because of house duties. In my opinion even resentful men want sex, something else is going on.

What do resentful women want?

What do resentful women want?

That's the million dollar question....

And if you don't know the answer you will never experience a long term relationship or marriage.

I think she sounds lazy too.

I worked two days a week after maternity leave (I was on leave for 15 months in total). My DH worked full time, so our set up was very similar (still is, I only work one extra day now).

The difference is, all my husband did was work. I did ALL the childcare, all night, every night. Every dinner. Every other meal. My daughter is now 6 and my DH has still never even given her a bath. I also did all the housework (still do).

But, I feel our roles are evenly split and I’m still attracts to my DH, and I assume he is to me.

I think you need to ask her to do far more in the home. Taking care of a child and doing housework at the same time is easy. I redecorated with my baby in a sling. It can be done!

The aggressive posts you are getting are mainly because you are a male, if you were female your responses would be totally different
As for the posters claiming how exhausting it is looking after a baby ? Really, exhausting? More than one is def tiring but 1 is not exhausting.
You sound resentful, I would be resentful if I was you. You sound as if you are more than pulling your weight.
If you want to work things out you will need to sit down and talk to her about how you are feeling , and what you can both do in order for things to improve. If things go unchecked eventually you will probably separate, as the feelings you have now will make your marriage toxic.

Op, unfortunately this is not the place to post as a man as you know. There is a daddit subreddit and a few other subreddits where people will not be so anti-man and anti-father. You might get actual helpful advice there.