Strong female beaten again by a man Why. ?

[suggakisses]

My friend once again has been beaten up by another partner . She is not what I would consider to be a pushover. Outspoken feisty outgoing. So why does this happen again and again .

I always thought abusers sought out weak and compliant victims something she is not .

This has happened more than three times so this is a pattern. What can she do to break this pattern?

I always thought abusers sought out weak and compliant victims something she is not

Some like the challenge.

You will get flamed for victim blaming now so good luck, but as someone who has been in this position, your friend does need help in understanding why her twat radar is so off key.

It's a difficult process, but one of my friends said to me "I wonder why you let this happen"

At the time I was beyond furious but it was the kindest thing anyone ever said as it gave me back my agency

Therapy and lots of it.

The common denominator is that she is attracted to abusive shitheads. Her goal now is to learn the red flags and walk away before they get close.

So therapy. Lots.

@suggakisses has she done the freedom programme?

Is she missing the early red flags?

I didn't mean to victim blame but if you knew her you would be amazed that anyone would dare to lay a finger on her ! She keeps attracting violent men over and over . I would have thought her demeanour would have put off potential thugs as they would have seen her as hard work . Im quiet but I have had males think quietness is a weakness and get pushy with me . I've never been beaten though . It's so puzzling tbh .

These men are very charming and funny to start with . Love bombers

Some men are very attracted to strong women as they get off on putting these women "in their place". Sad but true.

But something is very wrong if these are the men your friend keeps ending up with. There are usually red flags galore so is there a reason why she doesn't spot some of them? I'm not victim blaming at all but something doesn't sound quite right. Does she have self-esteem issues? (which maybe she isn't aware of?)

Abusers don't always go for 'weak' people. Lots of them are attracted to exactly the same things you or I would be. Confidence is sexy.

Just because a strong person is in a relationship with an abuser, doesn't mean they can't be abused. Just in the same way that if she argues or fights back, that doesn't mean she is no longer being abused.

Perhaps part of the problem is that she shares your mentality that being abused is somehow the result of something being lacking in her.

That's not to say she can't have issues. Such as a pattern of codepenency. But attracting abusers has absolutely nothing to do with whether you a timid or brave or string or weak or smart or dumb. Many people can be hoodwinked if they aren't careful. And if these people get a proper foothold, pretty much anyone can be broken by them.

The first thing she needs to figure out is: is she attracting abusive men or are they attracting her?

If she trusts you, could you help by meeting up early to give a second opinion on partners? See if there appear to be things you can spot. Might not help, if they can keep the face up for those few hours.

Had you met any of these partners yourself and thought anything?

*is perhaps, that she shares

These men are very charming and funny to start with . Love bombers

So yes, she is missing the red flags.

Even without the love bombing there are usually several 'layers' before the physical attack. I think your friend needs to work on why she isn't seeing them, the freedom program maybe?

I think it's about self esteem and often those who appear most outgoing are actually the least confident.

It's very sad that the patterns repeat so much. I know three strong, professional, financially independent women, who take no nonsense from anyone in any other aspect of their lives, but who put up with enormous amounts of crap from their men.

Most likely she will have learned about relationships from her parents or an early encounter that has set her up to feel ‘comfortable’ and familiar with abuse.

There will also probably be an element of getting out of an abusive relationship and being so relieved that she’s not with a grade 8 arsehole that she settles for a grade 6 arsehole (who then escalates to an 8!)

Again I sound like I’m victim blaming but I have a friend like this and it’s so hard to watch. Her twat radar being off is exactly right.

She goes for these loud hyper masculine geezer types, it’s immediately obvious to me they’re dickheads and she will not have it then they end up abusing her. Super smart woman in all other areas of her life, I just do not get it.

But it keeps happening. Maybe she doesn't know when to walk away .

It's the patterns that are laid down in early life though, isn't it? Perhaps her dad was this kind of person but hyper-unavailable to her, perhaps she's absorbed too many societal messages about how men 'should' be.

Good point . I think a quiet man would bore her . I think she's attracted to the charisma of these men

They all seem very charming and easygoing party people .

I think she's attracted to the charisma of these men

She needs to work out why this 'charisma' (dominance, abusiveness, control are prob more accurate) is attractive to her. Until then she should stop dating before she finds herself hospitalised or dead.

I find I attract more mentally abusive men , neggers etc . I'm quiet . She attracts physical abusers . She's louder gives as good as she gets verbally.

This is controversial but it’s possible your friend is provocative and also perpetrating violence. Look up Erin Pizzey, founder of Refuge or the first kinda Womens aid organisation. Her view was that some purples engage in reciprocal domestic abuse, like women use emotional abuse and incite violence. It’s totally controversial but I can see where she came from.

She needs to learn to leave at the first 'off feeling'. It's unlikely these men are just suddenly turning round and hitting her with no warning. She needs to heed the warnings.

Can I just point out that being a victim of DV does not make you 'weak', FFS.

Likely because she's so vibrant and outspoken.

Some abusers enjoy 'breaking' women they see 'stepping out of line'.