Strong female beaten again by a man Why. ?

[suggakisses]

My friend once again has been beaten up by another partner . She is not what I would consider to be a pushover. Outspoken feisty outgoing. So why does this happen again and again .

I always thought abusers sought out weak and compliant victims something she is not .

This has happened more than three times so this is a pattern. What can she do to break this pattern?

Sounds like you could both do with counselling in spotting abusers earlier in. Why don't you both do the freedom programme together?

Oh yes, I know the one. That's pretty much what my ex used to say. Apparently it was my fault he was abusive. He once asked me: "Why? Why do you do it? If you didn't make me so angry, then I wouldn't hit you, would I?".

The fact that he was perpetually like a powder keg about to go off at any moment seemed to escape his attention.

Abusers will often only escalate to violence if they can’t control in other ways.

So if they can control a woman with words then they won’t “see the need” to escalate to violence.

So in that way a feisty woman who is harder to control may be more likely to end up being physically abused

Makes sense

Does she move in with them quickly, abusers get worse once they have you trapped.

Titchy

Good point . I don't put up with abuse but I wonder what makes them think they can do this in the first place , they have said that I lack confidence but I don't think I do . Again what tells them I lack confidence? I'm going to look in to this freedom programme . Thanks.

Just because a woman comes across as tough to the outside world dose not necessarily mean she is on the inside. There is also what her expectations and perspectives of a personal relationship are. I have a relative that most people wouldn’t cross, growing up bigger stronger men wouldn’t take her on, she could arm wrestle every guy in the room and god help anyone who hurt someone she cared about. She’s not very big, 5’3/4 at most but I once saw her take out a guy about 6’5 in a bar after he attacked her sister because she knocked back his drunken advances. BUT, the same woman spent most of her adult life being physically, emotionally and sexually abused by a complete pathetic piece of shit. It only stopped when her son was old enough stand up to his dad and hit back. She had it in her head she deserved it and violence was just part of relationships, she witnessed her mum beaten up by men her entire life. Again a woman no other woman and plenty of men would not want to cross, very strong willed and minded except when it came to men she was in a relationship with.

The freedom programme is amazing! Do it together in a face to face group and you will get so much out of it.

Haven't we all had that moment? When you first get the off feeling and end the relationship. I don't think it's about 'putting up' as much as it is about seeing it and ending it before abuse happens.

I've sat in a room with an abuser (supposedly reformed) with several women. A few of whom all thought he was doing excellently. Me and my colleague were gobsmacked. He was so very very clearly still aggressive, confrontational and dangerous.

Shark cage, innit.

I've had verbal abuse from random men who don't know me .

You don't have to 'put up with abuse' to tell an abuser that you will likely put up with abuse. It's about subtle boundary crossing... being late, ordering you a double when you asked for a single, making a joke for a second time when you've already said you find it a bit rude, touching you in a way you've asked not to be touched etc. It's the subtleties you have to watch out for, they're easy to miss unless you've got solid boundaries.

What tells them you lack confidence is the lack of enforcement of boundaries. It's the fact that you wonder what they're thinking and why they think it, rather than thinking about you. This is their fault, but your wellbeing and safety is your responsibility. The minute something feels off, you leave, and you don't question why. You certainly don't question if it's something that you did. You respect that it feels off to you, and you take yourself elsewhere, where things don't feel off.

My DM was a very, very strong willed woman but my dad abused her. As a matter of fact I think, and not to blame her at all, because she was so outspoken and strong willed it bothered him and that's why he abused her. He remarried someone more "compliant" and they seem very happy together over 20 years later.

Gives as good as she gets is a bit of a clue. Violence doesn't usually come out of nowhere, it's generally an escalation from an argument, some verbal confrontation. And it takes two people for that. Your (her) reaction to someone getting aggravated is going to determine whether the situation escalates or de escalates. See how (good) security staff handle a drunk, lairy punter. Maybe your feisty friend is the protagonist, starting many of the arguments and then making sure they escalate? Some people thrive on confrontation and drama, others instinctively know when to back away. But if that situation is happening regularly in a relationship, then it must be pretty toxic even before it descends into physical abuse.

I wonder if she argued logically and well .

I do wonder why a stranger knows he can verbally abuse a woman . How he can pick
Out a woman in a room full of people for abuse

Yes excellent post @Watchkeys and the jokes thing struck a chord with me.

What makes these men think they can do this ..the blame lies with the men ,not your friend .
shes just been unlucky that they were nasty twats

They don't know. They're not blessed with hidden talents. They'll try in with everybody. The ones who don't tell them to sling their hook are the ones they abuse.

www.jennisspace.com/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

Another thought I have had is that maybe a woman hasn't got a male family member/ friend to protect her , as a lot of abusers are cowards underneath. I saw this play out in factory I worked in . No man said anything to or harassed this woman we worked with because she had a huge hairy six foot biker of a husband. They gave it out to other women though.

Is she missing the early red flags?

These men are very charming and funny to start with . Love bombers

So yes, she is missing the red flags. Love bombing is a red flag. Whenever I read posts about men who turned out to be arseholes, and the woman is saying "But I don't get it - he was so charming, lovely and attentive, he treated me like a princess - far better than any of my previous partners!", I think, well... yup.

They don't know. They're not blessed with hidden talents. They'll try in with everybody. The ones who don't tell them to sling their hook are the ones they abuse.

This. I've had men be jealous, boundary crossing, suggest things I don't like, comment on appearance, try negging. Surely we all have. They're testing you.

I've two friends when I've met their new men and my skin crawled. Theirs didn't. They were violent. It's very subtle sometimes. Both flirted with me in front of them.

Why does he do that by Lundy bank Croft, the freedom programme and lots of therapy- she needs to workout why she’s picking these types of men and why she isn’t walking away. Even strong, feisty confident women can have self esteem issues- usually because we’ve been told all our lives men don’t like strong women, so we should take what we can get!

It won't make any difference whether she has a male protector if she's protecting herself.

Women don't need men to protect them, regardless of who makes moves on them. Women need to disabuse themselves of this notion and accept full responsibility for themselves, and that includes you, OP.

Men treating women badly is to do with the relationship between the man and the woman; what he's doing, and what she allows. Nothing else.

What can she do to break this pattern?

In the short term, stop forming romantic relationships with men.

In the long term, what kind of men is she going for? Men she can "fix"? Some women with temperaments like your friend see some sort of value or status in being with men who "wont put up with my bullshit"- Unfortunately this often escalates to a power play and women typically come out of that as the losers.

Without sounding like I'm stereotyping, if Glenda is finding her boyfriends from the local group of misogynist brawlers down the pub, or from the open prison day release work scheme, she's unlikely to find a decent bloke. That's not to say stockbrokers and teachers aren't abusers. Anyone can be. But a larger percentage of known abusers/known to be aggressive/known twats will go on to harm someone again, and there are a large percentage of them in the aforementioned categories.

'She keeps attracting violent men over and over .'
No, this is not what's happening. Rather, she is attracted to violent men. The common denominator is her. SIL is the same. Partner after partner is an evil fucker. But she would never date a nice quiet pleasant peaceful man. They would be too boring. Not edgy enough. She positively chooses these guys. She likes an alpha male, likes the drama. Sure there is something very wrong with her thinking, but she never addresses this.