Strong female beaten again by a man Why. ?

[suggakisses]

My friend once again has been beaten up by another partner . She is not what I would consider to be a pushover. Outspoken feisty outgoing. So why does this happen again and again .

I always thought abusers sought out weak and compliant victims something she is not .

This has happened more than three times so this is a pattern. What can she do to break this pattern?

Tbf there are things that can indicate we would be good victims for an abuser.

Eg, being an open book (easy to get info to use against her later on) and being nice extra in tuned with other people's needs (may be willing to put her needs last). Then there things like if she apologises a lot, even in situations where she isn't in the wrong (can indicate prior abuse so, susceptibility to it). Then, trying to see the good in everyone or making excuses for other people's bad behaviour. Also, body language that might suggest insecurities. So much of who we are can be conveyed by body language. Someone might seem strong and secure and then you see them for a second when they don't know you are watching and they fidget nervously or look worried about something. I think abusers are extra intuneed to that.

I think she needs to think more about the part she plays in these situations.

That's not to victim blame - no one should be assaulted by their partner.

But really accepting that she must have a part to play in the pattern - and she is not simply unlucky - would be the starting point.

If she really is at that point where she is ready to do that thinking then therapy could help her - psychodynamic or psychoanalytic.

But she has to be at the starting line and ready to take part in the run.

Otherwise the therapy will just be her complaining, the therapist trying to suggest that something else might be going on, and her feeling very upset at that suggestion and feeling she is seeing a horrible unkind therapist who doesn't understand her.

I was also struck by how much you emphasised her strength and feistiness and so on.

It seems she is on a polarity where she's either strong and unassailable or she is weak and being beaten up. It's very polarised and split.

When she feels very strong she can't really imagine being the person who's feels weak and vulnerable. When she feels vulnerable and weak maybe she can't really experience the strong her who can stand up for herself.

Both polarities are out of touch with reality and mean that she fails to take realistic steps to protect herself. She might over experience her strength (so she doesn't need to take care, she's so strong!) or over experience her vulnerabilities (she cant take any steps to protect herself).

Therapy might help her bring then polarity together in a more realistic self representation. She's neither really strong nor really weak.

That she is quite a strong person who can take some steps to protect herself but she has some vulnerabilities that she needs to take seriously and attend to so as to protect herself.

Watchkeys

No man is going to Mess with a woman if they know a significant male in her life will give him a humiliating beating . Word would soon get around . And saying no /fuck off does not stop them . A lot of men don't like being knocked back and will take a woman down because of it . If only it was a simple no or fuck off or I'm not interested would do the trick .

This makes sense she's attracted to them rather than attracting them

Are you seriously asserting that a woman needs a man to protect her?

If not, what's your point, here?

If so, you are very much mixing in the wrong circles, and that might explain your troubles. If the men you're familiar with are violent, boundary crossing, and disrespectful, then you can expect violent, boundary crossing, disrespectful behaviour from them. It's their fault, but it's up to you to find better company for yourself.

Some women find violent men attractive. I've known a couple. Those women were as inclined to violence as the men they sought tbh.

Could be that all the people involved (both sexes) were exposed to marital violence as children so perpetuate as adults and seek out partners accordingly.

They go on to have children themselves, so the cycle continues.

Sad.

I'd say the exact opposite. Women with kind, gentle, considerate men in their lives who wouldn't dream of hurting a fly, those women are massively less likely to be attracted to violent men.

Women with violent men in their lives, well that's 'normal'. And IME those men either don't care, or don't find out there's abuse.

100 % what Mrs TP said, I’ve been trying to think how to articulate it. If you move in circles where things are fixed with violence and men are expected to behave in a thuggish manner then you’re more likely to end up with a violent man.

An abuser will go for the easiest target . If they think it will end in trouble for them they won't bother if they know it will end in violence from another male towards them . It's a big deterrent. Some men won't take no for an answer . . No way on this god Damn earth would my dad or brother let anyone harm me . It's instinctive for a man to protect a woman he cares about . Just as it's instinctive for women to protect their child .

That's true but I was just wondering how abusers select a woman at random in a pub or club setting .

My ex was violent with me (though never actually beat me up).

I'm feisty. I'm outspoken. I grew up with two older brothers so I was used to holding my own. I'd fight back. He'd cry. He'd do it again.

He probably gave off a bad vibe and alot of people pick up on that, but she is attracted to that. I know someone like this. You wouldn't touch these types with a barge pole but yet she is oblivious to what everyone else sees.

She sounds like she needs to do the freedom programme.

Watchkeys

No I'm not saying that women need a man to protect them but it is a deterrent. I'm just going by my own personal experience. People will do to you what they think/ know they can get away with .

Of course, but it shouldn't be relevant. A gun is a deterrent. A baseball bat is a deterrent. Being in a massive crowd all the time is a deterrent. Not being able to cook or clean could be seen as a deterrent.

Not having any of these things isn't and shouldn't be an issue in a woman's life.

What point are you actually making? That women won't get abused if they have a big tough man protecting them?

Also I think if that's your personal experience, you're mixing with men with unhealthy attitudes. If you mix with kind, respectful men, you'll be much less likely to come across abuse.

My mum is like this. She goads and goads then when he finally snaps and gets angry she sobs about how terrified she is and how he is abusing her.

This was a pattern in my childhood and I witnessed it over and over.

She's single now, which feels lovely and peaceful.

The fact is though, no normal man would 'snap' at a woman and hit her. Getting angry perhaps yes. But no normal man would get physical. Decent people know that violence is never acceptable. And that if someone is 'provoking' you to it then you need to be single and get therapy.

Yes, walking away is really the only option when someone is goading you in this way. If you can't do it, you need to be looking at why you're not responsible for yourself and your behaviour.