Feeling nervous as tonight is the night

[VJasper86]

Just wanted to start a thread because tonight is the night me and dh sit down to discuss our marriage.

Here's to hoping that he has actually spent time to reflect on his behaviour and suggest potential solutions he is prepared to try on ways that we could positively move forward (ie personal counselling, couples counselling, research on his strained relationship with ds etc)
I will let people know how it goes.

I generally feel sick and can't focus right now as I have been waiting so long to get to a resolution. I told him numerous times that I was ready to talk sooner than the end of the month but he kept saying to keep it as it was and I wanted to give him time I'd he claimed he needed it. We shall see.
Link to past threads in case......

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4556739-i-actually-told-him

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4572088-gentle-reminders-to-be-brave

What will you do if he has not taken this month to really think about how to fix your marriage ?

@2022NewTimes i think that would indicate that he isn't prepared to put the effort in to resolve things if he isn't prepared to spend time thinking about resolving them.
The only outcome would likely be a trial separation to give time to confirm that it is the correct path to take.

@VJasper86 how did it go?

I hope you are ok ?

Thinking of you. I hope it went as well as it could

Update.
He was very upset about how he has hurt me with his behaviour.
He truly thinks that he wouldn't be happy if we separated even though he isn't happy with where we are right now.
I am glad that he had thought about his feelings and was prepared to share them and we have agreed that the first step should be counselling as at least then we have tried everything.
We have also put some other things in place to try a d build his relationship with ds.
I do feel like I got overwhelmed by how upset he was at the prospect of it being over. He cried, said he hoped that one day I would be happy and that he would be there to see it.
I still feel in limbo to be honest, feel annoyed at myself that yet again I think I am putting others feelings before me own.
But maybe couples counselling will help clarify things.

The trouble is that you are peeling the plaster off rather than ripping it. You are stuck in limbo.
Get that counselling booked, don’t allow him to drag it out and control the situation.

I'm so sorry OP but I've read your previous threads and I think he sounds awful.

He's gaslighted you for years, left you carrying the burden for everything, neglected his own son to the point that he barely has a relationship with him, and now at the eleventh hour is crying crocodile tears because he's realising his nice comfortable set up is at risk.

He is a selfish prick and he has been showing you that he is a selfish prick for years. One tearful conversation does nothing to change that. He's a terrible role model for your DS and you're not even attracted to him anyway.

Rip of the band aid and end it.

So he's cried but what other practical things did he bring to improve things? Did the suggestions of stuff to do with DS come from him?

OP this isnt doing anyone any favours - a lot of your issues are because your needs and feelings are met or considered - well they werent last night. All he did was a continuation of what he has always done

You just need to do it - keeping on going/counselling etc isnt going to help

Indeed.

He's playing you OP.

Check any joint bank accounts, he might be preparing from his side and buying time.

This. If he'd wanted to change he would have done so at any point over the last seven years. Take control. End things. You deserve more.

Consider using the counselling to navigate a smoother break up...go for it. Sounds as though he is clinging to the relationship because it works for him, not because he cares for you.

OP, I'm not saying he wasn't upset, but he really milked it there. Imagine having to hear something difficult from someone you cared for and whose feelings you prioritised. Would you sit there crying in front of them, using the most sentimental lines you could think of 'I hope you'll be happy...' or would you try and keep the focus on what they had to say, and try to control yourself?
I think there are men in particular who fully understand the power of their tears (men don't cry do they..so when they do they must really mean it! And you must be really hurting them! So you must stop!) but his tears are worth no more than yours. His behaviour has led to his misery, and him being 'really upset' doesn't resolve the problem.
The counselling is a good idea if you're still conflicted, as the presence of a third party may help to keep focus and not allow him to manipulate you.

You don't have to stay in limbo. FFS this saga is painful to read never mind live - your poor children

I think it takes a lot for me to make a move, I don't trust my own judgement, have low self esteem and tend to wish I'd made other choices in hindsight. At the time I tend to always go for the option that is least hurtful to the other person regardless of myself.

I've read your other posts OP, and the quote above is exactly how I feel about myself. Every decision in life, even which queue to stand in at the check out, or what trousers to wear for work, I feel I've made the wrong choice. Everything. And I'd rather put up with pain myself than inflict it on anyone else, no matter who they are or what they've done. Me and you need to let go of this. Christ, I was in the doctors waiting room the other day and Let It Go from Frozen was playing on the radio, and I could have cried my eyes out. I need to have the talk, and I'm pleased that you are already at this stage, although DH has been aware of my feelings for almost three years and buries his head in the sand. I just wanted to say good luck x

I still do not think you are a lost cause 19Bears but you are writing now like you are!!!. Please for the love of all that is good here do not continue to put up with what you've described too in your numerous threads!!!. And yes you do need to let go of this; be tired of being the last person who matters here.

I would also suggest therapy re your wanting to put everyone else first before you because such people pleasing behaviour does you no good and also stems from wanting to parent please a difficult and or otherwise emotionally absent parent.

Your DHs only concern is him and getting his needs met. He knows how you feel and he does not care. To him, you and your child are of secondary concern.

I think there are men in particular who fully understand the power of their tears (men don't cry do they..so when they do they must really mean it! And you must be really hurting them! So you must stop!) but his tears are worth no more than yours.

I think this is a very shrewd observation.

If he genuinely wants to make things better with you (and isn't just playing for time or trying to quieten you down) then he'll be willing to take concrete steps quickly and for you to push him to make big changes without dragging his feet. Hold him to this and don't let him drag things out and slow things down again.

Whose sake are you really staying for here; theirs or more likely your own because its somehow "easier". What you are describing here is a slow death by 1000 cuts.

You have a choice re your man. Your children do not. If your children as adults went onto have a relationship like this how would you feel?. Would you want them to stay within it, no you would not. You're however, showing them that currently at least, this is still acceptable to you. On a wider level financial concerns or the fear of being alone often motivate such paralysis, hidden beneath the mask of staying together for the children.

We all want or at the very least should want better for our children. You are teaching them that a happy relationship and or relationship is not their birthright and living in mediocrity or worse sends the kids confusing messages about relationships and happiness. Whose sake are you really staying for here; theirs or more likely your own because its somehow "easier"?. What you are both describing here in your respective relationships is a slow death by 1000 cuts.

It’s not what we say, but what we do that matters. Telling our children they deserve healthy, respectful, and loving partnerships isn’t taken to heart if we don’t have the courage to live up to our own words. What we model for them is very much what we might expect for them in their future relationships. From this perspective we might question the sincerity of the expression “for the sake of the children.” Unloving or conflicted marriages often follow a lineage as they are passed down from generation to generation. And so the cycle continues.

VJaspar

If counselling is to be considered here you need to go on your own. Joint counselling is not recommended where there is abuse of any type and he has been gaslighting you for years. If he can manipulate you he will certainly attempt to manipulate a counsellor and you could well come away from any joint sessions feeling used or worse.

Sorry all, I started to type this morning and then had lots to do and called a friend and got to work etc etc.
I am already in personal counselling and I think that is what has enabled me to take these first difficult steps.
By no means do I think we are at the end of whatever this is and potentially further talking and relationship therapy alongside my therapy might be what I need to empower me to make choices.
I am hoping that I will be ableto build strength as its not easy and will take a lot of steps or a lot of bravery to rip the bandaid. I have a lot of respect with women who are able to do it as it feels light a tightrope and I don't know which way I will fall.
I'd say my people pleasing nature is very much entwined in my childhood friendships and not my parents. I struggled with my peers being bullied and told I wasn't good enough by them from the age of 9 so my default became pleasing teachers and adults to be praised.
Really value everyone's thoughts, some of which I am having myself, but sometimes it's just really tough in that moment to say those words or make that choice.

You're right that it is not at all easy to make these changes, so it sounds like you're doing really well in setting these things in motion and creating the possibility of improvement happening. I do realise that it's much easier for me to write comments here than to actually do those things in real life. Hopefully we here can be supportive while remembering that it's hard work to do these things for real.