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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He has just walked out

70 replies

aloneandlost · 27/06/2022 05:39

Happy (I thought) marriage, together for 20 years…he just left me because he has been distracted by becky with the good hair. (15 years his jr)

i can’t afford my house - after bills I will have negative 250 and that’s before I get food.

im heartbroken and need a friend

OP posts:
lifecouldbeadream · 27/06/2022 05:43

Handhold OP.

He is an arse.

You will get through this.

Time to sort out your options and go from there.

Palavah · 27/06/2022 05:46

I'm so sorry. You must be gutted. Have you got someone in real life you can tell?

You will be feeling raw and angry and shocked and sad and a whole other set of things now. Can you write things down to get them off your chest? Have you got food in the house? Can you get some fresh air and keep moving?

Sending comfort and strength.

Username2101 · 27/06/2022 05:59

This happened to me in March, 12 years together and he walked out for his secretary 20 years younger than him.

The first week will be the hardest and you will go into shock. Don't make any major decisions during this time and just try to look after yourself as much as possible. Eat and drink as much as you can. The pain can be overwhelming but try not to let it drag you under.

I'm 4 months on now and I'm not going to lie I'm still a mess. But I don't cry anymore and I'm pulling the pieces of my life back together slowly. It does start to get easier and you get used to not having them there.

Original poster
aloneandlost · 27/06/2022 06:09

Username2101 · 27/06/2022 05:59

This happened to me in March, 12 years together and he walked out for his secretary 20 years younger than him.

The first week will be the hardest and you will go into shock. Don't make any major decisions during this time and just try to look after yourself as much as possible. Eat and drink as much as you can. The pain can be overwhelming but try not to let it drag you under.

I'm 4 months on now and I'm not going to lie I'm still a mess. But I don't cry anymore and I'm pulling the pieces of my life back together slowly. It does start to get easier and you get used to not having them there.

It’s just so hard seeing that life you had planned just blow up.

we were almost financially stable, debt free and almost no mortgage left, and our child is in their teens, our life of adventure could start.

we have been together for more than half of our lives…and now he is leaving me for a toddler who lives halfway across the country

OP posts:
Original poster
aloneandlost · 27/06/2022 06:10

@Palavah yes I have a couple of family members, but no friends. I’m just so embarrassed and angry and hurt…all of the emotions at once

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 27/06/2022 06:15

Handhold.

Lawyer up, smash the bastard and don't give any quarter. Short, sharp shock. When you're free of him, you can heal. It's like cutting away rotting flesh...

Original poster
aloneandlost · 27/06/2022 06:17

StopStartStop · 27/06/2022 06:15

Handhold.

Lawyer up, smash the bastard and don't give any quarter. Short, sharp shock. When you're free of him, you can heal. It's like cutting away rotting flesh...

Right now I’m still firmly in the ‘I love him so much how can he do this’ place. I’ll give it a little while

OP posts:
Sofacouchboredom · 27/06/2022 06:35

Self care first... this stuff is traumatising and can lead to all sort of PTSD style symptoms. Eat, sleep, rest, exercise, hydrate. Take care of you. If his affair is sexual then STD checks.

Get yourself a copy of 'leave a cheater gain a life' this book will really help you see more clearly. Read 'the script' on here, I'm sure someone will link you to it. Both of these are great at really understanding this wasn't your marriage, it's not you, it's all about him and that you're not to blame.

It's REALLY hard but try to grey rock him, don't discuss anything than finances and children. You will not regret this months down the line but it's extremely hard I know. Anything else just plays into his self inflated ego atm. You can't make sense of the senseless so don't even try.

Don't feel shake talk to friends and family, cry, let it all out around trusted individuals. I hope your DC is ok.

Then when you're ready mobilise and get legal support. I know you want to crawl under a large rock and hide right now but he's had longer to plan this than you have and is ahead of the game.

I'm so so sorry that you're going through this. Flowers

Sofacouchboredom · 27/06/2022 06:36

Shame

BackToTheTop · 27/06/2022 06:48

For the next couple of weeks don't make any decisions, just take care of you. Try to eat and sleep and reach out to family members for help.

He's had weeks and months to come to this decision, you've had only hours, if he wants to discuss finances or anything of any consequence, don't! Give yourself time to get over the shock and then you'll need time to make any decisions

lozza8256 · 27/06/2022 06:50

Ugh your pain is sooooo clear in your post, I can feel it. To be so utterly betrayed by someone you've given your life to for nearly 20 years is devastating. To feel cast aside whilst he moves on to 'Becky with the good hair' (sorry I did have a little smile at this description! ) is heartbreaking.
Now is the time simply to breathe and cry and reach out for the support you need and deserve. Surround yourself with people who will love and listen to you. You need do nothing more right now xxx

I am six months on from this exact scenario (except he left for an old flame from 20 years ago .. go figure) still hurts like a bitch sometimes and sometimes it doesn't.

Try not to panic. Resist being forced into any decision you're not ready for. Focus entirely on you as you never get the answer to the burning question of 'WHY???'

look after YOU xx

AperolWhore · 27/06/2022 06:59

aloneandlost · 27/06/2022 06:17

Right now I’m still firmly in the ‘I love him so much how can he do this’ place. I’ll give it a little while

Show quote history

Its completely normal to be in that stage, you’ve been blindsided but you must take legal advice so you know where you stand.

Do you have full financial visibility? Check what benefits you may be entitled to, do a CMS calculation and get your ducks in a row. Also squirrel as much money away as possible at the minute, sell things, transfer some savings and make any cut backs you can to pocket extra money.

Its tough but you’ve got this 🥰

Cherrysoup · 27/06/2022 07:05

Get a claim in for maintenance asap.

gonnascreamsoon · 27/06/2022 07:12

I know you still love him, but whatever you do, don't do the 'pick me' dance !

He has left you for another woman. Remember that.

When you're weeping into his clothes because you miss the smell of him, he's busy screwing the one with the 'good hair', remember that.

When you want to hear his voice, remember that he's now using that voice to tell the other woman how unreasonable/boring/unattractive/nagging you are, and how lucky he is to have met HER !

When you're worrying about how the hell you're going to pay the bills and keep a roof over your DS's head, he's busy spending all his money on taking her out, treating her to gifts and day trips, showing HER that she's 'worth it', he's very happy to leave you and your DC struggling and broke.

While you're trying to put a brave face on for your DC and to keep things as 'normal' for them as you can, HE'S playing at being carefree and single again, with not a damn care in the world, and you and your DC are the last thing HE'S concerned about.

I know that you still feel 'love' for him, but you need to realize that he DOESN'T feel 'love' for you. If he did, he never would have cheated or put you through this !

YOU and your DC deserve BETTER ! And since you're the ONLY parent who is putting your DC first in all this mess, you MUST get your 'big girl pants' on, and start bloody well protecting both your interests now !

Make an appointment with a solicitor to find out your rights and to start to plan how you and your DC are going to stay in your house and be able to afford to eat, because you don't have the luxury of time. ( And your 'D'H may well be emptying your joint savings/investments etc NOW !

He has dropped a bomb on your lives, but that doesn't mean your life is over, it just means that your new life needs to start today. You need to grieve for the 'life' you thought you had. You need to grieve for the 'love' you thought you had. That will take time, but your priority needs to be how you are going to support yourself and your DC first !

In time, you will be happy again. You will feel strong again. Flowers

Original poster
aloneandlost · 27/06/2022 07:25

@gonnascreamsoon I love big girl pants lol

there are no savings to drain, all tied up in shares and inaccessible without high penalties. Debts are split across both of us, and car is in my name.

there is no money in the bank to drain because I have been putting every spare penny into debt repayment to get us into a good spot, more than half of our combined income goes to debt repayment, that’s why we don’t go out as much. I’m literally two years away from having an extra 1500 a month to spend…and now that’s never going to happen, and guess who has the higher salary…it’s not meeee

OP posts:
TotallyUninspired · 27/06/2022 09:44

@aloneandlost Me too, happened in March after 18 years together. Three and a half months on, the shock is subsiding but I can't say I'm in a position to be offering sage advice, just a massive amount of sympathy – it is awful, he is a bastard and you deserve better.

If people offer help, take them up on it. Focus on yourself and your DC and don't make any rash decisions at this stage. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

Original poster
aloneandlost · 27/06/2022 09:56

@TotallyUninspired im just in shock. He has even told me he has been messaging her this morning. Deleted the messages though…it’s like he wants me to hate him.

OP posts:
TotallyUninspired · 27/06/2022 10:23

@aloneandlost I really do know how you feel. I couldn't believe the stuff coming out of my husband's mouth - the callous selfishness, the complete disregard for me, for our children and for everything we had built together. Of course you are in shock. It is shocking.

He has had to devalue you and your relationship in his mind to 'justify' his decision to cheat and to push down any feelings of guilt, so at the moment you are wasting your time if you expect any kindness or compassion from him.

Have you got anyone you can talk to nearby?

newbiename · 27/06/2022 10:41

Do you have children? Can you claim UC ? He'll have to give you maintenance.
Sorry you're going through this.

Amid · 27/06/2022 10:41

What an arsehole.

Happened to me, the shock lasted a while but it goes. You will move on and it will be okay.

I'm eight odd years from it now and happier than ever.

Neverhot · 27/06/2022 11:32

I have been there and yes he will most likely be cruel and rub it in your face. My ex did this to make me hate him, it made walking away from me and the kids easier. Be prepared for him to rewrite history and make out he was never happy, loves you but not in love with you etc. All these things are part of the script to ease the guilt they feel.

The next few months are going to be incredibly hard, lean on family and try to make new friends. Be kind to yourself and remember that it won't feel like this forever. It's been 3 years for me and yes it still hurts, but I don't wake up with that pit in my stomach feeling anymore and don't cry ever day now either.

Get in touch with a solicitor sooner rather than later.

RedRobyn2021 · 27/06/2022 11:45

I'm so sorry. Sending love and strength to you.

StopStartStop · 27/06/2022 17:57

He will find a way to screw you over if you don't go right to the legal and financial advice. They all do. Almost all.

Original poster
aloneandlost · 27/06/2022 22:25

Thanks for the kind messages. He has decided he might want to work it out, I’m seemingly just expected to sit here and wait to find out if he deems me worthy.

I’ve told him to leave, even though every part of me wants him to stay and wants him to love me.

i know it’s stupid, but he was it for me. We have been together since we were teenagers, and now it has all been flushed down the toilet.

OP posts:
lozza8256 · 27/06/2022 22:34

Hats off to you for telling him to leave even though it must be unimaginably painful. You need to figure out what YOU want ... and that may not be the crumbs he's decided he may want to give you.