He has just walked out

[aloneandlost]

Happy (I thought) marriage, together for 20 years…he just left me because he has been distracted by becky with the good hair. (15 years his jr)

i can’t afford my house - after bills I will have negative 250 and that’s before I get food.

im heartbroken and need a friend

You did absolutely the best thing by asking him to leave. Even if you do decide to work on it, he needs to fully understand the enormity of his decision and what he stands to lose. He can only really realise this when he thinks he's lost it.

Well done, he obviously thought that you had no decision to make, all the power was his.
Now he knows you have the power to choose as well

I don't usually comment on threads unless I have something constructive to add but my breath is taken away by the fact he thinks he gets to 'choose' who he wants to be with! Don't give him that option- you are worth so much more than that.
Let him go to Becky and see how green that grass is! She may not even want him full time - kick his sorry ass out and get steely- he is with you or he is not. He does not get to fanny about deciding 'what he wants'. Jesus who does he think he is. Get your financials in place and find your anger!

Sorry I've just come across as harsh- you obviously love him and have been blindsided by it. He is a twat and you don't deserve any of this. Look after yourself and you will eventually feel stronger and come through this as previous posters have said. Make sure you eat and drink - I struggle with eating when stressed and it makes things a lot worse as it is easy to get run down.

Yep, this is text book.

Again get yourself a copy of 'leave a cheat gain a life' you'll see the to'ing and fro'ing is typical.

Works on the lines that the cheat gets an abundance of ego kibbles when they're in their affair. The primary partner finds out and dumps them OR they leave and then their supply is cut in half, so they try and reclaim some back by playing both. The only way you can deal with this is to grey rock him.

He'll play big sad eyes next.

Just so sorry because I know it well.

Be my obviously told him to 'sling his hook'

This! Completely agree.

You make sure he knows you're not a bloody option. What a horror.

X

Sounds like Becky with the nice hair has backtracked on having a 15 yr older cheating male to now deal with full-time.

Hence deleted messages because he doesn't want to face up to the fact he has blown his life up for cloud cuckoo land.

But that's NOT your problem.

He had full intent on not giving a shit about you and your child going forward. Remember this.

Look up 'the script' OP, it becomes much easier to stop caring when you can see how pathetic the playbook for this shit actually is. You will lose respect for him once you see how predictable his words and behaviour are and once respect is gone the love you feel for him soon follows. I know it's hard right now but it gets easier when you find your anger and disdain for what he's done, you won't always feel this awful

I'm so sorry @aloneandlost - how unspeakably cruel of him to do this to you.

Just adding my voice to the chorus of those who are saying absolutely do not take him back. He's playing a game of ensuring you are still on tenterhooks because he knows you didn't want this, and triangulating you both - giving you breadcrumbs in case his relationship with Becky with the good hair (I also loved that description) fails (which it sounds like it has).

You deserve so, so much better than this. These first weeks/months are undoubtably the hardest, but keep your resolve - you will never trust him fully again, you and your children deserve better, and he doesn't get to have you back. You will eventually move past this, and be so relieved when you have - just grey rock him, discuss nothing but children/financials, and look after yourself best you can x

I know how this feels. My ex of 20 years did this to me and stole money from joint business to buy her an expensive gold watch. Listen to screams advise. I know it hurts but he is no longer invested emotionally in you. He will put her first now, every time. Refuse to discuss anything with him, especially finances until you have seen a solicitor. I was told to do shopping and claim £50 as cash back each time I shopped. It helped me pay for a good solicitor. Emotionally I was a mess so told solicitor to just get me the best deal she could, but not to keep coming to me just put it in her hands and trusted her to do her job. She did a good job. I got 65 percent of value of house as I had child living at home. Ex did not want me to have business and offered me all of house if he could have all of business as I had 50 percent shares in business. Judge had business valued and turns out it was worth almost four times that of house. I am glad I did not just accept that offer from ex when I was upset. He ended up having to buy my half of business. We also had to pension share and as I had taken out quite a few years when 3 DC were small I ended up being awarded about a third of his pension to top mine up. At the time I was devastated. 17 years on I am glad we split up. I carried to a lovely man who values me more than DH ever did. DH relationship with ow broke up after 4 months and he begged to come back but I was not having that. I told him he was spoilt goods. I also think he wanted to come back once he realised how much he would lose financially. Final top. You divorce him. Puts you in control of timings etc.

OP... massive hugs your way. What a huge shock.

Couple of things
This relationship he is in will likely blow up. After gushing declarations of love and him leaving his 20 yr marriage, it will crash and burn.

He will come crawling back.

These 2 things are almost certain.

Aside from that, go easy on yourself right now. The flood of emotions is enough to floor you. Don't expect to make sense of anything and don't make any decisions. Stay away from him, complete no contact for a few weeks. Silence is incredibly powerful. When you've had time to digest and gained some ability to think straight again, move forward and divorce him.

Sending you love, strength and a big hug for the tough times ahead. Know that you will emerge stronger and he will be left in the dirt.

He has ended things with her. It wasn’t physical in terms of them having had sex as she lives too far away, but he was sexting and arranging to meet, I just caught him before the deed was done.

He seemed to want to try to work things out, which I could have tried if he had actually been able to say that he wanted his life with me. Unfortunately all he could say was that he loved me but he didn’t know if it was enough.

Not defending him in any way here, but he has been having some significant mental health issues for the past couple of years due to a personal issue, and I think he has lost the plot to be honest. But I’ve told him he needs to get help and he needs to leave because it’s not enough for him just to think he loves me.

I have been appreciating the support from everyone. I have family I can talk to and vent to, but it’s hard when they all know you and either want it to work or want him to burn in hell.

Did he end things? Or did she. The answer to that question would probably change my decision making process if I was in your awful situation. I hope you're ok.

I worked out that they had spoken outside of work one day, and I just knew in my heart. I asked him about it and he started to
cover it up and then told me everything. He has asked her to stop contacting him, and he has told work he will not be returning for a little while (she leaves his department soon)

Since this has all been happening he slowly realised that he is having a midlife crisis - a nice big and extreme midlife crisis. He isn’t at home right now, he has gone, it’s sort of a mutual decision. I asked him to go and now he is saying he wants to stay home to clear his head.

He is having his first counselling session today, and he has a doctors appointment tomorrow to see about medication, so he is doing the right things…I guess.

It’s an odd one for me, because I know I can move on and pretend it didn’t happen, but then I am mad at myself. 2 weeks ago I would have laughed at someone like me and said no way would I take back a cheater. I suppose I wonder at what point I have to look at the situation and say ok, this is a huge crisis in your life and you are getting medication and seeking help, I can deal with this. And at what point I have to question everything about him. It’s so strange because this is more out of character than you could ever know.

Can mental health issues ever be an excuse for cheating. He doesn’t want to be with her, he knows she was just an embarrassing mistake he has made, and that ‘Becky with the good hair’ is just fantasy…but does that make our relationship of almost 2 decades completely worthless.

I am really interested in hearing people’s opinions. Not just LTB comments or other all men are awful posts, but people who have faced this situation before, whether it was salvageable, whether it should be salvageable. I don’t just mean can cheating be forgiven, but can cheating in this kind of situation ever be forgotten.

They always blame mental health. Easy cop out. I’m In the same boat with my self-absorbed ex husband. Kick him to the kerb - mental health is no excuse for treating people like dirt,

I think it very much depends on what YOU want, do YOU want to work on it, are you willing to try again. If the answer is yes, then a lot will depend on how and what he's going to do to repair the damage he's done. Your post is all about him, but you need to put yourself first now

My dh had an affair and we agreed to try again, he was very remorseful, but he didn't tell me everything, minimised, wouldn't talk about it so I was left with so many unanswered questions. I found out 3 years later that he hadn't told me the 'whole' truth and that was it for me. I left him there and then. I had struggled for the 3 years, and I do think it could have worked if he'd been transparent and honest with me. But because he hadn't I tied myself in knots

OK, you're wasting your time, you'll regret it later but you're free to do that.

I'm sorry but I could not get over that - it would be like a poison seeping into me every single day.

Your story is absolutely identical to what has happened to several friends of mine not to mention the posts from many women on this site every day. Its shocking how the stories barely vary from word to word. Right down to the blaming it on their mental health/woe is me stories etc.when they decide they want to keep their foot in the door with their wife.

Are you sure he doesn't now want to "try again" with you because Becky has suddenly gone cold on him?

Proceed with caution OP, I wouldn't believe a word he says.

Yeah nope. His MH isn't the cause of his sexting. Just an excuse.

Why don’t you have a trial separation and tell him he has a lot to prove. If he puts the effort in, you could consider couples therapy.

I was firmly in the LTB camp but … might be worth a shot.

'Can mental health issues ever be an excuse for cheating.'

No but it can be the context in which the affair happens but imho there is usually a base issue that needs to be faced. When it's broken down they chose to cheat to fix whatever 'sad' they had, the affair was their way of self medicating. They chose to pass the pain on to those that love them, their partner, their children, their extended family. Their choice of how to deal was selfish and entitled.

This is where counselling, and reading extensively does help them but most do not choose to do that work. They lack the conviction as it really is hard to face your own demons.

'whether it was salvageable, whether it should be salvageable'

Whether relationships after affairs are isalvageable... yes... absolutely. I'm happily reconciled after an affair which happened during a mental health crisis.

Should you reconcile is a question only you can answer. No one on mumsnet can possibly know your husband, and your relationship. But it's not always the safest route for you emotionally, cheats don't have a good track record for not repeating the behaviour. You can make it safer by being really clear on what remorse looks like and what healthy reconciliation looks like. Surviving infidelity is a great site, check out their reconciliation thread. 'How to help my spouse heal from my affair' is a good starting book to help you get what remorse feels like, and the steps the cheating partner has to take to rebuild trust. Affair recovery videos are great too.

You also need to work on yourself and really delve into whether cheating is a deal breaker for you or not. But whatever you decide he should give you time, he's broken your trust in a terrible way.

I do not regret my decision, I'm really happy and I do trust my husband but he was prepared to really delve deep to prove he's a safer partner for me. It's not an easy road. Check out the resources they will help you

It's about power. He could behave like that because he wanted to - you had no say. Now he wants back in and is confident you will let him do as he wants. And how sure are you that he ended it, not her? My experience is that men like him don't change and his ability to be faithful is dependant on no-one wanting him!

Shameless man. Don't worry this little bimbo will leave him as soon as his money runs dry and will be begging on his knees for u to take him back in

Regarding finances I would ask the social system if they can help as I'm sure they have schemes for single parents and vulnerable adults.

Thanks…I needed to hear it from someone it happened to.

i am grateful for the comments from everyone, even the LTB ones. I just needed to hear the good the bad and the ugly. His girl hasn’t cooled on him, I caught him, she messaged him, then he cut contact.

he is currently at his parents house, getting his head straight (CF) and I am working on me. I’ll change the things that I was doing wrong in his eyes, but that’s for me and not him…ultimately he is right about things that have changed about me (I asked, he didn’t volunteer) and I will need to change these things to be the me that I know I am, but this is for me, not him.

he will start his counselling in the coming days, it has now been sorted, and should he decide to come home and I am willing to accept him then I will insist on marriage counselling. I also should say that he has had counselling in the past, but he ran out of sessions with work…I won’t allow that to happen again, it’ll be continuous counselling even if he has to pay for it. Anything that will work - IF we decide to try again

I’ll be checking out the book that was recommend - if he wants to make it work then he needs to prove it and getting himself educated on the damage he has done is definitely the way to start.