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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He has just walked out

70 replies

aloneandlost · 27/06/2022 05:39

Happy (I thought) marriage, together for 20 years…he just left me because he has been distracted by becky with the good hair. (15 years his jr)

i can’t afford my house - after bills I will have negative 250 and that’s before I get food.

im heartbroken and need a friend

OP posts:

Sofacouchboredom · 30/06/2022 06:41

'I’ll change the things that I was doing wrong in his eyes, but that’s for me and not him…ultimately he is right about things that have changed about me (I asked, he didn’t volunteer) and I will need to change these things to be the me that I know I am, but this is for me, not him.'

I'm so glad that it helped and yes do get that book.

I just wanted to say be careful not to blame yourself in any way for his cheating. Problems in marriages can be split any which way 50:50 40:60 20:80 whatever BUT cheating is 100% on the cheat. He chose to cheat instead of dealing openly and honestly with his relationship. Make sure you don't let him blame shift. I completely get you're aware that you need to do something and I'm glad you're saying it's for yourself. His soul searching needs to happen in the context of no blame apportioned to you though.

I will add, don't feel shame for wanting to stay. There are many of us out there. You've been through enough than to add that nasty into the mix, (I have so much beef with the shaming nonsense I see on here). You do you, but do it wisely and with as much thought on personal boundaries and your emotional safety in mind.

Midlifemusings · 30/06/2022 07:01

Mental illness can impact and shift how someone views themselves and the people around them. It isn’t uncommon for people with depression to take on a very negative view of them self and to think different about how others view them. Mental illness does impact on thought content and thought process and insight and judgment.

That doesn’t mean that a person who has a mental illness is no longer aware of right or wrong or that they can’t still make moral decisions, however their view of themselves and others is often skewed in that decision making.

He is still responsible for his choices, he is a competent adult but his mental health and his skewed thinking is part of the context in which those choices were made

Mindymomo · 30/06/2022 07:20

No advice from me, but it seems you both have put things in place to try and make your relationship and marriage work and I wish you well.

Original poster

aloneandlost · 30/06/2022 19:37

Thank you for the advice. You are right about the shame. I feel like I’m going to look like an idiot if I take him back, but I’m conscious that I don’t want to just tell him to leave as I could be ‘cutting my nose off to spite my face’.

Ive been in the situation where a stupid comment/act spiralled and it lost me all of my childhood friends. This could all have been sorted with the acceptance of an apology that was truly genuine. If he is truly sorry and wants to make this work, then I think I should at least hear him out.

ultimately I expect that this time next year I will be single, but I don’t know. What I can guarantee though, is that this time next year I am happier, healthier and finally taking care of myself, single or married.

OP posts:

4NonBlondes2022 · 01/07/2022 05:45

Wish I knew who the op is - me? Or someone else. 🥺

Original poster

aloneandlost · 03/07/2022 17:38

4NonBlondes2022 · 01/07/2022 05:45

Wish I knew who the op is - me? Or someone else. 🥺

I hope you aren’t going through the same thing :( hugs

OP posts:

4NonBlondes2022 · 05/07/2022 02:24

Looked me right in the eyes. Which one? Please don't say it's J. PLEASE. She doesn't know him. The real him. I do and love him.

silentpool · 05/07/2022 02:44

OP, I would not let him come back. Do the counselling but start to rebuild your life without him. Some people do make it work but can there ever be trust there again? Now you know what he is like, is he the person you loved or a stranger?

4NonBlondes2022 · 05/07/2022 03:53

I knew what he was like for 20+ years and I love him SO much. But never ever ever EVER thought he would leave me for - I can't even say it - if its who I think she is. If everyone in the world hears a woman screaming one morning (next Friday?) it'll be me. She doesn't know him. I do, and love every single bit of him, inside and out, stayed 100 percent loyal as not to disrespect him and also still have no interest in anyone else at all. Tried to make him happy, never said no, til something I felt was happening (was I right?) That made my wonderful life and future with him crash. Praying I'm totally wrong and just crazy.

S0upertrooper · 05/07/2022 04:14

Hi OP, I went through this 25 years ago. My son was young, I was devastated and had a breakdown, I was completely blindsided by his affair. I told him to leave (he was leaving for her anyway) but I was a mess and played the pick me dance. This was before mums net sadly and I really couldn't cope.

I moved out of the family home, we shared custody and I tried to rebuild my life. Then (I now know predictably) 4 months later he came back and I fell for it as I was still raw and still loved him. We had joint counselling, individual counselling and did this together, apart dance for a few years. We got back together after 4 years and have been together ever since.

He has been very remorseful and totally understands how horrific his actions were, says it's the worst mistake of his life. I love him I trust him not to do it again but I don't think I 100% forgive him. I am a different person now, I'm older and I understand myself better. I often wish I'd had the strength then to step away from him and not take him back.

My son is 28 and in a relationship. I really hope he isn't ever unfaithful but if he was I would support and encourage his partner to separate from him because I'm not sure a relationship can fully recover. In some ways I think in the long term it might be harder to stay together (and it's bloody hard to leave).

Don't be too hasty about taking him back. You haven't done anything wrong here and you are entitled to take your time to decide what's right for you. Good luck

4NonBlondes2022 · 05/07/2022 04:54

I don't know. As far as I know, no. Though I ...😔

Oestrogelsmuggler · 05/07/2022 05:31

You've had good advice, OP, so I'm here just to say that you sound fab- the Beyonce reference, the dry humour, and the self-awareness. I hope you learn and grow as a result of this, and that you are loved in the future in the way you deserve to be - wholeheartedly.

4NonBlondes2022 · 05/07/2022 05:35

So its ok for you to take him back and are still together, yet telling me not to. And don't be hasty about taking him back? Insists he's not leaving, so we're still together. I love him SO much, but if that happens, after us together longer than anyone else he's been with, goes off on long trip with someone else - maybe getting married? No way. Wouldn't change that pain ever again. Firm, solid no. I tried my best til something happened. Still wanting and wishing so hard to try to do whatever necessary to improve and share a new healthy happy life together. But don't know if he wants to.

WhatsInAMolatovMocktail · 05/07/2022 05:51

Good luck. It is brave to try and forgive and find a path through this. It isnt necessarily stupid; cheaters CAN become faithful again, and they can have real regret plus the fear of "losing everything " can be very persuasive.

My advice would be, if he is the higher earner and you are scraping pennies to pay off shared debt: make sure you get yourself some savings over the next year or so that you spend trying to fix the marriage. Instead of putting all your pennies into the debt, start building yourself some savings. And tell DH you want him to pick up a bigger share of the debt, as if you decide to split up you're screwed (can't afford the house, etc). Ask if he will put some of the debt in his own name as a goodwill gesture to recognise that if you split up you will be in terrible financial distress and cannot have that much debt hanging over you.

Make him responsible for clearing the debt within the 2 years.

So sorry you are going through this.

LittleStarBar · 05/07/2022 05:56

4NonBlondes Why don't your start your own thread if you need some advice? Your posts on here aren't making much sense but I hope you are ok.

aloneandlost I would be wondering if he's only changed his mind about her because you found out. It's not so exiting now it's not a secret.

Also, you only need to change things about yourself if you want to.
Be careful that he isn't listing things that are 'wrong' with you as a way to excuse his behaviour...

Sorry you are going through this. I wish you all the best

4NonBlondes2022 · 05/07/2022 06:22

II don’t even want to be on here. We were going to change for the better together. Nothing on earth would make me happier if he changed his mind about her. But reading 1000s of their chats and what was said I sadly doubt it. Why me when she’s obsessed with him and beautiful, happy, carefree, no worries, focused on him. I love him but why be with me when he can be with her. I’m so sad.can’t be any sadder.

Sofacouchboredom · 05/07/2022 06:28

@4NonBlondes2022 start your own thread for advice for you. You're confusing things. This is the OPs thread for advice unique to HER situation.

Just from what you're saying the advice would be different for you!

LittleStarBar · 05/07/2022 06:29

4NonBlondes You deserve better than him 'Changing his mind' now.
Why don't you start your own thread so people can give you some proper support

Sofacouchboredom · 05/07/2022 06:31

@aloneandlost I hope you're ok and that he is following through with his promises to you.

MiniPiccolo · 05/07/2022 07:43

Oh OP... it's not that he's changed his mind. It's that she was stringing him along and she's probably backed away. He doesn't want to "work on it". I imagine he's fallen for a sugar baby type scam or similar and his ego being stroked (albeit artificially) caused it.

He's a pig. Leave him in his own mess.

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