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Confused about a guy
24

Ellielikes87 · 26/06/2022 20:50

Me (34f) and him (34m) have been seeing each other for 6 months now and we’ve been great together. He makes me laugh, he treats me great, we have long conversations where we confide in each other, we talk about future and families, have same values. We know everything about each other and get along great. However there are few things about him that l’m confused about. First Our chemistry is not there. More from his side, He doesn’t seem as he wants to be intimate with me. It happened that he kinda turned me down when l was at his place. He doesn’t kiss/touch me much. On valentines day we didn’t do anything. Recently he kinda snubbed me for his birthday. He spent it with his friends and invited me to join, but l couldn’t make it cause l was at work. When l asked to meet him alone, for dinner, he ignored me. I still never gave him his present and l only saw him once this month.
lately he’s always “busy” ..

On the other hand, he always wants me to be around his friends and family and
now, - he is eager for me to go to his brothers wedding . He says to me it’s very very important to him that l come to that wedding. Does he like me? Or does he just want to show me off to his family and needs a wedding date?
I don’t know what to think l’ve never been so confused in my life.

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thelastshadowpuppet · 26/06/2022 20:52

Actions speak louder than words.

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forlornlorna1 · 26/06/2022 20:53

First thing that springs to my mind is he's gay. Using you for friends and family things to appear in a relationship. But you're not you're just friends. You deserve better

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rosiebl · 26/06/2022 20:55

Definitely gay and in the closet to his family. You are his beard OP. Sorry. Drop him.

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Cakecakecheese · 26/06/2022 20:57

Maybe he's under pressure from his family to get a girlfriend? Try asking him what's going on but you're not an accessory and he could be wasting your time.

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seaUrchinOne · 26/06/2022 21:02

Seeing each other for 6 months and not been intimate? you're just a friend to him or he's in the closet.

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Ellielikes87 · 26/06/2022 23:16

he comes from catholic family and recently told me his parents weren’t intimate until they got married.

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BigFatLiar · 26/06/2022 23:20

We didn't have sex until we married. I does happen that there are people who don't.

Have you spoken to him about it? Perhaps he's just awkward about sex.

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hotcoldnotsold · 26/06/2022 23:43

Ellielikes87 · 26/06/2022 23:16

he comes from catholic family and recently told me his parents weren’t intimate until they got married.

Well unless you're catholic too, this won't work will it? He's obviously quite strict about it (is it just sex or does he go to church regularly etc) so if you're not religious, not sure why he'd be dating you....I would think in this case, he's likely gay and you're a beard.

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DontLookBackInAnger1 · 26/06/2022 23:51

I've had a few religious friends in the past. Not having sex didn't hold them back from being intimate in other ways.

I'm sorry, but not touching? Kissing? Lack of dates.

He's just not into you. Whether that's because he's gay or not, it's still not worth it.

You're 34 and want a family, you don't have time to waste it on someone who clearly doesn't want the same things. Move on quickly

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Amdone123 · 26/06/2022 23:57

If there's no chemistry after 6 months, time to call it a day.
Even if he doesn't want sex due to his religion, that's fine and I could respect that, but as pps have said, there are other ways to be intimate.
He's using you, I'm afraid.

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Ellielikes87 · 27/06/2022 01:00

Yeah not really touching or making out. We kiss goodbye every time we hang out .. buy it’s like very quick kiss. We always had such a great time hanging out that l was like “wow for the first time l’m dating a guy who’s not in it for sex”. Also he’s been so eager for me to come to his brothers wedding, since l would be abroad for the summer, he even offered to buy me plane ticket to go back and forth. I said l wont make it, and he got quite upset and hasn’t been very responsive since.. l keep feeling bad about it and l feel did something wrong there.

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hotcoldnotsold · 27/06/2022 01:23

Ellielikes87 · 27/06/2022 01:00

Yeah not really touching or making out. We kiss goodbye every time we hang out .. buy it’s like very quick kiss. We always had such a great time hanging out that l was like “wow for the first time l’m dating a guy who’s not in it for sex”. Also he’s been so eager for me to come to his brothers wedding, since l would be abroad for the summer, he even offered to buy me plane ticket to go back and forth. I said l wont make it, and he got quite upset and hasn’t been very responsive since.. l keep feeling bad about it and l feel did something wrong there.

Maybe he wants you at the wedding so desperately because it's a chance to prove to his family he has a gf and stop any rumours hes gay....? If he's too busy to see you, ignored you over his bday, isn't intimate - he's not a bf. And if he hasn't even explained WHY he won't have sex and to check you're ok with it, then he doesn't care about your wants/needs either. Honestly, whatever the reason, he's just using you as a cover for something.

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Natty13 · 27/06/2022 02:34

Regardless of the reasons for his behaviours, there is absolutely no future with a man who won't communicate with you about them.

Not wanting to have sex or be intimate - could be lots of reasons but he hasn't talked to you about it.

The desperation for you to attend his brother's wedding - could be lots of explanations but he hasn't offered any.

And so on. You can't build a life with someone who doesn't talk to you about the difficult stuff or how they feel.

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frozendaisy · 27/06/2022 05:30

He can snub you but you can't turn down a wedding invitation when you are abroad?

Too imbalanced.

Time to give up.

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BlueSlate · 27/06/2022 06:32

I dated someone like this a couple of ago. Very, very similar...

Rarely had sex and when we did there was no intimacy and didn't appear to have any feelings for me yet we spent every weekend together; I went away for the weekend with him and some of his friends; he introduced me to all of his friends; both of his parents were dead and he didn't get on with his sisters so I didn't meet family. But no communication that was going to advance the relationship. It always felt like we were in the first 3 or 4 dates!

In the end I ended it because it was just confusing and I kept thinking "if he liked me, I'd know it and it wouldn't be confusing." I became very good friends with his best ate amd we are still good friends now. Even his best mate had no idea what he thought or felt about me one way or the other.

I'm with someone now who is perfect for me.

It won't get any better and it'll destroy your peace of mind.

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Naunet · 27/06/2022 09:46

I’m sorry OP, but to me it sounds like he’s using you as a prop.
Even if that’s not the case though, his communication is terrible, and if he doesn’t believe in sex before marriage he should have been very clear about that from the start. I’d be out.

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WeeOrcadian · 27/06/2022 09:53

You've done nothing wrong OP. My first thought was "you're his beard". My second thought was "could he be asexual?"



Though I'm curious - does he attend church regularly? Are you Catholic too? Because if not, it sounds more like he's using his 'Catholicism' as an excuse to not be intimate. If that's the case - why? And I direct you to the above statements.



It sounds like you're not happy and you never need a reason beyond that, to call it a day. Everyone deserves happiness.

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Snoopfroggyfrogg · 27/06/2022 10:10

Theres a definite element of convenience and or deception coming across here. Whether or not he's gay, asexual, not interested but wants his family off his back I don't know but there's just no chemistry, is there? Ok he's nice and you have a laugh but I'm sure you have this with your friends.

Re the Catholicism stuff, I'm afraid it sounds like an excuse. Has he said to you explicitly 'I am of the catholic belief that there should be no sex before marriage, but I am looking forward to having sex after marriage in due course' or words to that effect (that wording is cringe but you know what I mean) or just something vague about his parents? Anyone devoutly religious that I know is very adept at finding ways of being intimate without breaking the rules so to speak.

Dont waste time trying to figure him out. You're mid 30s and want a family. If he's not that bothered about seeing you (only once this month?!) but wants to book you in for each family occasion then maybe have a serious conversation but I would expect obfuscation tbh. After a few months it shouldn't feel so off.

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Watchkeys · 27/06/2022 10:16

I don’t know what to think l’ve never been so confused in my life

Avoid any relationship that makes you feel like this. By staying in a relationship like this, you are essentially asking for more confusion. This is how the relationship makes you feel, so, if you don't like it, walk away. It doesn't matter why.

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BigFatLiar · 27/06/2022 16:09

Perhaps he doesn't want to risk a pregnancy?

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Ellielikes87 · 28/06/2022 02:38

Thank you for the advice, this group is very supporting and it has been really eye opening for me.
Yeah this relationship definitely makes me feel confused. I didn’t want to admit it to myself, for a long time. I want to settle down. At first things have been going so well with him, except for the intimacy part. Even the strange moment of him not wanting to sleep with me, - and we were in bed together, (nothing happened other then kissing and then later him turning to the side) didn’t alarm me as everything else about him was great. I figured it’s something we could work on. He was always so funny, caring, so consistent. Lately l’ve been noticing a pattern of him being always “busy” and having plans with friends, which he would always invite me to, ..but nothing like one on one date. I have seen him only once in a whole month of June. So .. l came to realize this is not something l should accept As a serious relationship.

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Dery · 28/06/2022 06:06

That’s a good realisation, OP. You’re confused because his words don’t match his actions but it’s his actions that really count. For whatever reason, he wants to be seen to have a girlfriend but doesn’t really want to have a girlfriend. As PP have said, even if he were waiting until marriage to have sex, there are plenty of other ways he can be intimate but he isn’t. And he isn’t that interested in seeing you either. He’s wasting your time. Particularly if you want children, please don’t let him waste any more of it.

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getupstandupsitdown · 28/06/2022 06:52

You're right to think this is off ... it is. If you only saw him once in June and there's no intimacy, that's not really a relationship. At best , he's using you as his plus one when he needs to do h looks like he has a girlfriend to his family, which is strange behaviour too.

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Pinkbonbon · 28/06/2022 08:48

forlornlorna1 · 26/06/2022 20:53

First thing that springs to my mind is he's gay. Using you for friends and family things to appear in a relationship. But you're not you're just friends. You deserve better

I thought gay too.

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