Would you be pissed off?

[Over40Overdating]

After too many to count dead end situations with men over 40 on dating apps, a few months ago I gave it one last shot and met a lovely guy.

We have lots in common, share the same values and long term goals, have a great time together, laugh a lot and the sex is great.

A couple of months in we had ‘the chat’ about where it was going and he admitted he wasn’t ready to commit to a serious relationship as he was still dealing with his previous breakup.

He wasn’t and isn’t (he says!) seeing anyone else, wanted us to keep seeing each other but was clear he wasn’t in a position to commit long term yet.
I took a couple of weeks out to think about it and agreed we could continue dating to see where it goes as long as neither of us were on dating apps or seeing anyone else. He agreed.

The next few months were even better, we’ve taken it slowly and really enjoyed getting to know each other with no pressure and we’ve started to talk about going away together. We spend most weekends together, take it in turns to go to the others city, plan dates etc.

All feeling positive and good and one of the healthiest dating experiences I’ve had - until this week.
Communication dropped off a cliff. It was his ‘turn’ to suggest a date but nothing. I tested positive for Covid a couple of days ago and let him know. All I got was ‘well I don’t have it so don’t worry‘.

He’s not checked in on me once - usually he’s very attentive and caring so this is a big change.
I’m not even talking about him offering to come look after me - he hasn’t even sent a text to ask how I am and I am CEX which he knows.

Because of my previous experience with men from dating apps, I’m tempted to leave him to his silence and move on. Men going hot and cold is a game I no longer play.

This will be the first weekend we haven’t seen each other at all in 3 months. It’s a total turnaround to even a couple of weeks ago when we both remarked on how doing simple low key things together like going for a walk and making dinner felt as exciting and lovely as doing a big weekend away (I’m not usually that soppy 😳).

I honestly don’t think I can even start a conversation about it because if it’s yet another middle-aged man who’s been mugging me off til someone better came along, I can’t be bothered to have that conversation again.

Am I unreasonable to feel pissed off and disappointed? Or is Covid making me a bit of a pessimistic drama llama?

I'd be pissed off. I'd find it rude, to be honest. The comment of well I don't have it sounds incredibly self centred. I'd expect a friend to have at least dropped me a text over this weekend to say How are you doing? Can I drop anything off? - never mind someone I'd been seeing for a few months.

I'd be pissed off, and hurt. And while it wouldn't change things, i would want to know why

That’s it exactly @MadMadMadamMim - whatever our dating status, I thought at least as a friend he would have shown some concern. But nothing. And the opposite of who he has been previously. 😑

I’m so jaded by dating that I’m just presuming he’s lost interest/got a better offer @Oopsiedaisyy and I can’t be arsed with asking the question that opens the conversation.

Maybe he's just busy?

He’s never yet been so busy on a weekend that he couldn’t take 30 seconds to send a text!

Well I don't have it = Pull up the ladder Jack, I'm all right.

Not going to win any prizes for empathy, is he?

Well, I'm going to try and think optimistically.. Do you think he might not want to disturb you whilst your unwell?
I mean I'd be pissed off and find it rude but I'm trying to play devil's advocate and all that ?

• you're obviously.

I think he's rude and ignorant and I wouldn't waste any more time.

How long has it been since you heard from him, and what's a normal frequency for you guys?

If it's gone a couple of days past your normal contact I'd be messaging him, I'd defo want to know for sure if he was ending things...

"Hey stranger, you've been quiet recently, what's up? I'm still alive btw, thanks for checking"

@gingersplodgecat he’d usually VERY empathetic and considerate so this is out of character.

@SunshineAndFizz we usually text daily - sometimes one text saying hello, sometimes a conversation. To not hear anything for days is unusual. Pointing this out when he’s clearly not bothered feels a bit beggy.

@IhopeYourCakeIsShit I would love to be true but he had gone awol before I said I was ill. Not hearing from him after that feels like he’s emphasising the silence.

That's really rubbish. Now that he has shown you his true colours I wouldn't even bother trying to get in touch with him.

What a total shit especially when you are poorly. Glad you found out now though rather than in a year.

I don't think it's begging, he's someone you've been messaging everyday for months. It's perfectly reasonable to ask what's going on.

Don't let him off the hook so easily - he should man up and have an adult conversation so you both know where you stand, not ghost you like a coward.

I think he's found someone else and hasn't got the guts to tell you.

It does sound like he is otherwise engaged (another dater of 40 year old + losers here too) and has lost interest. Sorry that you are ill, it makes it worse when you cannot go out and do things so you end up dwelling on the situation. I personally would not bother contacting him, he is selfish, he doesn’t care about you, you are better off without him. Hope you’re better soon.

‘well I don’t have it so don’t worry‘

What does that even mean?

Hey. Difficult times then.

I'd be tempted to allow the silence to remain. The longer it goes on, the more he reveals himself. The bad side is that he is revealing himself.

Did he want some space? Say. Did he think you wanted space? But you could be really ill and he is just leaving you to it??? The longer it goes on, the worse right?

The only possible good is that he gets to reveal who he is before you became further invested. I'm sorry tho, if with this, another one bites the dust.

I'd just wait. If he fucks off and just never contacts you again, he shows he's not a good guy or a good friend and while that's horrible, you need to know.

@SunshineAndFizz you’re right but I feel like I’ve had this conversation so many times in response to this behaviour from men now.

Being ill and alone already has me feeling fragile, not sure I can take the ‘I was dating other people all along and found someone I want to commit to’😔

@SailingNotSurfing feels like it.

@WomanHere thanks. It’s bloody hard dating in this age range, isn’t it?

@something2say yup, I am leaning in to letting the silence speak for him. It really did feel like I’d found a good, proper friend regardless of the dating thing. Clearly not that good. Even if he does pipe up again, it feels like he’s not who I thought. I would absolutely have checked in on him and offered to drop anything he needed off.

Because of my previous experience with men from dating apps, I’m tempted to leave him to his silence and move on

Sounds like you've learned to have healthy boundaries.

I would have fucked him off when he first said he wasn’t ready for a committed relationship. What the fuck is he doing dating then? He basically told you that he was only up for no strings shagging. And you waved it on through.

To be fair, that was the moment when he let you know he would do this to you at some point down the line.

Not that that doesn’t make him a massive twat for keeping you dangling.

You have all the information you need to act now anyway. You don’t need a drawn out conversation where you get permission from him to end it.

If and when he comes crawling back just tell him to get lost.

I hope you get better soon.

@TheMushroom

What the fuck is he doing dating then

He's dating! It doesn't have to be 'with a view to a long term relationship'. He's been quite open and clear with OP. He's not 'a massive twat' just because OP didn't take him at his word.

I agree with @TheMushroom .
Hope you're feeling better soon @Over40Overdating

I didn’t not take him at his word @Watchkeys

We agreed to see how things developed and be honest with each other about how we were feeling. The last time we had a check in conversation he suggested going away together.

Even in a casual situation, to go from speaking every day to nothing and not even bothering to check in on someone you spend a lot of time with, with no heads up or conversation, is not ok because it’s not heading to a long term relationship. It’s basic courtesy. That’s why I’m pissed off.