Would you be pissed off?

[Over40Overdating]

After too many to count dead end situations with men over 40 on dating apps, a few months ago I gave it one last shot and met a lovely guy.

We have lots in common, share the same values and long term goals, have a great time together, laugh a lot and the sex is great.

A couple of months in we had ‘the chat’ about where it was going and he admitted he wasn’t ready to commit to a serious relationship as he was still dealing with his previous breakup.

He wasn’t and isn’t (he says!) seeing anyone else, wanted us to keep seeing each other but was clear he wasn’t in a position to commit long term yet.
I took a couple of weeks out to think about it and agreed we could continue dating to see where it goes as long as neither of us were on dating apps or seeing anyone else. He agreed.

The next few months were even better, we’ve taken it slowly and really enjoyed getting to know each other with no pressure and we’ve started to talk about going away together. We spend most weekends together, take it in turns to go to the others city, plan dates etc.

All feeling positive and good and one of the healthiest dating experiences I’ve had - until this week.
Communication dropped off a cliff. It was his ‘turn’ to suggest a date but nothing. I tested positive for Covid a couple of days ago and let him know. All I got was ‘well I don’t have it so don’t worry‘.

He’s not checked in on me once - usually he’s very attentive and caring so this is a big change.
I’m not even talking about him offering to come look after me - he hasn’t even sent a text to ask how I am and I am CEX which he knows.

Because of my previous experience with men from dating apps, I’m tempted to leave him to his silence and move on. Men going hot and cold is a game I no longer play.

This will be the first weekend we haven’t seen each other at all in 3 months. It’s a total turnaround to even a couple of weeks ago when we both remarked on how doing simple low key things together like going for a walk and making dinner felt as exciting and lovely as doing a big weekend away (I’m not usually that soppy 😳).

I honestly don’t think I can even start a conversation about it because if it’s yet another middle-aged man who’s been mugging me off til someone better came along, I can’t be bothered to have that conversation again.

Am I unreasonable to feel pissed off and disappointed? Or is Covid making me a bit of a pessimistic drama llama?

The main thing is that you focus on getting well, @Over40Overdating This covid variant whipping round at the moment is making people feel really tired, and resting is good if you can.

As for matey boy, I'd be pissed off and wanting an explanation. I'm still trying to work out what he could possibly have meant by, ‘well I don’t have it so don’t worry‘. Was that your last ever communication? It seems odd.

Whilst I don't disagree that it's not unreasonable to ask what's going on, that whole man up thing often doesn't really exist and as for basic courtesy...🙄
I'm a big believer in keeping one's dignity so just wouldn't expose myself to any bulls**t .
Move on lady, you're worth it.

He said he didn't want to commit. You kept seeing him, thereby agreeing to a none-committed relationship. Now you are upset because he's non-committal.

He told you precisely what was going on for him. There were 2 outcomes. You're upset because you didn't get the one you wanted, not because he went against his word.

I don't think I'd let him off the hook that easily.

Hi I've met someone who is looking for a more committed relationship. I didn't want to be a rude coward and just ghost you so I thought it was only decent to let you know. Thanks for a fun few months, from X.

I'd go for this!!!

I wouldn't bother with a man who's non committal if you're looking for a relationship
It means he isn't interested enough, why waste time on a man who doesn't see the same as you.
You're expectations for speaking every day is high maintenance for a man who isn't in a proper relationship with you. I think actually you should keep your options open, doesn't mean you have to sleep with them but you may miss out finding someone more suitable.

Sadly this. I'm pissed off for you too OP. This dating milarky is such hard work.

Sounds like he's had a better offer.

This dating milarky is such hard work

It's a lot easier if, when you're looking for a committed relationship, you walk away immediately from anybody who says 'I'm not looking for a committed relationship right now.'

@Watchkeys I can see how it looks like that.
I will be gutted if he has met someone else - but more because we agreed we wouldn’t see anyone else and would be honest if that was what one/either of us wanted.
He’s had the opportunity to say that’s what he wanted - his response was to say he was very happy with how things were going and to kick it up a gear.

If he’s lied about that, that’s the issue if you see what I mean? And if his solution is to ghost me without a word, that’s shitty. Nothing to do with commitment, just acting with respect.

I know that’s asking a lot of men on dating sites though.

I wouldn’t jump to conclusions here.

You’ve said you’re poorly and he could be giving you your space until you feel better again or he could be feeling that you’ve used this as an excuse not to see him or something, or he could be just a dick.

Has he ignored your texts?

The trouble is when we’re poorly we’re sat there with not much to do and the time feels longer than if we were busy working, shopping, pottering about etc so you may feel like it’s an issue and he may not see the problem.

But at no point have I said stayed in the situation hoping it would turn into an LTR.

Actually taking that off the table and just dating for fun and seeing what happened made it a much nicer experience for me and healthier I think - til now!

And if he has buggered off, I’ll be annoyed at that and think he’s a twat for how he’s done it, but still think it was a much more positive, honest experience than some of the ‘committed’ relationships I’ve had.

But yes, I did develop expectations - one being that someone I now consider a friend, would have checked in on me when I came down with Covid.

And re the daily texting - that precedent was set by him.

Honestly this kind of 360 is always a bad sign... jaded i may be, or just experienced with these 40 something fuck abouts and fed up with the pattern.

I'd match his energy for a bit, see what happens, but I'd not expect much im afraid
X

I think a lot of men are lovely and caring when you’re their current interest but quickly turn that off when you’re not. Probably why many men can go cold and withdraw and become like strangers when they fall out of love, meet another woman etc They compartmentalise better than us
We expect care and friendship to remain but it’s ‘next’ for many.

whatever he agreed to, he stated he didn’t want a commitment. You’re either committed, with all that entails, or it’s fwb, don’t think there’s any middle ground

It’s very hurtful and I hope you feel better soon

It’s horrible being ghosted and you’re definitely right to be pissed off.

However, by going along with his whole ‘dating for fun and seeing what happens’, you’ve given him a get out of jail free card because in his mind, if it’s not serious he doesn’t owe you anything. At least that’s how he’ll rationalise it anyway. He never wanted to see what would happen - he was having a nice time and getting sex with zero commitment so continued to string you along until he met someone else or simply lost interest. It’s a brutal lesson to learn but this is how SO many men behave.

You could message him and explain how you feel but honestly, he’ll either tell you what I’ve just said about it not being serious or you won’t even get a response because he simply doesn’t care.

It’s actually quite chilling the way men can just drop you after being affectionate and caring for months.

Just thinking about it. I tested positive last week, I've had men who are exes or are/were hookups show more concern for how i am than this guy has. Knob.

No. She's upset that a person in her life she had been spending a lot of time with can't even be bothered to ask how she is when she has covid. Nothing to do with commitment, just basic manners and concern for someone not well. I treat my colleagues and neighbours better than that.

That’s it exactly @5128gap @Oopsiedaisyy - people I would not have expected to have checked in on me, and yet nada from someone I usually speak to every day.

Even my bosses wife, who I’ve met once, offered to Uber me shopping if I needed it and she’s in another country!

Ach, well.

@5128gap

OP started her post like this

After too many to count dead end situations with men over 40 on dating apps, a few months ago I gave it one last shot and met a lovely guy

This isn't a 'my new friend suddenly seems not to care about me' thread. This is a 'I expected the guy I've been dating to care more about me' thread. It's not really ok to get into a no-strings thing and expect them to care when you're sick. He'll have found someone else to fill the gap until OP's better, won't he?

But it's what those comms MEAN. That he has to care, that he has to look after you, that 'this is relationship-like.'

I reckon this type of thinking is relevant.

Either way though, he is coming off as a knob. And the OP has had a sad shock that she didn't expect.

OP, would you like a proper committed relationship one day? I ask as a 47yr old who has recently ended an engagement and is looking at living alone forever now, as have seen the reality of commitment and not sure it's for me. I could end up with 'lovers' - interesting men I see for dates, no questions asked, hot dates and sex, but no living together, no compromising, no financial risks, no getting involved with their family. I do not want a proper relationship now as I have seen the reality.

Are you younger and looking for the whole shebang?

If so, ditch men like this. If he doesn't know enough about how he feels for you to want to commit to you by now, he isn't that interested and will likely disappear - and that's not good enough if you want to be loved. For me, that might work. But for you - is it what you want? If not, I genuinely think that it's going to be nothing nothing nothing SOMETHING with dating - no sticking around wasting time when they demonstrate lukewarm commitment. This guy is not worth wasting your years on.

Depends on how low your minimum standards are. I'd expect anyone I spent a significant amount of my free time with to care if I was sick, at least to the point of a casual enquiry. Its not a ONS or purely physical, they see each other regularly and are at least the equivalent of friends.You don't have to be in a committed relationship to text 'how are you feeling?'. The man is rude and its absolutely OK for the OP to expect more.

@something2say I didn’t expect him to turn up in a nurses uniform or ask me for daily updates : literally one text would have done!

Given his previous behaviour has been very caring and considerate - it’s out of character. If he’d never shown any concern this wouldn’t be a surprise or hurt.

I think it’s pretty bleak that unless we are in fully committed relationships we can’t expect the bare minimum of friendship/courtesy from the people we date. It’s a pretty low bar as it is, it seems.

I am a similar age to you and if I am honest, I no longer expect to find a long term relationship; it has taken me a while to accept that and was part of the reason I decided to give the no expectations dating thing with this guy a go.

I don’t want to give up on fun and sex and meeting people I enjoy spending time with. Taking the pressure of ‘it has to become something serious’ off actually made it far more enjoyable.

I would like to think that there could still be room for caring about people in a situation like that.

I do see where you're coming from. But I have learnt to divide it. Men I date - no. They are not friends, they are potential romantic interests and things are more loaded.

How are you feeling anyway?

It’s a pretty low bar as it is, it seems

Yup. If you pick people who can't be arsed to commit to you, it's a low bar. There's a lesson in this.

@something2say I am still finding my feet a bit with dating without the LTR element. It’s been good practise at the very least.

I’m feeling ok, thank you - just too much time to think 💐