Would you be pissed off?

[Over40Overdating]

After too many to count dead end situations with men over 40 on dating apps, a few months ago I gave it one last shot and met a lovely guy.

We have lots in common, share the same values and long term goals, have a great time together, laugh a lot and the sex is great.

A couple of months in we had ‘the chat’ about where it was going and he admitted he wasn’t ready to commit to a serious relationship as he was still dealing with his previous breakup.

He wasn’t and isn’t (he says!) seeing anyone else, wanted us to keep seeing each other but was clear he wasn’t in a position to commit long term yet.
I took a couple of weeks out to think about it and agreed we could continue dating to see where it goes as long as neither of us were on dating apps or seeing anyone else. He agreed.

The next few months were even better, we’ve taken it slowly and really enjoyed getting to know each other with no pressure and we’ve started to talk about going away together. We spend most weekends together, take it in turns to go to the others city, plan dates etc.

All feeling positive and good and one of the healthiest dating experiences I’ve had - until this week.
Communication dropped off a cliff. It was his ‘turn’ to suggest a date but nothing. I tested positive for Covid a couple of days ago and let him know. All I got was ‘well I don’t have it so don’t worry‘.

He’s not checked in on me once - usually he’s very attentive and caring so this is a big change.
I’m not even talking about him offering to come look after me - he hasn’t even sent a text to ask how I am and I am CEX which he knows.

Because of my previous experience with men from dating apps, I’m tempted to leave him to his silence and move on. Men going hot and cold is a game I no longer play.

This will be the first weekend we haven’t seen each other at all in 3 months. It’s a total turnaround to even a couple of weeks ago when we both remarked on how doing simple low key things together like going for a walk and making dinner felt as exciting and lovely as doing a big weekend away (I’m not usually that soppy 😳).

I honestly don’t think I can even start a conversation about it because if it’s yet another middle-aged man who’s been mugging me off til someone better came along, I can’t be bothered to have that conversation again.

Am I unreasonable to feel pissed off and disappointed? Or is Covid making me a bit of a pessimistic drama llama?

Someone doesn't have to be ready to commit to a LTR just to have the common courtesy to say "sorry to hear that, how are you feeling, do you need anything" when you've been on intimate terms for a while! What a dick. I'm so sorry OP.

Hi,
Over 40 dater here.

I'm sorry to hear this is happening to you.
Your experience sounds like it could me writing out my last two dating experiences. And I'm beginning to think that most 40+men on dating apps aren't really seriously looking for committed relationships.

I think for your own closure to contact him and check in just to understand his issues.
Maybe he is busy. I'd seriously doubt that.
One thing I've learnt is when someone shows their true colours, always take that as is.

You deserve so much better so don't let this experience make you feel any different.

All the best.

@Watchkeys respectfully, I disagree.

If we only expect to be treated with basic kindness or courtesy within committed or formalised relationships the world would be pretty bleak.

I’m very grateful that my friends & neighbours & boss’s wife took 30 seconds out of their days to check in on me. As I’m grateful that you’ve taken time to reply.
You didn’t have to but you did and what you’ve shared is helpful.
Of course none of us are obliged to show any care or kindness but it doesn’t cost a lot to do it regardless of our relationship to that other person.

Thanks @CousinKrispy

And @Takinrujomu I’m sorry you’ve had rough dating experiences. It’s not for the faint hearted!

As I mentioned to a PP I don’t even expect a LTR any more but maybe old habits in dating die hard!

And you are absolutely right - when someone shows you their true colours you take them at their word!

I hope you have better experiences 💐

If be pissed off too. It sounds like he's losing interest tbh.

He is showing you where you are on his list of priorities- bin him off.

This is the thing with OLD, men want the full benefits of a girlfriend with zero comittment, complete waste of time.

He sounds like a prick and this isn't a good sign. Sorry you're feeling ill and sad :(

You're better off without him Op. sad to say, it sounds like he's been keeping you on tap but likely seeing other people too.

He’s a heartless knobhead

I think if it were me, I'd send one message saying "hey, how's it going? Not heard from you in a bit and just wanted to check something with you".

Then see if you get a courteous reply.
If it's just "I'm good, what did you want to know?" You can say "just wanted you to confirm if you were ghosting/ dropping contact (whatever you feel like) or whether you were intending to pick it back up/ carry on" etc.

Total bellend. For all he knows you could have a really bad dose and be in hospital. It's common courtesy to check in on your friends when they're sick.

I completely disagree. There are many good reasons why people don't want to commit, particularly as they get a bit older. As a matter of fact, I'm one of them. I have my reasons, which are nothing to do with not being arsed. My partner doesn't have a low bar and would accept nothing less from me than the courtesy and consideration he deserves. Respect is not synonymous with a wedding ring and joint mortgage.

i get that the silence thing is weird and I’d be pissed off but I do think you’re being a bit precious about covid

me and my friends don’t check in on each other anymore with covid given it’s no big deal anymore

plus you don’t even have to isolate so it’s not like you need stuff dropping off you can go get it yourself so he may presume you are treating it normally?

i wouldn’t contact him purely to see how long it takes him to get in touch

Putting this into context, when me, DH and kids got covid my exh dropped off a load of shopping and checked in constantly to see if we needed anything.

OP you know you deserve better. He's served his purpose for you now and has shown his true colours.

@Watapalava I’ve been bed bound all weekend, not able to leave the house, feeling like someone has battered every bone in my body with a hammer and even getting to the loo and back is exhausting. I also have an underlying health issue which makes it potentially complicated if it gets worse.

If this is as bad as I get, I’ll be happy, but I’m not being precious. It may not be a big deal for you but it still can be for lots of people.

Over 6,000 people were hospitalised just in the last week, of Covid - it's not no big deal, it's still affecting people, and our healthcare system. Hope things only improve for you, op.

I’m on my second dose of covid, first time it was barely a cold. This time has been a lot worse, I think the current variant doing the rounds is causing aggressive symptoms in a lot of people. Regardless of there not being a need to isolate, most people will not go out and intentionally spread it in a supermarket if they can help it. This bloke is an uncaring, waste of space and OP has had a lucky escape.