We are divorcing, but I found some woman's pants in my husbands laundry

[sleepymum50]

Ok, I need some advice on what to do.

as I said we are separating, but still living in the same house. We haven’t slept (sex) together for 5 years, haven’t shared a bed for I year.

i am the one instigating the separation, he keeps saying “this isn’t what I want”. But it is his controlling and entitled behaviour that makes me want to leave. We have been doing our own cooking and washing for the last 6 weeks. Before that I had been doing both (laundry 100%) in our 30 plus years.

our washing machine has been out of action a couple weeks but got fixed yesterday. My husband did his laundry first (mostly undies and socks). He told me there was room on the drying rack, so I did a small load of my stuff.

I went to hang it on the rack, and a couple of things dropped to the floor. One of which was a pair of ladies pants, black half lace, size 10 tui (sainsbury). They are absolutely, definitely not mine.

my first question. Does anyone know of a completely innocent explanation? He has been away from home overnight, but they have been normal reasons. Go to see friends, stay with his brother. Could he have gathered up the pants when he was packing his own bag?

he is notoriously messy, disorganised, forgetful and slapdash. The fact he actually put them on the drying rack and then told me there was room for my stuff makes me wonder if he even noticed they weren’t his pants.

He was out at the pub last night and I went to bed before he got back. Just to add, I didn’t even feel jealous at the thought he might be shagging around.

But I am concerned at the deceit. I have said to him, “Look were not making each other happy, you could go on and find someone else. His reply has always been who would look at an old crock like him with IBS, plus he’s not interested in someone else. (He’s not a bad catch, slim. Fit, charming, funds)

The thing is, he always twist the facts and turns it onto me. I truly believe he has narcissistic traits. I think he truly believes ‘his truth’ , so it goes around in circles.

I am loathe to confront him, as he will deny, deny and I wouldn’t put it past him to accuse me of making it up. He hates to be proved to be in the wrong.

shall I just suck it up, we’re separating anyway. Perhaps keep a closer eye on him. Look for proof.

I am finding it really hard to think he has done this, but in 30 plus years of doing his laundry, I’ve never found a rogue pair of ladies pants in our laundry.

But if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck ……..

I don't think it's surprising to be wondering what the knickers were about. Even though the OP is divorcing she will still have some confused feelings about it. It's a big deal getting divorced and only a robot could be completely emotionless about it.

Thank you all ladies for your replies.

In answer why did I start a thread, when he is perfectly entitled to have sex with someone else. I guess it’s because he is blaming me, for wanting to separate. He doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with his past behaviour, and won’t accept any responsibility. He tells me how unhappy he is, he doesn’t want this, he’s always been a good husband, and how he doesn’t want to have another woman. He is very sorry for himself.

I feel really guilty and bad about what I’m doing to him.

He has said he will not sell the house, and I will have to take him to court. We have other funds, but the house alone is more than this. He also says he won’t have enough income, although we will share a pension and he gets a state pension, which I don’t. He also says that if I have the other funds he won’t have any savings, so he wants some of that too. Oh and he wants me to pay half of the mortgage on the house, otherwise he won’t have enough to live on. It will mean me having about £1000 a month less than him to live on, but I reckon I can manage.

So the thought that’s he’s having a shag eases my mind. I know he’s back to his usual tricks of telling me one thing and doing another.But if it’s quite possible that it is an innocent mistake, then I’d go back to having a guilty conscience.

But, you are all right. My therapist on Friday, kept interrupting me to say “what do you want to do?” Every time I said “dh says…..”

Im finding it very hard to get him out of my head, and stop factoring his feelings.

But maybe it really all comes down to the money, like it usually does.

So, there you are, the whole sorry ugly mess. And it’s making me petty and I don’t like myself very much, but I don’t know how to rise above it.

If washing machine been out of action for couple of weeks where was the washing getting done. Could they have been picked up somewhere.

He wants you to pay half the mortgage but you won't be living there, and he won't sell? That can't be right.

Deceit? You're separated, albeit living in the same house, about to divorce. Living totally separate lives. I would say it's deceit if he's seeing someone.
Not sure why you're bothered since you're about to be legally divorced.

I think he probably thinks he is entitled to see someone else since you are already divorcing him and haven't had sex with him for five years. He's not really being deceitful if he hung them on the clothes airer for you to see, he is being open about it. Divorce is 'no fault' now unless you filed before the deadline in April this year so I think adultery is irrelevant and presumably he knows this.

Why will you have no pension?
You can buy years of NI contributions. Don't really understand all the rules but I am able to buy 6 years before April 2023. I'm trying my best to find this money before April!
Learn from my errors - I wasn't on mumsnet at the time of me splitting with my ex - follow the advice on mumsnet before you do or agree to anything. Find a very good lawyer and heed what they say.

Leave him to it.
They're usually inside some other woman's pair of knickers pretty quick, if you ask me.

I think with divorce, a degree of guilt is unavoidable. Also sadness, that something that you hoped would work, hasn't. But you only get 1 life OP don't throw it away on a relationship that wasn't working. You deserve happiness too. And, although he says he was happy and doesn't want a divorce, it doesn't sound like their was much joy in your marriage in recent years (sorry). So whatever happiness he found was pretty much all at your expense.

I’d pop down to Tu (sainsburys) & see if I could buy an identical pair in size 20 (or larger) & swap them.

He's winding you up.

No one forgets to put their pants back on.

You need to not care, about the pants, or how he's going to live. You need to get everything you are entitled to and stop feeling sorry for him.

I wouldn't worry about the pants, I'm far more concerned about the financial aspect of your divorce.

Please get proper legal advice quickly, just because he says something doesn't mean that it's correct or what he would be awarded.

You really need to put yourself first and do everything to look after number one ( YOU )

he's got a knicker fetish?

Sounds like your ex is setting you up to feel responsible for the split so he can screw you financially op. Now you know he is moving you need to take the blinkers off and make sure it’s a fair split. Your councillor seems to be pushing you in that direction?

A lot of what he is saying about the finances isn't true, best to seek legal advice and perhaps mediation. The guilt you are feeling is, unfortunately, inevitable, but you need to decide what's right for you ultimately.

It's really not your business anymore 🤷‍♀️

I'd ask him just because I'd like to know

He's planted them deliberately to make you jealous was my first thought xx

Don’t let him get away with taking the financial piss out of you. You don’t have to please him anymore.

Instead of worrying about the panties - get yourself better legal advice/help for the financial settlement.
You seem to be stuck in assuming that what HE wants is what is going to happen.
And it doesn’t work this way.

My exH wanted all kinds just as well. But in the end - what happened was what legally would have happened.
We shared assets and pensions, pretty equally. There is no reason why in your case of a long marriage the outcome were any different
It doesn’t matter that he ‘doesn’t want to sell the house’. You each are entitled ri a half, so unless he is able to buy you out from his half of other assets - you’ll have to sell.

Any financial agreement between you needs to go in front of a judge. With clear picture of all assets and their division. And a judge won’t sign off on anything that will look unfair to either party.
So - get cracking on working on your case instead of other distractions.

Or - if you actually just threatened divorce because you hoped he’ll make an effort to change - don’t play games and tell him.

I always believe when you are coming to the end of something ( a job or a relationship), life has a way of telling you that you've made the right decision.

This is your confirmation. You don't need to do anything with it, other than plan your new exciting life.

What he wants doesn't matter here ! You need to look out fir yourself, not him - he's not looking out for you so why should you be looking out fir him.

In answer why did I start a thread, when he is perfectly entitled to have sex with someone else. I guess it’s because he is blaming me, for wanting to separate. He doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with his past behaviour, and won’t accept any responsibility. He tells me how unhappy he is, he doesn’t want this, he’s always been a good husband, and how he doesn’t want to have another woman. He is very sorry for himself

to be fair to him many people, men and women can go meet someone else, habe sex. And still genuinely mean all the things they are saying, just they are tying to move on.

as said though, women having sex and leaving their knickers behind seems a bizzare constant thing on here. Not so much in real life.

I think he clearly put them there on purpose, I would put good money on it. He went to Sainsbury's, bought then and planted them there to try and illicit some jealous response from you, that he then hoped would turn into you cancelling the divorce. Because he is desperate and has tried everything else