We are divorcing, but I found some woman's pants in my husbands laundry

[sleepymum50]

Ok, I need some advice on what to do.

as I said we are separating, but still living in the same house. We haven’t slept (sex) together for 5 years, haven’t shared a bed for I year.

i am the one instigating the separation, he keeps saying “this isn’t what I want”. But it is his controlling and entitled behaviour that makes me want to leave. We have been doing our own cooking and washing for the last 6 weeks. Before that I had been doing both (laundry 100%) in our 30 plus years.

our washing machine has been out of action a couple weeks but got fixed yesterday. My husband did his laundry first (mostly undies and socks). He told me there was room on the drying rack, so I did a small load of my stuff.

I went to hang it on the rack, and a couple of things dropped to the floor. One of which was a pair of ladies pants, black half lace, size 10 tui (sainsbury). They are absolutely, definitely not mine.

my first question. Does anyone know of a completely innocent explanation? He has been away from home overnight, but they have been normal reasons. Go to see friends, stay with his brother. Could he have gathered up the pants when he was packing his own bag?

he is notoriously messy, disorganised, forgetful and slapdash. The fact he actually put them on the drying rack and then told me there was room for my stuff makes me wonder if he even noticed they weren’t his pants.

He was out at the pub last night and I went to bed before he got back. Just to add, I didn’t even feel jealous at the thought he might be shagging around.

But I am concerned at the deceit. I have said to him, “Look were not making each other happy, you could go on and find someone else. His reply has always been who would look at an old crock like him with IBS, plus he’s not interested in someone else. (He’s not a bad catch, slim. Fit, charming, funds)

The thing is, he always twist the facts and turns it onto me. I truly believe he has narcissistic traits. I think he truly believes ‘his truth’ , so it goes around in circles.

I am loathe to confront him, as he will deny, deny and I wouldn’t put it past him to accuse me of making it up. He hates to be proved to be in the wrong.

shall I just suck it up, we’re separating anyway. Perhaps keep a closer eye on him. Look for proof.

I am finding it really hard to think he has done this, but in 30 plus years of doing his laundry, I’ve never found a rogue pair of ladies pants in our laundry.

But if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck ……..

The marriage is over. You risk sounding controlling and abusive if you try to control his relationships. It risks sounding like you don't want him, but don't want him to have anyone else either.

Even if the marriage wasn't over, after no sex for 5 years few people would blame him for having another relationship!

You're entitled not to do his laundry for him though - make that his problem!

Why? What does that achieve. It won't make OP feel better and he won't care.

You've split up, though, through your instigation, not his. You don't care if he's sleeping with someone else so why are you looking for an explanation?

I don't understand why you'd care, you are separated, getting divorced and haven't had sex with him in 5 years?! There's nothing to say or do he's a free agent, just ignore you saw them.

Not your problem anymore

How ridiculous.

Yep, 100% particularly if he's controlling - he's trying to make you jealous! Besides which woman wears her TUI pants if they're going to meet someone for sex!

I really wouldn't say anything. My guess is also that they are planted. I really wouldn't give him the satisfaction. Also, he can shag who he wants. So can you 😏

Agree with this. He’s just trying to prove he’s alright jack and that he is enjoying his new life.
married for 30 years.Divorced pretty amicably last year. Still have phone conversations with ex about grown up kids about every 6 weeks or so, and they tend to go onto more general stuff of what we’re up to re housing etc. He has mental health problems and is extremely socially isolated- only a few non close friends he plays football with.
Since Christmas, he’s been dropping in “oh, my friend said this “ , I’m out with my friend” He is fishing and trying to make me bite to ask who his friend is. I’m assuming if it was a bloke he’d made friends with he’d be telling me in a less cryptic way (he has a tendency to refer to people you’ve never met by their names anyway, even if you don’t know who the hell they are). So, clearly he’s found himself a female friend. I am not going to bite. I ignore the comment and move onto another topic. however, his trying to make me bite I’m finding so bloody annoying. I’ve ignored last call and not returned it yet for this reason.

I suspect same thing going on here. Just trying to take back control over a process you’ve initiated and prove he’s better than you. Ignore.

@SoupDragon and also never knew TUI did pants.... thought they did holidays. Another point missed......

If you're divorcing him, why does it matter?
Just move on and don't give him any more headspace

“The marriage is over. You risk sounding controlling and abusive if you try to control his relationships. It risks sounding like you don't want him, but don't want him to have anyone else either.

Even if the marriage wasn't over, after no sex for 5 years few people would blame him for having another relationship!”

^This. It isn’t your business anymore.

If I had black lacy TU pants, I'd consider them my good ones. What kind of pants do I need.....asking for a friend?

Blimey! Extrapolating much?

And I wish the word 'controlling' could vanish from MN

Your marriage is over. Surely he's allowed to sleep with other women?

Yes it's hurts especially when you live under the same roof but you've got to let it go op. You're separated he's done nothing wrong.

I don’t see why you care , or to some degree why is any of your business

He might have bought them himself for pleasure 🤏

I think he planted them to wind you up. Ignore, dont bite. Youre divorcing him anyways

What does it matter?. You are separated. Divorcing.
Put them with his other stuff and carry on as you were 🤷‍♀️

I can see why you'd be curious Op, foreign object in your house innit.

You instigated divorce because he is a crap husband. He's living up to your expectations so just ignore it. It simply doesn't matter what he does, he's someone else's problem. It would be a bit rich to confront someone when you have effectively ended the marriage, so for the sake of your dignity, just ignore. He may even be doing it to wind you up and get a reaction?

Sorry, I'm sure it's not pleasant, but if you're divorcing him and say you don't even feel jealous, why does it matter? I would try not to give it any headspace. You should let it go and put your focus on moving out asap. Living in the same home isn't good for you, if you're still having arguments even after having decided the relationship is over. You don't need him for a roommate.

It's a bit convenient that the time he invites you to share the dryer there's a pair of womens knickers there.
Even if he was sleeping with someone or had a one night stand why would he be washing a pair of her pants? Equally how would anyones underwear accidentally end up in his washing.
I think he's trying to make you jealous.

Either he’s trying to make you jealous or he’s seeing someone. Either way, forget it.

Just a thought but maybe he bought them to manipulate the separation. He doesn't want to separate so maybe he has thought that by buying ladies pants and putting them where you can see them it might make you feel jealous amd rethink your decision to seperate. If your genuinely not bothered and want to go ahead with the separation then I wouldn't mention them - that then sets it clear in his head that you don't care and the relationship is over.

This 💯