We are divorcing, but I found some woman's pants in my husbands laundry

[sleepymum50]

Ok, I need some advice on what to do.

as I said we are separating, but still living in the same house. We haven’t slept (sex) together for 5 years, haven’t shared a bed for I year.

i am the one instigating the separation, he keeps saying “this isn’t what I want”. But it is his controlling and entitled behaviour that makes me want to leave. We have been doing our own cooking and washing for the last 6 weeks. Before that I had been doing both (laundry 100%) in our 30 plus years.

our washing machine has been out of action a couple weeks but got fixed yesterday. My husband did his laundry first (mostly undies and socks). He told me there was room on the drying rack, so I did a small load of my stuff.

I went to hang it on the rack, and a couple of things dropped to the floor. One of which was a pair of ladies pants, black half lace, size 10 tui (sainsbury). They are absolutely, definitely not mine.

my first question. Does anyone know of a completely innocent explanation? He has been away from home overnight, but they have been normal reasons. Go to see friends, stay with his brother. Could he have gathered up the pants when he was packing his own bag?

he is notoriously messy, disorganised, forgetful and slapdash. The fact he actually put them on the drying rack and then told me there was room for my stuff makes me wonder if he even noticed they weren’t his pants.

He was out at the pub last night and I went to bed before he got back. Just to add, I didn’t even feel jealous at the thought he might be shagging around.

But I am concerned at the deceit. I have said to him, “Look were not making each other happy, you could go on and find someone else. His reply has always been who would look at an old crock like him with IBS, plus he’s not interested in someone else. (He’s not a bad catch, slim. Fit, charming, funds)

The thing is, he always twist the facts and turns it onto me. I truly believe he has narcissistic traits. I think he truly believes ‘his truth’ , so it goes around in circles.

I am loathe to confront him, as he will deny, deny and I wouldn’t put it past him to accuse me of making it up. He hates to be proved to be in the wrong.

shall I just suck it up, we’re separating anyway. Perhaps keep a closer eye on him. Look for proof.

I am finding it really hard to think he has done this, but in 30 plus years of doing his laundry, I’ve never found a rogue pair of ladies pants in our laundry.

But if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck ……..

Either he’s shagging someone or he wants to make it look like he is. But..you are divorcing and haven’t slept together for five years so why does it even matter?

And why do you want proof. It’s absolutely none of your business.

Of you're separating what's the issue then even if they belong to someone?

Yeah, you’re right it makes no difference to me.

I really don’t think he’d be trying to make me jealous.

The reason for detailing the pants - don’t know. I wear supermarket pants, but I guess I thought you might wear super sexy if you were up for it.

he’s still in bed, so I guess I’ll just leave them there and say no more.

Yeah just put them with the rest of his washing or something so he knows you know and get on with your life. You'll feel much better once the divorce is sorted and you don't have to live together.

Just ignore it, he's allowed to have a life, if you react it could get messy !

This happened to me. I think possibly the women they go with find out they are married and leave it so the man gets discovered. Mine said he had used a tumble dryer at the launderette and it must have been left in the machine. Please, like the lipstick magically appeared on your shirt. Honestly ignore it. Don't give it anymore anymore though. Get rid, move on.

I would thank every god I could think of that he's got someone else.

I think this must be what happens. Otherwise I've no idea why it's always the pants and never the socks.

^^ This, what does it matter to you, who he is sleeping with or not sleeping with, if you are divorcing ?

So sick of the ‘what does it matter’ responses. As if you can’t imagine why this might not hurt someone. Divorce and separation are painful.

Of course it hurts, but H doesn't need to know that.

Just wanted to say thanks to all of you.

I was definitely overthinking it. Spent two hours this morning thinking over scenarios, what I should say etc.

And you are right. It doesn’t matter. This is the power of mumsnet. I can now go and enjoy a day in the garden.

Now about my brother………

Good for you for laying this to rest. Onwards and upwards with your own life.

You're no longer together so if he wants to shag someone else he can

I would serenely ignore this and congratulate myself for years for doing so :)

It doesn't really matter does it, most likely explanations are OW, they're for his own use, he planted them to get to you (in which case it's worked), or they've accidentally been packed somehow when visiting others, who cares 🤷

Now I want to hear about your brother!

Maybe they are his pants

I agree he might have planted them to make you jealous. Or perhaps he’s just got a fetish.

I personally would fold his dry clothes in a neat pile with the pants neatly laid on top and say “I noticed your stuff was dry and need the dryer so I’ve popped them in bed for you”

if he is as you say a narcissist then you are nicely telling him you are moving on and don’t give a flying eff what he does.

this covers whether he is actually with soemone or just trying to make you jealous. I think he wanted you to see them it’s ALL about control. Control of your thoughts, your insecurities. Don’t let him.

I agree with PPs.
There are a million different scenarios - he could have a new partner, had a one night stand or he could have accidentally picked them up.

Don’t make yourself crazy but going over it in your head because you’ll never know the answer and it doesn’t matter.

Is there a reason you can’t move out?

Nope. He's moving on. He doesn't owe you an explanation.

Another vote for it being intentional to get a reaction. I would consider getting a nice big pair of men's pants and sticking them on the rack. Another explanation could be they are that they are his brother's wife (if he has one) he may have scooped them up with his own things after staying there. Not implying an affair there - but simply picked them up in the bathroom or something.

But as others have said - does it really matter if you dont want him anymore

Failing to see why it matters tbh.
You both knew the marriage was over and as such are free agents. Still odd to find another woman's underwear in his laundry but wouldn't give it head space.