What should I do to avoid police intervention?

[Knowles0095]

A friend from ages ago will not accept that I won't continue any friendship with him. He was more of a friendly acquaintance but made it obvious he wanted more. I stopped answering phone calls but he would leave voicemails which I never responded to. This continued for years. Changing my number was not an option for a while (for a reason I cannot go into here-too outing) eventually this became possible so I did. I was free from his calls for 4 years. This earlier this year, 5pm my doorbell rang I went to answer and there he was peering at me through my door window, I didn't realise it was him at first. Aghast, he would call on me after 4 years of not being able to ring, I panicked, walked out of sight into a room. I shut the door and scrambled for headphones to block the sound of him calling my name. I saw through a chink in my curtains he walked away, but he returned 20 mins later, rang the bell 3 times, called my name, then left. I bought security cams for front window and door window. He returned this week (6months later) at 1pm. He did not see me this time. He rang the bell 3 times, left, then again returned 20 mins later, again rang the door bell 3 times and went. The cameras are visible. I am hoping he will see that any repetition will be caught on camera & not want this to be evidence. What do I do if he still continues, I do not want to call the police and the thought of saying anything to him fills me with dread. I really don't think he would harm me but am aware this behaviour is obsessive/abnormal. I am not scared but I am desperate to avoid any interaction with him. As he cannot ring me I have a feeling the visits will take the same form as his phone calls used to, ie. 5 or 6 months apart. I am interested to hear any ideas of what can be done. I will just say the way he made it plain he wanted a relationship was by saying he would like to take me out on dates. I said I was not interested in dating him. He said he would not push the issue but gradually I backed away having less and less contact with him. Please forgive me I cannot bear to write anymore about this. Also any more detail would out me. What would you do? I value your opinions, I won't be posting any more but I am reading your responses and I am grateful.

Why do you want to avoid police intervention? For the sake of your own safety you need to let them know what has been happening with this absolute freak.

Why on earth do you not want police intervention?

You have to involve the police.

Why won’t you be posting any more?

I’ll ask though you won’t bother to reply: why wouldn’t you involve the police?

You could try a letter from a solicitor detailing that your next step will be the police.

I know you said that you don’t want to involve the police, but I think that’s your only option. It’s clear this man will not leave you alone and you cannot live your life in fear of him. He is a stalker.

Please report it to the police, and don’t underplay it or make it seem like you’re making a fuss about nothing, be honest about how this stalker makes you feel.

Does he know something that he could threaten you with - maybe you once did something illegal - which makes you reluctant to contact the police?

Have you specifically told him not to contact you again? You might think that it is blindingly clear...but perhaps not to him? If you do not want police intervention, could you ask a solicitor to draft a communication, expliciting stating you want no further contact?

Please do call the police. You need to take back control of the situation rather than being passive. Sorry this is happening to you

The only alternative to police action that I can think of that isn't doing nothing is a solicitor's letter if you know his address.

Agree that if you haven't explicitly told him not to contact you, you should.

Would a call or visit once every six months count as harassment in police terms? My experience of police being helpful hasn't been good and may colour my opinion but I'm not sure.

If you did not know this person you would have called the police & reported him for harassment & stalking. The fact you do know him does not make this behaviour ok.

If you really don’t want to involve police you could ask a solicitor to write him a letter or write him a letter yourself telling him not to contact you again or you’ll contact the police

Thank you for responding, I feel I should reply. He has nothing on me. I do not know his address. I don't know how any communication via solicitors could be sent to him. Also I have not told him to go away. This is what appalled me so much when he appeared at my door, I thought, he doesn't seem at all embarrassed that it is obvious I want nothing to do with him. If I did report this what would happen?

Honestly I would shout through a window or the door to fuck off and leave me alone. I don’t want anything to do with him and if he carries on I will call the police and walk away/close the window.

If you don’t want to get police involved do you have a confident mate who you can call if he shows again to tell him to fuck off and leave
you alone.

They would probably pop by his address and have a chat with him to determine what’s going on

This is stalking, being the victim of stalking puts you at risk of escalation. You really do need to go to the police. Are you worries or scared and thats why you don’t want any involvement? Or are you worried that it will upset him? Because he’s not worried about upsetting you is he? I knows you don’t want contact and he’s trying to force you.

I can see why the op doesn’t want to have the police involved I have similar with a family member but I do not want to involve the police, not sure what else you can do op but I’m in a similar situation only like I said a family member.

Why on earth would you not call the police???

You should absolutely report this to the police. You don't have to support any formal action, but the police can warn him to stay away from you, and if his behaviour were to escalate, then at least it's already on record.

...the thought of saying anything to him fills me with dread.

I am not scared but I am desperate to avoid any interaction with him.

There is a contradiction here. You say you are not scared, yet you use the words 'dread' and 'desperate'. Deep down you are afraid of what might happen, aren't you? You are scared of him. He is causing you considerable distress, and he is harassing you by turning up like this. For all you know, he could be stalking you in other ways too.

Unless you are prepared to allow the fear of this situation to dominate your life for the foreseeable future, then you really have two choices: tell him that he is never to try and contact you by any means again or you will inform the police; or just tell the police anyway and let them deal with it.

OP

He's stalking you. This is serious. You don't owe it to him to 'be nice'

Look up Palladin charity for advice on dealing with stalking. This man is stalking and could become dangerous so you need to protect yourself.

Honestly I would shout through a window or the door to fuck off and leave me alone. I don’t want anything to do with him and if he carries on I will call the police and walk away/close the window.
If you don’t want to get police involved do you have a confident mate who you can call if he shows again to tell him to fuck off and leave
you alone.

I thought of that so many times. I thought of shouting at him to fuck off then quickly ramming the headphones back on to block out his voice! I can think of friends who would tell him to go away or else. I think I cant bear the thought of him persisting with me in any way. It's such a weird feeling.

At the moment I don’t think he’s done anything that the police would deal with, he’s an old friend that’s trying to get back in contact.

You need to tell him to leave you alone. If he then doesn’t then I think that that crosses the line into being a police matter.

If you won’t go to the police, won’t get a restraining order, and won’t tell him to fuck off tgen I don’t know what people can suggest.
Move house I guess?

If you haven’t told him plainly that you do not want him to contact you, how is he supposed to know? He might be obsessive in a stalker like way or he might genuinely think of you as an old friend he wants to talk to.
You sound scared of him, so I’m suspecting he’s more of the first than second.
The only way I can think of telling him bluntly but not interacting with him is to write a brief note—- I do not wish to rekindle contact with you. I don’t want to speak to you. Coming to my house again will constitute harassment which I shall report to police , with camera evidence. Have this by the door. He rings the bell, open the door, thrust it into his hands, close door. Job done.