What should I do to avoid police intervention?

[Knowles0095]

A friend from ages ago will not accept that I won't continue any friendship with him. He was more of a friendly acquaintance but made it obvious he wanted more. I stopped answering phone calls but he would leave voicemails which I never responded to. This continued for years. Changing my number was not an option for a while (for a reason I cannot go into here-too outing) eventually this became possible so I did. I was free from his calls for 4 years. This earlier this year, 5pm my doorbell rang I went to answer and there he was peering at me through my door window, I didn't realise it was him at first. Aghast, he would call on me after 4 years of not being able to ring, I panicked, walked out of sight into a room. I shut the door and scrambled for headphones to block the sound of him calling my name. I saw through a chink in my curtains he walked away, but he returned 20 mins later, rang the bell 3 times, called my name, then left. I bought security cams for front window and door window. He returned this week (6months later) at 1pm. He did not see me this time. He rang the bell 3 times, left, then again returned 20 mins later, again rang the door bell 3 times and went. The cameras are visible. I am hoping he will see that any repetition will be caught on camera & not want this to be evidence. What do I do if he still continues, I do not want to call the police and the thought of saying anything to him fills me with dread. I really don't think he would harm me but am aware this behaviour is obsessive/abnormal. I am not scared but I am desperate to avoid any interaction with him. As he cannot ring me I have a feeling the visits will take the same form as his phone calls used to, ie. 5 or 6 months apart. I am interested to hear any ideas of what can be done. I will just say the way he made it plain he wanted a relationship was by saying he would like to take me out on dates. I said I was not interested in dating him. He said he would not push the issue but gradually I backed away having less and less contact with him. Please forgive me I cannot bear to write anymore about this. Also any more detail would out me. What would you do? I value your opinions, I won't be posting any more but I am reading your responses and I am grateful.

For gods sake phone the police. Tell them everything you do know about him, show them footage from your cameras and do something about it. This could easily escalate he sounds crackers.
Hiding with headphones on is not addressing the problem

There's a reason you're trying to ignore him in the hope he'll leave. He's activated your fight/flight/freeze response, and in your case, it's "freeze". So you try to stay as still as possible in the house even though you know he knows you're inside.

You block him out because it's like hiding your head under the quilt when you're a child scared of the dark. You're operating on the basis that if you can't see/hear him, you can convince yourself everything is okay.

It's not okay.

You're so scared of him that your survival instincts have gone into such overdrive that you can't function to even tell him to go away.

You really do need to involve the police here. It's not your job to find out where he lives. Just next time he comes to the door ring the police and tell them what you've said in your OP, that it started as phone messages and has escalated into him coming to your physical home.

Don't open the door to him. Whatever has you this scared is irrelevant, he is not taking normal hints to go away. Any average adult with half a modicum of understanding of other human beings would know after the first few of times of you not answering the PHONE to back off, not to start turning up at your house. Especially over this length of time.

There is something seriously wrong here and you know what you need to do.

Please protect yourself OP. I know taking the first step seems insurmountable but you can do this.

I think you need to tell him in clear terms that you do not want him to contact you again, and if he does, you will call the police. Follow through with it.

Sapphirensteel · Today 10:32
If you haven’t told him plainly that you do not want him to contact you, how is he supposed to know? He might be obsessive in a stalker like way or he might genuinely think of you as an old friend he wants to talk to.
You sound scared of him, so I’m suspecting he’s more of the first than second.
The only way I can think of telling him bluntly but not interacting with him is to write a brief note—- I do not wish to rekindle contact with you. I don’t want to speak to you. Coming to my house again will constitute harassment which I shall report to police , with camera evidence. Have this by the door. He rings the bell, open the door, thrust it into his hands, close door. Job done.

I could write the note, I would like to use your wording, I think I would rather shove it out through the letterbox. If he returns after the note I have to call the police. As Beefcurtains 79 says, why ask for advice if you don't accept it. I hadn't realised how bad this makes me feel. I have been denying the fear.

Legally I think it is two incidents of unwanted contact that constitue harrassment according to the law. Record these incidents in a diary and then ask the police to visit him and issue a warning. They will do that.

Yes it is a hurdle to overcome, but the aftermath of being in a state of fear will affect your mental and physical health. Not worth it.

Presumably you have his number from his previous attempts to contact you?

Somehow he has got your address. That's worrying. Do you know how?

stayingpositiveifpossible · Today 10:46
Legally I think it is two incidents of unwanted contact that constitue harrassment according to the law. Record these incidents in a diary and then ask the police to visit him and issue a warning. They will do that.
Yes it is a hurdle to overcome, but the aftermath of being in a state of fear will affect your mental and physical health. Not worth it.

I understand. It's true I can't live with this. This morning I was plotting which times would be safe for me to mow my lawn...just catching myself doing that made me post on Mumsnet.

You do know you can shout fuck off to him with your headphones on?

Just ring the police next time he turns up. Please.

I’m not sure the police would currently do anything because you haven’t actually told him to leave you alone. This needs to be your first step

AFAIK he is not harassing you if you haven’t explicitly told him to cease contact because you find it distressing

you have told him you don’t want to go in dates. Perhaps he is someone who doesn’t have a great understanding of social nuances and can’t read the subtext ie. I don’t want to go on dates with you (actually means never contact me again)

"Also I have not told him to go away"

🤨 OP are you ok?

This person used to work for my local authority. He has been in my home.

Has there been any kind of romantic relationship between you? Have you even been on a date together? I am worried at the way you are panicking when he has actually left several months between the two visits.

Have you ever told him that you don't want any contact with him? Are you just hoping he'll get the hint?

The definition of a section 2 harassment offence is:

a course of conduct;

which amounts to harassment of another; and

which the defendant knows, or ought to know amounts to harassment of another.

The fact that you repeatedly ignored calls and did not respond to messages from him means he ought to know contact is unwanted. Turning up at your door may elevate this to stalking.

Please report this, it's clearly having a significant impact on your life.

I was thinking the same.

it was harassment 4 years ago. But would it still be that now especially as the op hasn’t told him not to contact her. She just ghosted him.

Nothing romantic no. I would say if there had been. The thing that threw me was the fact that the camera's are visible did not deter him (although why I thought they would is stupid in the extreme on my part, seeing that years of ignored voicemails didn't put him off) I imagine confronting him and that he will not be easy to get rid of. I hate to ruin someone's life but I don't want mine to be blighted by his behaviour.

If I approached someone’s door and saw cameras it wouldn’t deter me from knocking as it wouldn’t enter my mind that they have been installed to keep me away. They have been put up for security to deter burglars.

The only other thing you could do is get a solicitor to write a cease and desist letter to him and then if that doesn’t work call the police

Yes. The next step is for me to take. I did look up the definition of Ghosting yesterday. That is all I have done in the eyes of the law, so, I have to be very clear to him. I must do it, thank you all. You have given me plenty of advice and some courage.

HollowTalk · Today 11:05
Have you ever told him that you don't want any contact with him? Are you just hoping he'll get the hint?

Yes! I've been such a coward!

Try telling him. Make sure some big bloke relative or partner is hovering in the background and open the door next time he calls. Look him in the eye and say, 'Please don't call here again, or try to contact me. I feel harassed by your unwanted attention. If you don't respect my wishes my next step will have to be contacting the police about your stalkerish behaviour. Is this clear?' Wait for him to reply and ask him to reiterate what you have said.

You can say it gently if you think he is essentially harmless just unable to understand the social conventions when someone doesn't want to pursue any kind of relationship. But be very clear and unequivocal.

Do you have mutual friends who can tell him to stay away on your behalf?

or get a ring doorbell so next time he rings you can use it to tell him to go away and it will be recorded in case you need to go to the police in future.

Why would he be worried about cameras? He probably thinks that your phone number has changed and that's why you haven't answered any messages. If you'd previously been friendly with him why would he assume that you didn't want to speak to him?

I'm worried about your anxiety levels and your reluctance to just take that one step and tell him not to contact you. It seems to me as though you are spinning into paranoia and this guy has no idea that he has affected you in this way.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · Today 10:39
There's a reason you're trying to ignore him in the hope he'll leave. He's activated your fight/flight/freeze response, and in your case, it's "freeze". So you try to stay as still as possible in the house even though you know he knows you're inside.
You block him out because it's like hiding your head under the quilt when you're a child scared of the dark. You're operating on the basis that if you can't see/hear him, you can convince yourself everything is okay.
It's not okay.
You're so scared of him that your survival instincts have gone into such overdrive that you can't function to even tell him to go away.
You really do need to involve the police here. It's not your job to find out where he lives. Just next time he comes to the door ring the police and tell them what you've said in your OP, that it started as phone messages and has escalated into him coming to your physical home.
Don't open the door to him. Whatever has you this scared is irrelevant, he is not taking normal hints to go away. Any average adult with half a modicum of understanding of other human beings would know after the first few of times of you not answering the PHONE to back off, not to start turning up at your house. Especially over this length of time.
There is something seriously wrong here and you know what you need to do.
Please protect yourself OP. I know taking the first step seems insurmountable but you can do this.

Initially I wanted to avoid confrontation then it became all the stuff Peekaboo describes. I had surpressed it's true impact until I came on here.