What should I do to avoid police intervention?

[Knowles0095]

A friend from ages ago will not accept that I won't continue any friendship with him. He was more of a friendly acquaintance but made it obvious he wanted more. I stopped answering phone calls but he would leave voicemails which I never responded to. This continued for years. Changing my number was not an option for a while (for a reason I cannot go into here-too outing) eventually this became possible so I did. I was free from his calls for 4 years. This earlier this year, 5pm my doorbell rang I went to answer and there he was peering at me through my door window, I didn't realise it was him at first. Aghast, he would call on me after 4 years of not being able to ring, I panicked, walked out of sight into a room. I shut the door and scrambled for headphones to block the sound of him calling my name. I saw through a chink in my curtains he walked away, but he returned 20 mins later, rang the bell 3 times, called my name, then left. I bought security cams for front window and door window. He returned this week (6months later) at 1pm. He did not see me this time. He rang the bell 3 times, left, then again returned 20 mins later, again rang the door bell 3 times and went. The cameras are visible. I am hoping he will see that any repetition will be caught on camera & not want this to be evidence. What do I do if he still continues, I do not want to call the police and the thought of saying anything to him fills me with dread. I really don't think he would harm me but am aware this behaviour is obsessive/abnormal. I am not scared but I am desperate to avoid any interaction with him. As he cannot ring me I have a feeling the visits will take the same form as his phone calls used to, ie. 5 or 6 months apart. I am interested to hear any ideas of what can be done. I will just say the way he made it plain he wanted a relationship was by saying he would like to take me out on dates. I said I was not interested in dating him. He said he would not push the issue but gradually I backed away having less and less contact with him. Please forgive me I cannot bear to write anymore about this. Also any more detail would out me. What would you do? I value your opinions, I won't be posting any more but I am reading your responses and I am grateful.

@Knowles0095 i have been in a very similar situation. It’s all going to court now after over 10 years, I finally contacted the police. I don’t/can’t give information about it due to the case.

I can understand why you might not be ready and don’t want to. However, please contact paladin a charity who are experts in this. They have been so supportive and gave me advice on how to respond so I didn’t feed the behaviour - better advice than the police if I’m honest. They’ve then supported me as things progressed further.

HollowTalk · Today 11:30
Why would he be worried about cameras? He probably thinks that your phone number has changed and that's why you haven't answered any messages. If you'd previously been friendly with him why would he assume that you didn't want to speak to him?
I'm worried about your anxiety levels and your reluctance to just take that one step and tell him not to contact you. It seems to me as though you are spinning into paranoia and this guy has no idea that he has affected you in this way.

I understand what you are saying Hollowtalk this is perfectly possible, I just thought he may have stayed away after we came face to face in January, but him returning means this requires I have to do something...I find difficult.. confrontation...I cannot bury my head in the sand any longer.

Do you gave a mutual friend who could tell him to back off? Or could you send him a message via Facebook?

Oh and going against everyone’s advice here don’t phone the police. When you are ready report online so you’re automatically given a case number. Then after every time you are contacted by him report again online and get a separate case number. Mine was delayed by not doing this. The police can clump it all together but sometimes things get lost and your assigned police officer goes on holiday etc

Please don’t contact him. This will feed the behaviour

Thank you Peanut Butter. I will have a note ready for next time. I will make contact with Paladin to guide me also. If it goes to police action I will follow through.

Did this person work with you in a professional capacity? I.e we’re you a service user?

Don't contact, do you mean not stick my note through the letter box? I thought it best to make certain he has not misunderstood , as I was saying to Hollowtalk, it is possible he has no idea what I feel...paranoia on my part? I can't rule this out yet. Should I speak to the Paladin people first?

ive sent you a message (I hope). It’s a horrible situation to be in and feels hopeless. Paladin will help with whatever you need/want to do and were (are) pretty quick at getting back to me xx

Talk to paladin first. By leaving a note they will know you are there and could carry on until you open the door / get worse. You don’t need to tell them to leave you alone it’s pretty obvious to most people the friendship was over years ago

Going against other posters - don't engage! Don't give him a note, don't be clear and explicit, don't engage. This person is a stalker. He is not a normal person who will back off when you give him clear boundaries. This is a person who thought it was a normal, acceptable thing to do to track you down to your home after years and years of you not answering his messages. At best, a note will tell him that if he continues harassing you will reward him by getting in contact with him, at worse the rejection will make him feel humiliated and trigger him to turn violent. He is irrational. You cannot make him realise that what he is doing is wrong and creepy. All you can control is your reaction.

@PeanutButterFalcon 's advice is excellent. I am so sorry this is happening to you, OP.

Sandie I cant give exact detail but he worked for my local authority, I rang up requesting a repair (am I making sense?)

www.paladinservice.co.uk/

It does, depending on whether your primary contact and his knowledge of your address etc was through work or home it may be that he is breaching all sorts of policies at work.

I had initially thought he may be a social worker or something in which case there is a safeguarding issue potentially too.

You’ve had some really good advice, I totally get the ‘freeze’ thing but you do need to let him know that you’re not interested and would like him to stop contacting you.

Peanut I just read your message. That is it exactly why I am hesitant. Thank you so much. I promise I am taking this route.

He no longer works there Sandie, I don't know where he works now. I have had amazing support here this morning. Before this morning I could not see a way forward. I am so grateful.

My ex neighbour has a restraining order
under the 1997 harrasment act
he can’t do anything to cause me distress fear of harm & violence
his was given in Crown Court and it’s until further notice which means either him or myself have to apply to the court to get in removed otherwise it will stay with him till he dies

restraining orders are only given by courts I think

You would need a civil injunction pretty much the same thing

For it to be harassment it has to be I think either 2 incidents in 3 months or 6 months

buf if you don’t report it to the police it could be hard to get any sort of restraining order or a civil injunction

so report it to the police on 101 and you can ask them not to speak to him but you want it on record that you made a complaint

Yes, but only if the person has reason to know that it’s unwelcome. It’s still possible that he’s just hopelessly naive about being unwelcome.

I doubt it, but it’s possible.

I would try and find away of letting him know you want no further contact or visits and that if he doesn't respect that you will involve the police.
Short. To the point. And if he continues do not hesitate to contact the police.