Can’t cope with split that was my fault

[lulabelle11]

My boyfriend of 2 years left me this week. I had everything I could dream of, a flat together (rented), a lovely second family, a lovely life.

But, I let my insecurities get the better of me. I was so anxious and pushed him away. Everything he did, I had to ask why it wasn’t more. He tried his best to be there for me, id always want more. “You didn’t say this, maybe you don’t love me as much anymore” “are you even sure you like me anymore”. This turned into every single day.

He warned me multiple times he was becoming tired of, yet I carried on. He said he never felt he could do anything right.

He finally had enough and left me.

I feel sick,I can’t eat, I’m so full of regret. It’s all my fault. I pushed away a lovely man, so good for me, who ADORED me and did everything for me, who I fancied, who I had an insane sex life with. I got on with his family so well, and they cried when I left the flat.

What on Earth do I do now

You leave him alone and when you start again with someone else you remember what happened this time and change your behaviour. Counselling would help too.

I just can’t cope. I know what I was doing wrong every day and yet I pushed away the man I saw a future with, and who bloody adored me

I want him, not anyone else. He ticked every single bloody box I’m a monster

You're not a monster, you're an insecure person. Work on yourself and your self-esteem.

You pick yourself up, dust yourself down and give yourself time. There is no single one person for us - but some people occupy special places in our hearts. Allow those feelings of hurt and loss to fade, let other people in and eventually it’ll be ok. You’ll be older and wiser and able to relax and enjoy life and love again.

You work on yourself so that you are more confident and content with the next man you meet.

I feel for you, I’m the same. I spent 9 years feeling not good enough, asking why he wasn’t more attentive, more affectionate, more present, why he would change plans and make me feel unimportant etc. it’s only since we split that I see how unhealthy the relationship was.

It wasn’t a fault with me as such, it was that tiny things he said and did in the beginning set the tone for me to feel needy and insecure around him.

I’m not convinced that I’ll fare any better with the next guy tbh, but I’m not beating myself up about it because if the relationship was really perfect it wouldn’t feel so hard.

I’m betting that if you look closely at your interactions over the years he has contributed to your feelings of doubt and insecurity. But now you’re dealing with the rejection and unfamiliarity of being single again you’re seeing it all with rose tinted glasses. Take it easy on yourself. You’re aware of what went wrong, now is the time to take steps to deal with your side of that issue. And then you can meet someone who loves you enough that you don’t have to question it.

Hmm, there is some truth to the thought that people aren't needy if they are getting their needs met. It might be that you are a high needs person and could do with dialling it down a bit-but equally it may be true that you aren't and he just wasn't giving you what you needed. Probably the reality is somewhere in the middle.

That said I now live by ' if I have to ask for something, it's not something worth me having' in relationships. If someone isnt willingly showing affection or whatever else I'm not going to beg for it.

Try and work on your self worth. Bit of counselling maybe? But honestly as pp said, it's likely there is blame-if that's the right word-or certainly a mis match on both sides here.

For now all the usual break up rules apply. Go no contact. No social media stalking. See friends. Book yourself short term, mid term, long term things to look forward to. Hair cut, get your nails done, whatever makes you feel better about how you look and feel. Remember to eat. Give yourself some time.

Lots of love to you OP, it's awful to feel heartbroken like that-but you will come through it...

It's a case of if you love him let him go I'm afraid. He knew that you weren't good for him. If you love him you have to put him first on this.

Ah OP. He's not going to come back, you need to let it go. What you do now is hunker down and heal, then stay single for a bit while you work on yourself and confidence. Don't take this baggage into a new relationship.

He's still amazing and you're not. What would happen if you were back together in a second. the next second he would be out of the window. You need to work on yourself. You need time. If he left, and you really love him you need to let him go. That is love too. After two years you should have known if it was the real thing: total commitment whatever shape it could look like or separation. you separated. By definition he's not the one. Pretty close but not. Work on yourself, pick yourself up, you are almost there.

If you really love him you let him go whilst you work on yourself and your insecurities. You said he gave you repeated warnings- he really did try to make it work then. Don’t mess with his head and try and get him to take you back when you are likely to do the same again, especially if he has kids. Could you get therapy to get to the root of the problem? Sorry if that sounds harsh but something obviously needs to change rather than both of you be unhappy (you needy and him fed up.)

Work on yourself until you find yourself amazing. By yourself.

You're not a monster, that's your brain telling you lies. A monster would have strung him along, relished in causing pain. You are someone who has let their insecurities best them, and who needs to heal.

If you can, please look into talking to a therapist. They should be able to help you work through what's driving this behaviour, where it comes from, and which needs aren't being met.

Could you do better if he came back?

If so, tell him you could, ask him to take you back, then do better.

I tried that. But he said it was too late, we tried so hard and he’s done now

He's being honest, you have to accept that now.

Move on and don't contact him.

You're not a monster.

But no person can keep giving reassurance to someone who just doesn't believe it.

If he was the right person for you you wouldn't have needed to constant ask.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

Find someone to go out and have a cry with this weekend.

Then you've got your answer and it's time to move on. Take some time to work on yourself. Don't contact him. I can understand why he said it as it is so draining to constantly reassure someone.

I have to say I was like this in several relationships and then I met a man and it never felt like I needed to be like that. I have been married to him for 19 years. Honestly, when you meet the right person you won’t need to feel neurotic or stressed. Move on now. Grieve and heal.

@HollowTalk good advice

If he was the right one you wouldn’t be anxious and constantly looking for reassurance, you’d just know he’d be there for you. It feels awful now (I’ve been there) but you’ll find one who is right for you and I don’t agree with the posters who said he knew you weren’t good enough for him.
It may take a bit of time or it maybe quick but you’ll meet a better match for you

I’m betting that if you look closely at your interactions over the years he has contributed to your feelings of doubt and insecurity.
Classic MN; always find a way to blame the man.

What did your part of the trying look like? What were you doing to try to make things better?

It's not, really. He could have contributed simply by not being compatible with OP: nobody's fault, just that he perhaps didn't do the things that would tick OP's boxes. It's really worth looking back in this way to see what sort of things bother you. You don't have to blame anyone for doing anything wrong.

If I’m honest I think my expectations were too high. I expected him to be fully present all the time, or saying the gushy stuff he said at the beginning constantly. I regret it so much now, I had someone stable and loving and I pushed it away