Can’t cope with split that was my fault

[lulabelle11]

My boyfriend of 2 years left me this week. I had everything I could dream of, a flat together (rented), a lovely second family, a lovely life.

But, I let my insecurities get the better of me. I was so anxious and pushed him away. Everything he did, I had to ask why it wasn’t more. He tried his best to be there for me, id always want more. “You didn’t say this, maybe you don’t love me as much anymore” “are you even sure you like me anymore”. This turned into every single day.

He warned me multiple times he was becoming tired of, yet I carried on. He said he never felt he could do anything right.

He finally had enough and left me.

I feel sick,I can’t eat, I’m so full of regret. It’s all my fault. I pushed away a lovely man, so good for me, who ADORED me and did everything for me, who I fancied, who I had an insane sex life with. I got on with his family so well, and they cried when I left the flat.

What on Earth do I do now

Of course it's the man's fault! No women have their own issues, they're perfect.

Well, life is an ongoing process of learning, and we learn by making mistakes.

You’ve made a mistake, the important thing now is to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on.

I doubt it’s that rare of a mistake. If you read posts on here there are tens of replies to any mention of a man’s imperfections that say that the woman should demand better, or just leave him straight away.

So OP, I used to be the same, push people away so when they come back it shows how much they love you. Mine stemmed from a childhood of rejection by my mother, absent father due to his work and many years of abuse.

Maybe have a look to see if you have had experiences that have triggered your insecurity? 2 psychology degrees later, and I've managed a healthy and respectful relationship for the past 10 years and although my demons still show their face every now and then, I can understand them and tall them back down.
Please get counselling. Relearn your worth as a person. Who knows, if he can see the difference or the fact you're taking responsibility and also positive actions forward, it may help you both

well similar happened in March and he could see I was trying to positively change, so he stuck by me. So I don’t think it’s a possibility even if I worked on myself and became better because he’s given me one chance already. He said “you’ve said it all before” but I guess I didn’t really try because I knew I had him

There isn't a single post on the thread that suggests that anybody thinks that either of these things are true. Nobody has blamed him. Nobody has said OP is perfect.

Accept yourself, OP. You needed what you needed, and you didn't get it from this relationship. Stop blaming. Most of us aren't compatible with most of us, that's nobody's fault. The behaviours you've described don't happen in a relationship where the two parties are compatible. It really is that simple.

Accept that you weren't a good fit. Accept that everybody goes a bit odd when they try to have a relationship with someone they're not compatible with. Accept that when you see that happening, you need to move on.

I’m betting that if you look closely at your interactions over the years he has contributed to your feelings of doubt and insecurity.

What about that @Watchkeys

I don’t think that comment was to blame a man, I think they just meant that there was possibly a reason why I felt off and not to do with just me. Nothing to do with gender

Yes there is. Someone said they’d bet that he’s contributed to her feelings of insecurity, despite nothing the OP has posted suggesting that.

You need to let him go and then do some real work on yourself, you might even need professional help. Find out where these insecurities are coming from and what are they based on. Which of your needs are not being met and why. Which of your needs are reasonable and basic and which aren't.

At the same time you need to get to know yourself,accept yourself as you are. Enjoy your own company and be happy and confident with it. You need to be able to fulfill most of your needs yourself.

Only then , should you consider dating again.

I don’t think that that’s good advice. If the OP needs constant affirmation like this then no-one is going to be a good fit.

@FemmeNatal

Yes there is. Someone said they’d bet that he’s contributed to her feelings of insecurity, despite nothing the OP has posted suggesting that

That doesn't mean they're saying he's at fault. Think carefully, it's not that complicated.

You have to leave him alone now, and work on yourself to fix these issues so that you don’t spoil another good relationship in future. Have therapy, learn about attachment styles, do some deep, deep introspection about what might be the cause of this behaviour and work on fixing it.

Some people like to give affirmation regularly in their relationship, some don't. You can't just decide OP is undateable until she changes.

Yes, needing to be gushed over every single day isn’t normal. I couldn’t stand it if DH did this to me, I’d find it suffocating.
OP, I’m very sorry that this relationship seems to have ended but hopefully there will be someone else out there for you.

thats my problem. I’ll never be happy with anyone if I carry on being so toxic. Truth is I met my perfect match, someone so kind and patient and everything I wanted in a man. But I pushed it away

I wouldn’t call it toxic, that’s being too harsh on yourself and I don’t think that will help you. It sounds as though you were very insecure.

@lulabelle11...seriously? Do you not work or have anything better to do.

Please be advised the poster is a banned user. She posts everyday about the same thing with different usernames under different topics. She has at least 4 threads today so far.

I've reported everyone of them.

No, but potential partners can. You seem not to want to believe what she herself is writing here. I prefer to believe her, and give advice on that basis.

One of the reasons I like MN it can be helpful but there is a lot of tosh on it. Better than paying for Bella or any of the other magazines

The fact that you pushed him away proves that he wasn't your perfect match. You need to stop insisting that you're toxic. You need to stop putting yourself down. The whole cause of the problem is that internally, you put yourself down, so you need someone external to you to buoy you back up again.

It starts with you, and the self punishment.

You are what you are, and you need what you need. There'll be many others with needs similar to yours who are in happy relationships, because they accept that they need what they need, and they've found someone who provides it.

Beating yourself up is not the key, here.

Some people like to give affirmation regularly in their relationship, some don't. You can't just decide OP is undateable until she changes.

To the extent OP seems to need though? Guess what, even if she finds that person, they wouldn't be a healthy,emotionally stable person either. And the relationship can go very wrong and very toxic pretty quickly. Co dependency is not a relationship goal.

We don't know OP well enough to know this. I've been where she is, sorted myself out, and found a partner who gives me what I need.

The first step is to accept who you are.

I'm not here to argue with other people's advice.

Really?

Of course it's suggesting he has somehow not met her needs which were nigh on impossible by the sounds of it.

Typical MN issue with accountability when it comes to female behaviour.

I probably wouldn't meet your needs in a relationship, @Casper10 Would it mean I was doing something wrong?

Incompatible people don't meet each other's needs. Nobody needs to be blamed, or at fault. Both parties need to recognise the incompatibility, and move on.

Seems like a few on this thread can't understand that blame isn't helpful. Good luck to those that think pointing the finger is the best way forward, here.