Can’t cope with split that was my fault

[lulabelle11]

My boyfriend of 2 years left me this week. I had everything I could dream of, a flat together (rented), a lovely second family, a lovely life.

But, I let my insecurities get the better of me. I was so anxious and pushed him away. Everything he did, I had to ask why it wasn’t more. He tried his best to be there for me, id always want more. “You didn’t say this, maybe you don’t love me as much anymore” “are you even sure you like me anymore”. This turned into every single day.

He warned me multiple times he was becoming tired of, yet I carried on. He said he never felt he could do anything right.

He finally had enough and left me.

I feel sick,I can’t eat, I’m so full of regret. It’s all my fault. I pushed away a lovely man, so good for me, who ADORED me and did everything for me, who I fancied, who I had an insane sex life with. I got on with his family so well, and they cried when I left the flat.

What on Earth do I do now

Only if those needs are reasonable and rational though. That's what OP needs to figure out first otherwise relationships will keep failing or worse .

Human emotional needs and wants aren't meant to be reasonable and rational. We're meant to be able to shepherd them respectfully of ourselves and others, but they're not supposed to make sense.

This is very basic stuff. OP needs to validate herself rather than focussing on her 'toxicity'. Once she starts to validate herself, she won't need so much validation from others. It's a simple concept. You don't change yourself, you accept yourself. Once you do that, your life changes anyway.

It's not really consistent though is it with how these boards operate. How hyper critical they are of men.

Not here to criticise or try to fit in.

Incompatible people don't meet each other's needs, was my point. It doesn't have to be that anybody was at fault.

Actually @Watchkeys , having been where the OP has, normalising or minimising the behaviour as just being 'incompatible' is not helpful to the OP at all. How can she have a healthy relationship with you endorsing Unhealthy behaviour? It's that shit that had me stuck in abusive relationships for years because it's the abusers that will put up with it due to the crap they are pulling.

OP get help for yourself. With support you'll learn to value yourself and feel good about being you. When you start realising what a great human being you are, you won't need the reassurance to believe someone that thinks so too.

Regardless of what happens between him and you in the future you need to work on your unhealthy ha it’s and thoughts or you will continue to destroy every relationship you have going forward. Would you want any future children you have to behave, feel and act like you have? No? Then get help now so you can become the best version of yourself.

He didn't tick the two boxes that you most needed ticked. Which was patience and understanding. I can tell from your previous post that you need a patient man, they are out there, I promise! But it's not him.

Op this also feels like a way to get reassurance, posting I’m a monster, I’m toxic, knowing posters will say oh of course you are not

Maybe it’s time to get some help.leave this guy alone, it’s time for you to focus on you and getting yourself healthy.

I’m not sure that’s fair, even if he had the patience of a saint I’m not sure he could deal with this every single day.

it’s really not his fault. He wasn’t lacking. Trying to blame him doesn’t help the op.

After any breakup would say as hard as it is - learning to be happy and being single first of all is a great start.

That is about enjoying your own company - figuring out what you like and what you like doing. Valuing your friendships and not necessarily looking for another relationship.

I'm a fair bit older than you - and over a life span we are all going to find ourselves single at some point. I actually feel sorry for those who are so entrenched in relationships to the point where they can no longer do certain tasks anyone as divorced/deceased partner did it for them and they have forgotton how.

It is nice when a partner is complements your life and adds to it - rather than you being dependent on them for something.

But then, there aren't many up sides to being a single parent but learning the skills of existing and being happy by yourself if you need to be is one of them.

That way if a partner comes along - fine - but it is not an essential for your life.

I like 'Fierce Compassion' by Dr. Kristin Neff. Worth a read.

Absolutely not blaming him here. Or the OP. But she appears to have a personality type that needs to be with someone who is prepared to work on her insecurities with her not abandon her. So a man with patience and who is also able to reassure her. They are our there.

Take this as a harsh lesson. Work on yourself so you don't make the same mistake with the next guy.

We've read her other thread, not just this one.

@ImpartialMongoose I can't see another post, can you link?

Have some counselling and learn some harsh lessons for your next relationship. Also try and be fairer and more reasonable so they don’t get exhausted by your behaviour

I Did laugh at the man shaming! Unbelievable

It's always so sad when a relationship ends, but you have to accept that it is over and move on. You are looking back with rose tinted glasses, telling yourself this man was perfect. Learn from this experience and try to understand why you need constant reassurance and affirmations of love.

Insecurity doesn’t come from nowhere

either he did something that attributed to this , or there is something in you that needs to be healed before you embark again

shit happens like this all the time sadly

but you need to focus on WHY you went like this
therapy helps

because if you don’t it I’ll happen again x

Use this as a learning experience, not a rod to beat your already insecure self with. I'd advice counselling to work on yourself so you can be in a healthier relationship in the future without wanting constant reassurance and validation from your partner.

You won’t welcome this wake up call now but will in future. Take this time to work on yourself. Invest in therapy & do that asap so they can help you deal with this blow. It’s worth finding out your attachment style too.

I used to be the same in my twenties. Needy & insecure with a constant need for reassurance. After therapy & building confidence I don’t feel like that at all anymore & I’m in a very secure relationship.

A similar thing happened to me, from the sound of what you're saying. I can only say i'm sorry 💐It's just over a year on now, and things are still hard, but easier.

I have done a lot of therapy and also my own research. For me, I learnt that attachment issues and a dissociative disorder, due to childhood trauma, played a massive part in my behaviour. Understanding what happened has helped, and also gives a pathway to healing these behaviours.

Unfortunately some people won't understand. Look for those who do, you will need to grieve, and you will need support and kindness in that process.

Do people not check the date of a thread before they bump it up?