DP Draft email to tigerkat6969

[InSearchOfSmth87]

Found an empty draft email to the above email address in husbands phone. Should I be worried?
This can’t be a work colleagues or a friends email...? no other history found.
And no I can’t ask him about It because he just lies because is a porn and sex addict with a history of tendency to message women/sex workers.. But I was hoping he has put it behind him.
Am I overreacting?

Sadly I think that can only mean one thing. Are you making any plans going forward at all?

Hello @InSearchOfSmth87 I say this with a heavy heart, but I have been married to someone who is essentially a sex addict, for many years. Unfortunately, like many other addictions I assume, they cannot just give up on the way that they have for getting turned on, in order to be able to have an orgasm.

As you must know OP, no partnership is ever going to be only about one thing, and from the start of our relationship my husband and I used to use 'adult' movies both before, and during, sex. I am not willing to say here why I got myself into that situation - thinking about it, I don't know if I even know the answer to that one - but suffice to say, after many years I could not put up with it any longer, and talked to my husband about it. We never managed to have sex together again after that talk.

It must be at least 10 years since we last had sex. When he tried doing it without the porn, he either couldn't get an erection at all, or he couldn't keep the erection long enough to do anything with it. So of course, I completely lost any feelings that I had left of me being even a little bit attractive. He then preceeded to lie to me time and time again. He used excuses about his age, or health etc as reasons why he couldn't get an erection. Sadly it wasn't until I came onto Mumsnet that I realised one of the big reasons why he couldn't get an erection with me anymore, which is of course that he is addicted to sex in the form of watching porn.

About 5 years ago I accidently found out that he was still accessing porn, but on his phone now. I couldn't bring myself to tell him what I had seen, and that I therefore knew that he can still get an erection and 'have a wank' when he uses porn. He has continued to lie to me about it for many years. But although it has been a long time now since I went through the menopause, I still miss both the sexual side of having sex, and the other feelings of intimacy that should accompany the act of two people making love.

So I really hope that you don't end up like me @InSearchOfSmth87, but only you know about the rest of your relationship with your partner, and whether you want, or are even able to, split up from your him. I do think that him continuing to contact sex workers is because that is the that way your partner is addicted to sex, and that it is the only easy way for him to be able to hold on to an erection, and then have an orgasm. Good luck with making the right decision for you OP.

@TheLadyofShalott1 I am so sorry you have been through this too, but I really do not believe in the addiction label that gets attached to this behaviour. Quite often it is given to excuse people to stay and enable this situation so they can stay/ deny/ not strong enough/ financially not capable to leave. I mean this kindly as I can.
Addictions in the real sense can be overcome. Heroin addicts get off smack, hugely obese people lose weight if they so choose. If their lifestyle choices impact on others to the point of destruction such as in drug addiction where they stop working and become homeless, the people close to them stop enabling them until they get help or self destruct.
Sex 'addiction' is a choice every time they open up laptop etc. They choose that. EVERY TIME.
These people should be single full stop. After 4 years I chose. I chose self respect. It was a sex habit not an addiction and he preferred his pervy habits over a life with me. If someone has a genuine addiction to sex they literally cannot stop and will do that at work/ on public transport to the point of arrest.
The very fact they choose this at home instead of us is very telling.
A real alcoholic will drink anytime and lose their job/ driving license. That us addiction. Not whacking off at home. Please do not label it addiction. Because its just not true.

Yeah it's not an addiction.
If it was an addiction and he wanted to stop he'd be seeking treatment.

op he's definitely using prostitutes. They wouldn't just message him for him to wank. They would make no money from that.

He just has to message those women and then wank on their replies. Still no proof that he has actually met up with anyone.

From reading a few hundred uk punting reviews, I don't believe that.

Sometimes the booker is not even the prostitute. (They ofren do bookings for more than 1 prostitute and the punter does not always get the woman he booked, a relatively common complaint). They are in the business of getting a booking booking with minimum interaction - date, time, location, sex act/s , price. As quickly and efficiently as possible. Often they don't even specoify the sex act/s ... the punter just books a time period eg half an hr for a price. The prostitutes profile will say what they do abd don't do.

Their profile is there to provide that info, so further "duscussion" is not necessary.

The above applies to prostitutes doing their own bookings too.

Their time is money, they are used to ass holes, they are not a free email or text sex service, they are aware of and would have very little tolerance for time wasters.

So, unless he is saying he wanks over emails "any availability, tues the 29th .. Yes "hun" (the favourite appellation for punters) ... 7.30 .... half hour .... £110 ... 31 station road, flat 2" ..... I have serious doubts.

Moreover if he did it more than once from the same email address and didn't follow through, the bookers and the prostitutes would start blocking him.

Even if he truly gets off so much on discussing a prostitute booking and pretending to book (whichjid have doubts about) it's a fetish that few people would want to tolerate in a partner.

If true (doubtful), it means his fetishism are infidelity, and prostitute sex.

Not things most people would be comfortable with in a partner.

I'd like to see him if you said your "addiction " was browsing the profiles of male escorts (alone) and emailing them to set up bookings and apparently (!) not following through. That that's what gets you off, while you're in a relationship with a mam (and it's not something mutually driven, swinging, cuckold, ferish thing thst you're both equally into/driving). Do you rhink many men would consider you well adjusted admirable, attractive, stable, kind ... Good partner material?

He is not that either.

Whether he had truly ne errors followed through on a booking or not.

But the chances of him not are low.

He would move to text/messaging delete them and its normal to pay in cash. If clever enough he'll hide cash wirhdrawals in smaller amounts (Presuming you even have access to his statements).

*never

Anyway, choosing actually using prostitutes as the ar for getting rid of a man is a pretty fucking low one.

A man in an exclusive relationship browsing and much much worse messaging prostitutes is already acting inappropriately, shittily etc.

And remember you can end a relationship for any reason you want. There is no relationship ending trial, noone cares; only what makes you happy in life.

Also "sex addiction" tends to be rolled at wirh the predictability & originality of Cliff Richard at the end of a totp Christtmas special ... when the poor "addict" has gern caught cheating or near it.

"Oh woe is me, I can't help it I'm an ADDICT, you see" (while inwardly thinking she may go for this, this might fly, it'll stall her decision (cause counselling will have to be arranged & done for months, if not years) and by that time she'll not have left at the time of discovery, will have accepted it and settled in again, will gave invested further, it'll get me past the danger point. Equally it takes responsibility off me and makes me a victim. It'll trigger her nurturing, saviour, martyr, womanly instincts".

They're also thinking they'll just hide it better if/when they do it again

He is afraid to tell you the truth because it looks likely he has had sex with prostitutes. Most men know that this is something that would devastate their partner yet they go ahead and do it anyway. Self-entitled pricks. You need to look after yourself now, put yourself first @InSearchOfSmth87

Even if we go with "it's a type of sex addiction" theory, have you known many people to overcome addictions smoothly abd permanently? I don't.

Esp. when there's no real pain/suffering on their part as a result of the addiction ... which there isn't here ... it's his partner who suffers, not him.

Unless maybe he's outed, which I bet is not part of the deal of you staying with him. I'm sure it's business as usual socially, family wise etc. and like many women you don't want it known because you don't want people to have a bad opinion of him in case you stay, a bad opinion of your relationship/partnership ... and lots of women wrongly feel like it reflects on them, the "well if he was getting it at home, he wouldn't be doing that" bs; which plays right into their hands. They want you embarrassed, they want you secretive, they want you feeling inadequate, they want you being too loyal and decent and invested to expose them.

Bottom lime, he's crossed a line, he's crossed it more than once, there may actually be a lot worse, his addiction angle is probably BS, and even if it isn't, expect there to be more of the same down the line.

Addictions in the real sense can be overcome. Heroin addicts get off smack...

Addicts inflict tremendous amounts of suffering of various types of their nearest and "dearest" while addicts, and while recovering, and often the relationships never recover from how they've treated them. Which is wholly understandable.

Something like hereon is also a flawed comparison, because the addiction themselves is likely to suffer, gradually, and have their life significantly affected in negative ways; not so with a sex addiction like this.

It's not an adduction anyway IMHO. He wants to either fk (probably young) prostitutes on the side while having a respectable partner to fill all the other functions of a woman in his life, or he (at the absolute minumum) has a fetish about doing that.

*the addict

He said he's afraid you'll leave him if he tells you the truth. Isn't that all you need to know? Why are you still with him?

@LooseGoose22 spot on. Without the woman at home, a man visiting a prostitute is just that. A man visiting a prostitute (sad bastard).
However, with the woman at home, a man visiting a prostitute becomes something altogether different in his eyes, which could be a number of things. Often, the poor man not getting enough affection at home. Or, the boys-will-be-boys type who other married men are secretly envious of. Or the clever sneak-around getting one over on his wife.
All that's scratching the surface as, yes, he might have a prostitute fetish, or a madonna/whore complex, or get off on the risk of getting caught, or just like using women as wank socks.

Plus if we break up I would have to move back to my home country which is fine but kids will be missing their dad.

Not saying you shouldn't break up, but will he be OK with you moving them ro another country? If not, he could use the Convention the name if which I can't remember to stop you.

I'm any case they would adjust.

And having a punter (to whatever extent) around kids esp as they grow up) is not good .. who knows when they'll jump.in this phone and cinema across something or use his device/PC and come across something.

*jump on his phone and cinema across something

Oh ffs - come across something

I wrote this super long message here expressing my feelings, facts and hurt and my phone died so it’s now all deleted
I suppose it doesn’t matter.

He has brainwashed me into believing it’s all a fantasy and he even said that he didn’t think it was hurting anyone if it was all just virtual...for the last 6,5 years I have tried to make him see that even if it’s all virtual, contacting other women and escorts is not okay !!!

But it turns out that he has slept with at least 57 escorts, plus twice with someone on a dating site, and 2 men giving him blowjobs! The only way he was able to give any kind of a number was to go through all the previous bank statements, as he could not remember otherwise !! That number is probably higher as he has always told me half truths. But frankly it does t matter.

Going back to my country tomorrow, he’ll follow in 3 months time as that’s his notice period. I’ll see if I can he from this. As at the moment when I look at him, all I can see is all the women he’s fucked and who knows what done that I just can’t
measure up, sigh.

Needless to say my self esteem is non existent.

So sorry OP.

Must be so hard for you but why the hell is he following you in 3 months???!

Oh op I'm so sorry

You knew something was off and you trusted your instincts. You should be proud of that.

He chose to lie and minimise what he was doing. He chose to put your physical health at risk, as well as the emotional impact on you. He chose to prioritise getting his sexual kicks over his marriage.

You have every right to think its actually not possible to heal from this. All of this damage is on him, not you

So sorry OP. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. What are your plans when you go to your country? I hope you can get away from him and move on x

I can only imagine how betrayed you must feel.

I can understand how scary single life will seem, but I can't imagine anything worse than living with a liar. How frustrating and demoralising it must feel to know you're being lied to by a grown person who is supposed to be there for you.

You deserve so much better and I think, once the dust has settled, you will feel much better not having to second guess your marriage anymore.

Good on you OP. He's a rotten apple. Also, don't let your mum project her feelings onto you. Many women are happy single and MANY meet better partners along the way too.