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Original poster

Is this weird? Would this put you off someone?

87 replies

Espressomartinih · 23/06/2022 10:13

So I've been dating a guy for the last 6 weeks, pretty casual, the sex is great and there is def chemistry there. Last night we were lying in bed and he got up to go get a drink, he put what I thought were his boxers on , when he came back, he asked if I liked his underwear and it was then I realised he was wearing my black undies! I was like wtf! It really creeped me out and I didn't like that he just lifted my underwear and put them on. That was bad enough but then we ordered a take away and he came out of the bedroom wearing my top which was of course far too small on him, he laughed about it and I just laughed it off and asked him to take it off.
What is going on? Is this his way of testing boundaries, is he a cross dresser? Or was he just trying to be funny? Now that I look back I notice that he would like me to leave underwear behind if I stayed over but I never did as I thought it was weird.
This has def put me off him a bit, or am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Beamur · 23/06/2022 10:52

It's deliberate and he's testing your response and boundaries.
If it doesn't appeal to you, stop seeing him.
There could well be more to his interest in cross dressing, it's hard to say. I suspect there might be given he's introduced this very early in your relationship.
Personally it would be a no from me..

lolil · 23/06/2022 10:52

@Watchkeys

You finding this action of his disrespectful doesn't mean it's disrespectful - that's just one person's opinion.

You have definitely missed the point.

Watchkeys · 23/06/2022 10:55

lolil · 23/06/2022 10:52

@Watchkeys

You finding this action of his disrespectful doesn't mean it's disrespectful - that's just one person's opinion.

You have definitely missed the point.

It definitely doesn't matter.

Sorry for the derail, OP. Stopping now!

Watchkeys · 23/06/2022 10:58

Yes I feel like it was definitely disrespectful and rude for him to put my underwear on

That's it then. Either don't see him again, or expect him to respect your wishes on this once you've stated them. He might just think he's being funny, I think I might have laughed! But your feelings are what's important, here.

I don't think it necessarily means he's a cross dresser... possibly, but also maybe just a joker?

tulips27 · 23/06/2022 10:59

My ex did this once and I was really annoyed because he stretched out the underwear and it was ruined!

lolil · 23/06/2022 10:59

I actually don't think discussing respect, or lack of it in a brand new relationship, is a derail. It's absolutely important to establish these things are present early on. I think it's very easy to miss the red flag and get caught up in what's happening and let it go because, as OP says, he is 'usually well mannered and considerate. Well mannered and considerate men take these attributes to the bedroom. This man didn't.

AnonymousMizs · 23/06/2022 10:59

You're 6 weeks in, he has been asking you to leave underwear behind (worn? Or clean for when you stay again?) and then helps himself to your (presumably worn) underwear and top without asking. So either he has a thing about used undies - is that a deal breaker for you if he has? Or he is testing the water for cross dressing - again, is that a deal breaker? Depending on how much you like him I see you have three options - 1 end it now on it being enough of the ick, 2 pretend it never happened and carry on as if you know nothing or 3 have a discussion with him, being prepared that depending on how honest he is with himself he may not be entirely honest with you.

lolil · 23/06/2022 11:01

Isn't a derail Blush

KneeQuestion · 23/06/2022 11:04

Wouldn’t put me off at all and I don’t find it weird.

what anyone else thinks isn’t relevant though. YOU don’t like it.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 23/06/2022 11:06

tulips27 · 23/06/2022 10:59

My ex did this once and I was really annoyed because he stretched out the underwear and it was ruined!

Wouldn't most people pick up undies get them half way on and on realising they weren't yours whip them off and find your own?!

Saying that ds and his girlfriend where each others clothes all the time,so who knows? I think it's the fact he didn't ask the OP that makes it odd for me.

tulips27 · 23/06/2022 11:18

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor he was doing it as a "joke". I did find it very off-putting (to say the least) and it was a factor when I ended the relationship.

TheBermudaTriangle · 23/06/2022 11:18

I would absolutely hate this. It's not playful, it's disrespectful (especially so early on in the relationship). Also, I wouldn't want to date someone who felt comfortable wearing my underwear - even in a "cheeky" way.

Crikeyalmighty · 23/06/2022 11:22

I think this was meant as a joke- but disrespectful and in very poor taste!!

Watchkeys · 23/06/2022 11:23

TheBermudaTriangle · 23/06/2022 11:18

I would absolutely hate this. It's not playful, it's disrespectful (especially so early on in the relationship). Also, I wouldn't want to date someone who felt comfortable wearing my underwear - even in a "cheeky" way.

There are people on the thread, right in front of your eyes, saying they'd find it playful, not disrespectful. There is no right or wrong here; it's just different opinions.

But regardless, OP found it disrespectful, and that's what matters. Just because he didn't do anything 'wrong', doesn't mean OP can't feel creeped out.

DutchAddie · 23/06/2022 11:26

Re your subsequent post, what do you mean about him preferring you to leave underwear behind when you stay at his? Do you mean he actually said "can you leave your underwear behind"??

SunnyShiner · 23/06/2022 11:28

For a laugh? Nah I wouldn't find that funny

erinaceus · 23/06/2022 11:32

Do you feel able to tell him that you were skeeved out by what he did, and see how he responds? If he apologises profusely I would let it go; seeing it as a joke that landed badly. If he protests that it was only a joke that would not bode well for me. If he confesses that he is into wearing women's clothing that is a whole other situation and you would have to see how you felt about that.

hotcoldnotsold · 23/06/2022 11:43

I would think he likes wearing women's clothes/cross dresser or has a thing for used underwear. I'm not attracted to any of that, so wouldn't be for me. You should ask him outright but he may deny it and pass it off as a joke. If it weirded you out, then I'd let him go. People would kinks are also polite, considerate etc - don't always advertise their kinks until more established.

heathspeedwell · 23/06/2022 11:47

Psychologists have known for years that paraphilias cluster.

If he is, in fact, into cross dressing then it's statistically likely that he will have other paraphilias that may or may not be to your liking.

I think it's a red flag and you need to have a frank discussion, particularly as some behaviours escalate.

mrsfrancinemeowington · 23/06/2022 11:49

I've had guys put on my underwear or clothes to be funny. Never crossed my mind that they were into anything.
But if you don't like it, you don't like it.

Original poster
Espressomartinih · 23/06/2022 11:50

@DutchAddie when I couldn't find ny underwear, he said its OK just leave it, you can get it next time or has implied he would like me to leave something there

OP posts:
Useranon1 · 23/06/2022 11:52

Has no one here ever put their partners shirt or boxers on when they nip out the room for something?

Inthesameboatatmo · 23/06/2022 11:54

That would be the end for me op. How off putting. End it now

Watchkeys · 23/06/2022 12:02

Useranon1 · 23/06/2022 11:52

Has no one here ever put their partners shirt or boxers on when they nip out the room for something?

I put my (female) partner's new swimming costume on over my clothes the other day. We were in hysterics. Sometimes this stuff really is just for a laugh, or as you've said above, it's convenient. MN is a strange place sometimes, where quite ordinary things seem not to have happened to anybody at all.

Watchkeys · 23/06/2022 12:04

Espressomartinih · 23/06/2022 11:50

@DutchAddie when I couldn't find ny underwear, he said its OK just leave it, you can get it next time or has implied he would like me to leave something there

D'you not think that perhaps he was just comfortable with your stuff being around, and might have put them in his washing basket to go in the next load? I'd do that. It's welcoming and homely.