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Relationships

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Original poster

How to get rid of frenemy?

75 replies

DancingMagpiesOfDoom · 22/06/2022 22:03

Used to work for this family. We were never supposed to be friends, she has stayed in touch. To my detriment I have kept in touch and didn't ignore her from the start.

Her DH is insufferable, really unpleasant and used to take his wife outside to shout at her because either the DCs or her were doing something that pissed him off.

They are his DCs too and their poor behaviour was just DCs being DCs.

Worse was when DH used to bawl the DCs out.

There is one very obvious favourite DC. They never got shouted at.

Her DH is also an expert on everything. I was admitted to hospital in an emergency. I sent DW a text to tell her I wouldn't be working that week. She's sending back messages which imply that he doesn't believe me because the Drs would have done certain things if I was that ill.

DH is not a Dr, he didn't even do science at degree level. He sells computers over the phone.

I've never seen or heard the DW shouting at him. Otherwise she too knows everything about everything.

We went abroad recently, she was messaging me to tell me that we would lose our luggage and why didn't we get a refund?

Luckily we had a lovely holiday with all of our luggage.

This week again she has been messaging me about something that we are doing. Again she knows better than we do about everything. Including our own minds.

How do I politely get rid of them? In particular her? He isn't messaging me.

OP posts:

BeautifulWar · 22/06/2022 22:05

Block her - easy!

Original poster

DancingMagpiesOfDoom · 22/06/2022 22:08

I tried blocking her. She came to our house. She wasn't invited.

OP posts:

EarthSight · 22/06/2022 22:16

DancingMagpiesOfDoom · 22/06/2022 22:08

I tried blocking her. She came to our house. She wasn't invited.

Did you let her in? What happened after that?

BeautifulWar · 23/06/2022 09:44

I tried blocking her. She came to our house. She wasn't invited. 😱

DenholmElliot1 · 23/06/2022 09:50

Stop telling her your plans and just grey rock her.

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 23/06/2022 10:19

They sound insufferable.

Options:

Tell her straight that you think her husband is an arse and she is negative and condescending.

Be more diplomatic and tell her friendship has run its course but be very firm and make it clear its a decision not a negotiation.

Block, avoid, ignore (don't answer the door).

Gradual fade, be bland and non committal when you next meet yes/no answers, don't tell them ANY plans. Then become busier with vague appointments and cancel or postpone other meet ups.

Original poster

DancingMagpiesOfDoom · 23/06/2022 11:32

When she came round I did let her in because I was still recovering from my illness and she knew I would be home. My car was outside and that's a dead giveaway.

I am grey rocking her. And then she just turns up anyway.

At this point I want her to leave me alone.

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 23/06/2022 17:53

Never respond to messages. Block. If (when) she comes to your house, don’t let her in, tell her she’s overstepping and you don’t appreciate her coming to your house. Tell her nothing, ever.

BMW6 · 23/06/2022 19:17

You can be polite but Frank " I need to tell you that I no longer wish any relationship or communication with you. Your negativity and know-it-all personality are not wanted in my life. Goodbye "

Butterfly44 · 23/06/2022 19:31

I take it you don't work for them anymore....so end the relationship

magicstar1 · 23/06/2022 19:36

It sounds to me like she thinks you answer to her….like you’re still employed by the family. Be straight and tell her to stop contacting you, that you’re not friends and will never be. It’ll be like ripping off a plaster - do it, take the moments discomfort and it’s over.

gingersplodgecat · 23/06/2022 19:47

"Why are you still contacting me? I don't work for you any more."

Original poster

DancingMagpiesOfDoom · 23/06/2022 21:04

Happily I'm not working for them anymore no.

She wants to be friends with me, brings me small thoughtful gifts. Trouble is that she's one of those people who doesn't know how to be a friend to someone. She is incredibly opinionated and speaks with great authority about things that she knows absolutely nothing about.

Yet she is always contacting me asking what to do about this or that situation with her DCs.

I am grey rocking her. I have been for a while.

She knows that I still don't go out much since my hospital stay. DH primarily works from home and I am at home. The two cars on the driveway are a giveaway.

Next time she comes over I will ask DH to answer the door and tell her I'm asleep or something. She is pushy. I wouldn't be surprised if she brings one or two of her DCs over and says oh but [childs name] was really looking forward to seeing Magpies.

At one point her DH was being such a prick that she was considering leaving. I told her to do it but she stayed. I think she stayed because she likes the money. As a couple they are well off.

Their eldest DC emails me sometimes. I am sure the parents don't know. I have told this DC that it's not a good idea for them to contact me without telling their parents and I wouldn't be emailing back until they do. This DC is desperately unhappy.

OP posts:

MrsDamonSalvatore · 23/06/2022 22:53

Without being too outing, did you work for them in some kind of child care capacity? If so, it seems like you are still being used for free advice. As others have said, you need to be a bit tougher about trying to distance yourself from her. As she’s not and never has been her friend, so try not to feel guilty about breaking away from her.

AlisonDonut · 23/06/2022 22:59

This week again she has been messaging me about something that we are doing

Stop telling her what you are doing?

Original poster

DancingMagpiesOfDoom · 24/06/2022 05:04

I have been doing the grey rock on her for weeks.

Her unsolicited and mean girls style advice this week has been related to a conversation I had with her months ago. She randomly messages me to pontificate on a topic and literally sends a series of texts telling me or us what we should do about her topic of the day.

The thing is that these texts are always an attempt to make me feel less than.

Her DHs opinion about what the Drs should be doing when I was in hospital implied that I must be lying, 10 months on I am still recovering and seeing my consultant regularly.

OP posts:

11Hawkins · 24/06/2022 05:21

Grey rocking her isn't working.

Just be direct and tell her straight unless you want to continue doing this for months/years?

oopsfellover · 24/06/2022 05:26

Other than what you’ve tried already it seems as though the direct approach (‘I don’t want any contact with you’ type thing) is the only thing that’ll work, if you can do it. I suppose the only other thing is to carry on grey rocking and hope she gets bored.

HandScreen · 24/06/2022 05:27

Just put your big girl pants on snd tell her.

ImustLearn2Cook · 24/06/2022 06:02

If you find grey rocking her doesn’t work and it’s too hard or confrontational for you to be direct and tell her straight that you don’t want to continue the friendship, can you move house?

Wallywobbles · 24/06/2022 06:12

I think if you tell her that she think they are terrible parents both of them and damaging their children and that they ought to be referred to social services. That they are horrible people who are unbearable to be around and the next time she turns up you will call the police that it will solve the problem. A few home truths and then block.

RedDeath614 · 24/06/2022 14:20

OP your friend sounds very similar to a former friend I had a long time ago. Your friend also sounds like my ex friend, a total narcissist. By refusing to accept you ignoring her messages and coming over etc, she is hoovering you. She cannot accept that you want her out of your life and she won't accept it. Her narcisissm won't allow her to. She thinks you belong to her and she owns you.

Simply put, you absolutely MUST not react or respond in any manner or form at all, ever. That is what grey rock is. Change your number/email address, everything you can. Don't give a toss when she comes over or what she thinks about the cars on the drive. Just don't answer the door.

I would send her one final text before you go permanent NC on her, telling her you don't want any form of contact with her anymore. This makes it clear that if she does come over, it's totally unwelcome. I'd also threaten her with the police if she does come.

Do not answer the door at all if she does come. Do not tell your husband to answer the door. She's already been told not to come. I'd be tempted to call police if she does and report her for harassment. This may make the message sink in.

My ex friend still tries to hoover me on the rare occasions she happens to see me out and about. And this is a good 15 years since I told her I didn't want to hear from her anymore. Yet she always shouts at me until I am obliged to acknowledge her and then forced to listen to her drone on about how great her life is and how rubbish my life must be in comparison (insane when she has no idea what I've been up to all this time and never even asks about me). Then she always ends by asking if she can add me on FB, despite me always ignoring every request from her all these years 🙄😑 The last time this happened a few years ago I just said ok but ignored her request again.

Recently I realised she's a narcissist and the next time I bump into her I need to completely blank her and walk away/refuse to engage at all. Let her think what she wants, she will anyway.

These people are vultures. They love an audience and they love trying to obliterate your self esteem. Don't give them an audience, or any opportunities to get in again. Oh and ignore her kids. It's harsh but you have yourself and your own family to think of.

AffIt · 24/06/2022 14:23

So the grey-rocking isn't working, but in order to grey-rock you have to, by definition, be responding.

Just ghost her. Fuck it. If she comes to the door, you don't answer.

You have literally no obligation to this woman. Enough already.

coffeeisthebest · 24/06/2022 17:40

You aren't grey rocking though as you are engaged enough with her to be communicating and you keep accepting gifts. Say no thanks to the gifts and stop replying to messages. That's a grey rock. Unless part of you loves her attention which I suspect is the case.

AlisonDonut · 24/06/2022 17:47

DancingMagpiesOfDoom · 24/06/2022 05:04

I have been doing the grey rock on her for weeks.

The thing is that these texts are always an attempt to make me feel less than.

Her DHs opinion about what the Drs should be doing when I was in hospital implied that I must be lying, 10 months on I am still recovering and seeing my consultant regularly.

No offence but your chance was 10 months ago when you could have just said 'You obviously think I'm lying so we shall leave it there shall we'. And stop messaging and responding to her messages.

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